Fine is a 4 Letter Word
by Seaheeler
Summary: So here's the truth about the truth; it hurts. So we lie.
1. Chapter 1

Hey everyone,

so I'm officially in holiday mode... 4 weeks off! Woohoo!

I've had a flood of ideas come into my head and have started like 4 fics but of course I'm kinda stuck in the middle on all of them so I figured if I published one then it may make me think harder cos I don't want to leave you all hanging lol hopefully I'll get some inspiration while sipping cocktails or it'll be a hot mess, either way, it'll be entertaining for someone right? Anyway, here we go...

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 1

The early morning sun shone in through the gap of a broken wooden slat of the blind, it beamed directly onto the left side of her face. The warmth caused her to stir, an aggravated groan left her mouth as she resisted opening her eyes hoping to get a few more minutes sleep.

She yanked the sheet over her face trying to block the sun but it didn't work, the cogs in her mind started to turn and for a moment she couldn't recall where she was. Her fingers blindly ran over the edge of the sheets, they weren't hers, they were soft and silky, satin-like. She lay there still and squeezed her eyes tighter trying to concentrate, trying to remember where she was. A smile crept on her face as she remembered that she had rewarded herself with a mini break, it was supposed to be a relaxing time for her to try and get her head back into work mode.

A dull throb took over her mind distracting her for a moment, she could feel it pulsate from her head down her body to her feet. She took a sharp breath in trying to overcome the pain, mind over matter was always one of her philosophies. She raised her hand above her face trying to shield herself from the light, she was now awake and would have to deal with the consequences. The pounding was only going to get worse and she needed to prepare herself for the possibility that her stomach would be angry at her too.

With one swift movement, she exhaled and swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. The motion caused her head to spin and she could only hold herself up for a second, her body forced it's self forward and she sat hunched over on the edge of the bed. You can do this, she thought, just get up. She dug her elbows into her knees and put her head in her hands trying to summon the energy to stand. She heaved her body up off the bed and blindly reached out to try to shut the block out curtain. Her hand patted the wall feeling for the string, it kept teasing her, swinging just out of her grasp. Her eyes widened as she took another step forward willing to string to her hand and with two hands she caught it and pulled down hard. The curtain fell to the windowsill with a clunk and she let out a sigh of relief, darkness. She stood at the window for a moment while her eyes adapted to her surroundings, there was just enough light to see a few inches in front of her.

"Morning..."

She jumped as she heard the voice behind her, her heart felt like it burst out of her chest. Who was that? She didn't know whether to turn around, the voice was close. Before she could move a hand ran over her the bare skin of her waist and around to her stomach. All the hairs on her body stood on their end as she felt their warm breath on her neck, she tilted her head slightly allowing it to come closer. Another hand slid it's self on the other side of her waist and spun her round to face him. She stumbled losing her balance for a split second, all the blood rushed from her head making her feel even more nauseous. The strong pair of hands corrected her stance and she found herself focused on a set of very toned pecks. She swallowed hard trying to strike up the courage to look up at his face, but before she could bring her eyes to meet his he leaned down and pressed his lips hard against hers. She stepped back a little from the force, she didn't know what to do so she kissed him back. She was suddenly very aware that she only had her underwear on, her hands blindly searched around her for her robe, but no luck.

The kiss ended and the man stepped back from her and reached over her shoulder and pulled on the curtain string.

"I want to see you..."

The light rushed in and she blinked furiously trying to get her eyes to adjust, she had no idea who was standing in front of her. He desperately fiddled with the string trying to alter the angle of the slats as he was now blinded by the light. While he was distracted she took the opportunity to check out the man whose kiss had made her feel like she was the sexiest woman on the planet. She gasped a little seeing his face, he was a baby, he couldn't have been more than 25. Her eyes ran down from his face and neck to the pecks she had already acquainted herself with. Her eyes widened a little as she reached his abs, they weren't a 6 pack, they were an 8 pack. She dared to go further, she could feel her cheeks burn as she reached the V at his waist. She wasn't sure how long she had been staring, surely he would have noticed her wandering eyes by now. She quickly darted her gaze back up to his head and noticed the large grin that now encapsulated his face, she knew immediately she was busted. He stepped closer and grasped her hand and slowly ran it down his chest and stomach, she flinched a little as he moved it further south. He stopped and dropped her hand sensing she wasn't into it.

"You weren't this shy last night..."

She stood there trying to remember the events of the previous night but they refused to reveal themselves.

"Let me remind you..."

The man smiled and wrapped his hands around her waist and flung her on to the bed, he jumped in next to her and leaned his torso over her. His mouth started to explore her neck and chest, she took a deep breath in and grasped the bed sheets at her side. He headed towards her belly button and she gripped the sheet tighter and moaned from the pleasure. His face came back to meet hers, she stared into his eyes for a moment and smiled, he leaned down and their tongues explored each other's mouths.

Suddenly she felt pressure, a crushing pressure on her chest, she couldn't breathe, she felt like she was suffocating. She pushed the gorgeous man off of her and bolted upright clutching her chest trying to catch her breath. He sat next to her completely confused at her reaction.

"Brooke?"

She sat there staring into space not registering the name had called her, he ran his finger down the small of her back trying to bring her back. She shivered at his touch and glanced towards him.

"Brooke?"

It hit her like a freight train, the events of the night before flashed through her mind. The multiple shots of tequila, the bumping and grinding and the sex, the dirty, nasty, sex. She blinked a few times trying to get the images to disappear.

She turned back to face the man who was patiently waiting for her to come back to earth, his expression full of concern.

She caught her breath and smiled slightly trying to reassure him that she was okay. His brow furrowed not believing her, she raised an eyebrow and pushed him backward and straddled his waist. She went to lean forward to kiss him but he reached out and held her shoulders with both hands forcing her to stop.

"Is everything okay?"

She refused to make eye contact and ran her index finger over his lips and down to his V, she smiled as she lowered her body towards him and whispered in his ear.

"Everything is fine..."

End of Chapter 1

I know this is short and you probably have questions but let me know what you thought! Xx


	2. Chapter 2

Hey everyone,

So, I hate packing and I only have 8 hours till I leave so what do I do? Write instead lol...

Loving the theories that people have come up with and now I hope I don't let you down cos all your ideas might be more exciting than the one I had haha. Thanks for all the reviews! Just a warning I don't know how much I'm going to be able to update while I'm away, so it may be a few weeks...

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 2

**4 Weeks Earlier.**

2 Dads sat with the Hammersley's new XO, Brad Hodge, at their local pub. Brad had been transferred 2 weeks after 'the incident' and was fitting in well. He was a bit of a larrikin like 2Dads, that's why they got on so well, but he was also a professional when it came to being on the ship, not unlike their old XO, Kate McGregor. After 'the incident' the biggest shock was Fleet Command's decision to separate most of the crew, they said that it was a routine rotation but most of them didn't buy it. The crew thought they were more worried about what would happen if they kept them together.

Only 2Dads and Kate had been spared a transfer, Kate, because she was grieving and it wouldn't have helped her situation. The Hammersley crew had been told that Kate needed some more time to recover and had chosen to take some extended leave. They all had reached out to her in one way or another, text messages, phone calls, dropping in to say hi but the replies from her became less frequent and the crew didn't want to feel like that they were intruding so eventually communication ceased.

2Dads took a sip of his beer as he glanced around the pub feeling a little saddened by the absence of his old crew. His eyes stopped and focused on the bar, Kate was perched on a bar stool hunched over with multiple empty glasses piling up next to her. He watched as she tipped her glass towards the bartender signalling to pour her another, he gave her a single nod and reached over to the liquor shelf and grabbed the Grey Goose. He poured her a double and topped it off with a scoop full of ice and placed it in front of her.

Brad noticed 2Dads' wandering eyes and waved his hand in front of him trying to regain his attention.

"What ya looking at 2 Dads?"

He leaned over to 2Dads side of the table trying to check his view, he raised an eyebrow suggestively spotting the blonde at the bar. He whacked him on the arm and nodded in her direction.

"Got your eye on someone?"

2Dads nearly choked on his mouthful at the thought.

"Ah, no!"

Brad glanced back over to the area where Kate sitting, he squinted trying to get his eyes to focus on the familiar woman who was looking worse for wear.

"Hang on, isn't that?"

2Dads didn't need him to finish his sentence and nodded.

"Yeah, Kate, umm Lieutenant McGregor, our old XO..."

Brad had heard the stories, he didn't understand why 2Dads was so interested in her.

"I heard she went a bit..."

2Dads titled his head and his brow furrowed hoping he wasn't going to say what he thought he was going to say. He stood up above Brad and crossed his arms over her chest.

"A bit what?!"

Brad could see he hit a sore spot and decided not to finish his sentence, he lifted his glass to his mouth and took a big mouthful of his drink instead. 2Dads shook his head slightly, he couldn't understand, unless you were there you just couldn't. He picked up his beer and headed to the bar.

He placed his drink down on the bar mat and glanced at Kate, she knew he was there but she didn't have the strength to make small talk. She pretended not to take any notice of him and continued to sip her drink. He slid into the stool next to her and cleared his throat as a kind of announcement that he was there but she still didn't look up.

"Kate?"

She didn't respond, he paused for a moment giving her an opportunity to answer, he couldn't tell if she was ignoring him on purpose. He positioned his face closer to hers and smiled.

"Ah, hi Kate..."

She exhaled sharply and glanced up at him, she was going to have to talk, she held his stare for a split second then focused back on her drink.

"2Dads, what do you want?"

He winced and stood back from her a little taken back with her tone.

"Just saying hi, haven't seen you around much."

She shrugged and picked up the glass and swirled the ice around, her eyes followed it as it spun around the edge of the glass almost putting her into a hypnotic state. She sighed and downed the lot and clenched her eyes closed as she waited for the burning to stop.

"Yeah well, I'm not allowed to work am I?"

She rattled the ice in her glass to get the bartenders attention, he walked over to her and looked at the pile of glasses and back at her.

"Last one..."

Kate rolled her eyes and chucked a $50 note on to the bar. He placed the refilled glass in front of her and she immediately grabbed it and took a sip.

2Dads was instantly concerned, she was never a big drinker, little own straight spirits. She had been through a lot in the past month, they all had, but she had lost the most. He looked her up and down noticing her dishevelled appearance, she looked tired yet hardened, nothing like her normal self. He wasn't sure whether she had still kept in contact with the others since they left, he was the only one that wasn't transferred and seeing her like this he felt like it was his duty to look out for her.

"Ah, you wanna come join us?"

She looked over her shoulder at the table of the new Hammersley Crew members, they were laughing and having a good time. Happy people were the last thing she wanted to be around.

"Not tonight 2Dads..."

"Well, when are you coming back?"

She shrugged hoping that her lack of communication would be a sign that she wasn't in the mood to chat.

"I hear Mike's going back to a shore posting, any chance you'll be applying for the CO job?"

Kate felt a pang of excitement, it was the job that she had aimed for over the past few years but in her current state she didn't want to think about it.

"Mmm, maybe..."

She turned her body slightly hoping he would get the hint to leave, she jumped as he placed his hand on her arm and gave it a little squeeze.

"It'd be great to have you back, we miss you!"

He picked up his beer and headed back to the table, as he sat down Brad playfully hit him on the arm.

"Hitting on your old XO?"

2Dads rolled his eyes and glanced back at her.

"No! She's just been through...a lot..."

"Yeah, but haven't you all?"

2Dads took a sip of his beer, he didn't want to talk behind her back, literally, but it was better that they hear the truth from him than some rumour from someone who had no idea what they had been through.

"Yeah but, so umm, the SAS Captain who was killed, it was her fiancée..."

Brad glanced over to Kate, he didn't know her that well but he had heard of her reputation. From the stories that he had been told he had pictured her differently, certainly not the empty looking shell of a person that sat at a bar downing spirits.

"That's rough... But I heard she was the one who gave the order for them to stay there..."

2Dads rage increased, he tried not to lose it, it was such a bullshit thing to say. He slammed his glass back on to the table out of frustration.

"No! They had their own mission, it was his choice to stay! Don't talk about stuff you know nothing about! She's fine..."

2Dads turned his head slightly and watched as she threw back another glass, he knew that she wasn't fine but Brad didn't need to know that.

He was about to change the subject when he heard a raised female voice, he looked back over his shoulder to see Kate leaning across the bar and yelling at the bartender. He instantly got up and ran to her side not wanting her to make a fool of herself in public. He pulled her back slightly trying not to man handle her.

"What's the issue here?"

Kate was unimpressed with his presence and gave him a slight shove away from the bar.

"None of your business 2Dads..."

2Dads knew it wasn't the case and glanced at the bartender for answers, he passed a $50 note to him.

"I'm cutting her off, I shouldn't have even served her the last one..."

Kate snatched the money from 2Dads grip and stormed out of the pub, he raced after her checking that she wasn't heading to her car.

Outside Kate paced up and down the concrete path, 2Dads reached out and gripped her arm.

"Kate... I can give you a lift home if you like?"

She snatched her arm out of his grasp and shook her head as she rummaged in her bag for her phone.

"No, I'll call a cab..."

She fumbled with her phone, the vodka had caught up with her and her eyes refused to focus. 2Dads took out his phone and opened the Uber app and confirmed a ride.

"I've ordered you an Uber, should be 10 minutes away. Do you want me to wait with you?"

She barely made eye contact with him and sat on the edge of the raised garden bed trying to stop her head from spinning.

"No...thanks..."

2Dads watched her for a moment hoping that she would change her mind.

"Okay..."

2Dads made his way back inside the pub and stood just inside the doorway watching over her until her ride arrived.

The next morning 2Dads knocked on Maxine's door, he heard her call out to enter. He sheepishly entered her office, she looked up from her computer surprised to see him.

"2Dads, what can I do for you?"

He stood tensely in front of her, he didn't really know how to begin to raise the subject. He didn't want to give Maxine the wrong idea about Kate but he just wanted to know if anyone else had noticed her odd behaviour.

"Ah, I wanted to talk to you about Kate, ah I mean, Lieutenant McGregor..."

Maxine stopped what she was doing and leaned on her desk towards him curious about what he had to say.

"Lieutenant McGregor?"

He sat down in the chair in front of her desk and looked around the office avoiding her eye contact.

"Ah, have you see her or spoken to her lately?"

Maxine hesitated, she hadn't and now she was a little concerned.

"Ah, not really, why is that?"

"Umm, I think she needs to come back to work..."

Maxine was confused where this conversation was heading.

"Well, she's been through a lot 2Dads, it's only been a few of weeks since..."

"I know Ma'am, but I think she's lost without work. I know her Ma'am, she needs to work..."

Maxine closed the laptop in front of her and gave him her full attention, she was intrigued with where this was heading.

"I didn't realise that you two were that close..."

2Dads didn't know what the comment was supposed to mean.

"Ah, well we worked together for nearly 3 years Ma'am, we're all friends..."

Maxine smiled at 2Dads sentiment, she stood and walked around her desk.

"2Dads, it's a little more complicated than that... she needs to be cleared and she hasn't expressed any desire to come back."

2Dads was confused, he swore that when he mentioned the CO position that she seemed interested.

"Yeah I know Ma'am, I think she just needs a bit of encouragement. She's a great leader, I was just wondering if she's being considered for the CO position when Mike comes back here..."

"2Dads that's not something I can really discuss with you..."

"I know Ma'am, I just, I think she just needs to be reminded that she's a valued crew member and that this wasn't her fault."

Maxine tilted her head concerned about at his last comment

"2Dads, no one has accused her of this being her fault."

"I know Ma'am, it's just the feeling. I mean it's just stupid talk but, I hear things and I just hope she hasn't heard the same things. I mean no one's actually going to say it to her face but he was on her boarding party and technically it was her call and you know Kate, she'll take responsibility for things... things that are out of her control... I mean you and the boss, I would have thought that you would have supported her through this?"

Maxine was surprised that he was questioning her actions.

"Well, we have been giving her some space, we didn't want to push her..."

2Dads suddenly realised he was lecturing his Boss and broke eye contact and shuffled uncomfortably on the spot.

"Well, I think it would mean a lot, that's all..."

"That's very nice of you 2Dads... we'll see what happens..."

2Dads nodded and left her office, he wasn't really sure if he had made things better or worse. He left Navcom and headed to Kate's house, he was better to admit it himself than let her hear it from someone else and assume that he as gossiping about her.

He hesitated before knocking on her door, he wondered if he should just mind his own business and tell Maxine to forget about their conversation. He shook his head at himself, she was a friend and he was worried about her. He was the only one left, he couldn't just let her fade away. He inhaled sharply and knocked twice and waited.

The door opened slightly, he peered in, it was dark. Kate poked her head out of the door and squinted her eyes adjusted to the light.

"2Dads? What are you doing here? It's early!"

2Dads looked at his watch and back at her and frowned slightly.

"Ah, it's 1130 Ma'am...can I come in?"

Kate sighed and opened the door, 2Dads walked into her house and looked around and frowned. It was dark and unwelcoming, not how it previously had felt. He walked into the lounge room and threw open the curtains, Kate cringed and shielded her eyes from the light, he turned and looked her up and down. He was concerned to see she was still in her pyjamas, her hair was messy and she had panda eyes, it was not at all how he was used to seeing her. A reflection caught his eye and he glanced over to the kitchen bench, there were empty vodka bottles sprawled around. Kate noticed his prying eyes, she knew he was secretly judging her. She cleared her throat trying to distract him.

"So, what are you doing here?"

2Dads attempted to make light of the situation in order to make her feel more comfortable.

"Just umm, seeing how my favourite XO is..."

Kate knew he was lying, she could always tell. She placed her hands on her hips and put on her best XO voice.

"2Dads..."

2Dads knew he was caught out, he held his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, I just wanted to see how you were. Haven't heard much from you since we all got split up..."

Kate knew she had dropped off the radar, she had secluded herself but she hated all the sympathetic looks that followed her around.

"Yeah, well..."

She made her way to the couch and sat down and slouched over her knees, 2Dads cautiously sat down next to her, he didn't want to make her feel uncomfortable but he needed to know what was going on.

"So you're okay?"

Kate glanced up at him, she knew that he already knew the answer.

"2Dads, why are you here?"

His eyes were immediately drawn to the floor, he felt guilty talking about her to Maxine but he hoped that she knew that it was coming from a good place.

"I umm, I saw Maxine today..."

Kate didn't think anything of it, she shrugged it off.

"Yeah and?"

"Well, I spoke to her about you..."

Kate's eyes widened out of fear, why was he discussing her with Maxine?

"Me?!"

Her tone had changed, he could tell she was annoyed, he was immediately on the defence.

"Well kinda, more about you coming back to work. I feel like you need to come back..."

She didn't want to think about it, she moved off the couch and paced the lounge room.

"To come back 2Dads I have to go see a shrink."

He moved off the couch attempting to follow her, he didn't understand why seeing a shrink was a problem.

"Yeah and?"

She walked into the kitchen trying to avoid the question, there were empty bottles littered around the bench, she quickly picked up the bin and shoved them in. 2Dads walked over and sat on a stool at the bench.

"I don't understand the issue?"

She placed the bin back under the sink and proceeded to wash her hands, her back was turned so he couldn't see her defeated expression.

"I don't need someone to tell me how to get over my dead fiancée..."

Kate's stomach dropped realising what she had said, she was so glad that 2Dads couldn't see her face, she was sure that her expression would have given away her secret pain. 2Dads was shocked at her heartless tone, that wasn't the way that he thought she'd talk about him. She slammed the scrubbing brush in to the sink and tried to compose herself, she paused for a moment and concentrated on her breathing, 2Dads sensed that she was letting down her guard and it was his opportunity to get through to her. He got up and leaned against the kitchen bench, close enough to know he was there but not invading her personal space.

"But maybe just talking would help? And if that's all they want you to do in order for you to come back it seems pretty easy to me. That way you can return to the Hammersley where you belong..."

She shook her head with her back still turned and wiped her hands on the tea towel. She ran her hands through her tangled hair and turned to face him but she couldn't bring herself to look him in the eyes.

"I'm not good enough 2Dads, they knocked me back before and haven't offered me a position since..."

He didn't understand her attitude, she was normally so confident about her abilities at work.

"But that was ages ago! I mean, would you go and see someone if they offered you the job?"

Kate continued to tidy up around her avoiding his concerned stare.

"I don't want to be offered the job out of pity 2Dads..."

2Dads was getting annoyed, he didn't know where the stubborn, tough XO, the one he had learned to love and respect over the years, had gone.

"Kate..."

She cringed at him calling her Kate, she had let him get to close, to comfortable, she had to shut it down. She calmly walked to the front door and swung it open as a signal for him to leave.

"I'll see you later 2Dads..."

2Dads hesitated for a moment, he thought of pushing further but he knew he was fighting a losing battle. He wasn't going to get through to her, not today anyway. He slowly approached the door and stopped in front of her, he placed his hand gently on hers and caught her gaze.

"It wasn't your fault..."

He gave her a small nod and squeezed her hand and left.

Kate stood there for a moment taking in what he had said, she scowled and slammed the door shut. She fell back against the door and her eyes scanned around at her unkempt house. She wasn't willing to admit that she was struggling, not to 2Dads anyway. It was probably pretty clear from the state of her home that she wasn't herself and she needed to hide it, fast, before anyone else came snooping around.

End of Chapter 2.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey everyone!

So, I finally had some down time today... relaxing by the pool does wonders for writers block haha! I'm posting through the app so apologies if it's formatted strangely.

Probs should have mentioned that we are ignoring that train wreck of a scene in the last ep where Kate says to Mike he's the only one she would marry. Because we all know in my mind she should have/ would have married Jim. Lol anyway on with it there's a bit of an A/N at the end too...

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 3

An hour or so later Kate flopped on to her couch exhausted from her cleaning frenzy. She glanced around her house and nodded with approval, it looked like it used to "before". She had even cleared her wine rack and stashed the bottles in the cupboard, she sat there wondering whether it was a bit much, was it over kill? Was she over thinking it? She let out a sigh and reached for the remote and turned on the TV, she leaned her arm on the side of the couch and rested her head on her arm and closed her eyes. She had just settled her mind when a knock in the door caused her to jump to her feet. She groaned and glanced towards the door and considered ignoring it but the knock became more insistent.

She let out a huff and dragged her feet to the door, she opened it and was shocked to see Maxine. She immediately tried to straighten herself out and look as put together as possible while wearing pyjamas.

"Ma'am, I wasn't expecting you..."

Maxine strategically placed herself in the door way so Kate couldn't dismiss her.

"Yeah, sorry for the intrusion Kate, I just wanted to have a chat..."

Kate knew she didn't really have a choice so she nodded and opened the door to let her in. Maxine entered and discreetly looked around trying to gather if Kate needed more support than she was letting on. Kate immediately noticed her eyes darting around the room and sighed, thank god she had cleaned up.

"Ah so, what do I owe the pleasure?"

Maxine sat on the couch and wondered where she should start.

"So how are you?"

Kate refused to make eye contact and fiddled with the string on her pyjama pants.

"Fine..."

Maxine glanced over to her and observed her closed demeanour, she knew it was going to be harder than she thought.

"I umm, noticed that you hadn't kept your appointment with the counsellor."

Kate nervously shifted in her seat, she had already discussed this once today, and once was enough.

"Yeah, I just didn't feel like it."

Maxine wanted the conversation to be casual and friendly but it was clear from Kate's lack of communication that that approach wasn't going to work, she went into Commander Mode.

"Do you want to return to work Kate?"

Kate glanced up at her noticing her tone change then focused back at the floor.

"I dunno, Ma'am..."

She could feel Maxine's eyes on her, Maxine crossed one leg over the other and folded her hands in her lap.

"Well, you need to keep that appointment if you do. I seem to get the impression that you've lost your way a little..."

Kate wondered if 2Dads had been in her ear, she sank further into the couch feeling cornered. Maxine watched Kate's body language change and felt a little bad, she was trying to be tough on her to get her to realise what she was doing to herself. She sighed and reverted back to her original approach not wanting her to feel worse.

"Kate, I know you have been through a lot but I just wanted to let you know that you're a valued part of our crew and we do want you back when you're ready. We don't want to rush you but I thought you'd like to know that there will be a CO position available in the near future. If you're not ready to talk to someone that's okay but just thought it might give you a little push to see that counsellor..."

Kate sat there in silence not knowing what to think, it was almost like she was bribing her to go see someone. Maxine patted her arm for encouragement.

"Kate, you know this wasn't your fault, right? Don't let it eat away at you. You've worked extremely hard to get where you are, don't let your inner demon ruin it."

Kate nodded slightly trying to find the strength to respond.

"I don't want this job out of pity Ma'am..."

Maxine gave her a stern look then smirked.

"Kate, they don't hand out sympathy CO positions, this is the Navy..."

She stood up and turned to leave, Kate called out after her.

"Ma'am?"

Maxine stopped and turned at the door.

"Did 2Dads put you up to this?"

"He gave me a push, but I was coming to see you anyway. He believes in you Kate, you've got a good friend there..."

Maxine left leaving Kate more confused, she exhaled sharply and sat back in the nook of her couch, she drew her legs up to her chest and slumped her head forward on to her knees. She was just so sick of the pity, of course she knew that they were just trying to help but it made her feel worse, like they didn't believe that she could do it by herself.

She closed her eyes thinking about Maxine and 2Dads words, suddenly, it was like a switch flipped in her brain, she instantly became annoyed. Maxine said she thought that she had 'lost her way', what was that supposed to mean? She hadn't lost her way, she had lost someone she loved, she had lost her future and happiness. A tear escaped from her eye and she immediately wiped it away pretending it never existed.

She rose from the couch and made her way to the kitchen and opened the freezer door, as the cold air from the freezer hit the warm Cairns air it formed a mist that blocked her view of the interior. Her hand swatted it away and after a few seconds it disappeared revealing the frosted bottle of Grey Goose.

A slight smile crossed her face as she gripped the lid and twisted it breaking the seal. Her thoughts were getting louder, she couldn't wait to silence them and took a swig straight from the bottle. She waited a moment and took another drink, it didn't work, she slammed the bottle on to the bench and leaned her hands on the bench supporting her body weight. She let out a frustrated scream, she was going to prove them wrong, she didn't need any help, she could do this by herself but she may have to have attend one session just to shut them up. She dragged the bottle towards her and took another mouthful, just thinking about having to talk to a shrink made her want to skull the whole bottle, she needed to find a way to get through a session without giving too much away. She plonked herself back on to the couch and picked up her phone and scrolled through the names, she stopped at Dr. Cowan and pressed the call button.

"Yes Hi, my name is Kate McGregor and I would like to book the next available appointment. Yes, I can do tomorrow afternoon. Thank you, see you then."

She hung up the phone and started to panic, her breathing became shallow and her heart started to beat faster. What if this Doctor saw right through her? What if she refused to clear her? She needed to calm herself, she ran back into the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of vodka and poured herself a glass, she brought the glass to her lips and hesitated wondering whether this was part of the problem. She shook her head at the thought and downed the glass. There was a knock on the door, it startled her and the glass fell from her hand and smashed on the tiles.

"Shit!"

She knelt down trying to pick up the bigger pieces, Mike came running into the house hearing the glass break.

"Kate?"

Kate looked up to see Mike standing above her, she glanced back down at the broken glass and let out an aggravated huff, great, this was all she needed. Mike's body stiffened as the waft of vodka caught his nose, Kate could see that he was analysing the scene in front of him.

"Mike, what are you doing here?"

He was caught off guard, he hadn't thought how he was going to start the conversation.

"Ah, I was just in the area..."

He mentally kicked himself, that was lame, even for him. He knew that she would see right through it. She stood and rummaged around under the sink and grabbed the dustpan, Mike attempted to take it from her.

"Here, let me..."

She snatched it back.

"Mike, what do you want? You're the 3rd person to visit me today, and for the last 4 weeks people have avoided me like the plague, so don't tell me it is a coincidence..."

Mike reached out to touch her hand, trying to make her feel more at ease.

"Kate..."

She immediately moved away, it was more pity.

"No Mike, what do you want?"

"I, I just wanted to see how you were..."

Kate knelt down and swept up the glass avoiding is concerned eyes.

"Well, as you can see, I am fine..."

She pushed passed him and dumped the glass in the bin.

"So you can go..."

Mike sighed, this wasn't going to plan.

"Okay, well we should catch up for a coffee or something..."

Kate had had enough, she spun around and chucked the dustpan on the cupboard and flashed a defiant smile.

"Yeah, sure Mike, let's go to lunch..."

He smiled, he thought she was warming to the idea. She stepped closer and gave him one of her famous steel-eyed looks.

"And while we're at it we can talk about all the wonderful things that have brought us to this moment in time, our healthy on again off again relationship, the swipes we've had at each other when we have dated others oh and not forgetting my dead boyfriend."

Mike stood there stunned at the words coming from her mouth, he held his tongue, she was only focusing on the negative, which at this point was understandable. He knew he wasn't going to get through to her when she was like this, he sighed and left without saying a word.

He walked back into Navcom and into his office, Maxine spotted him and knocked on his door.

"So?"

He shook his head deep in thought.

"She knows, it was too obvious..."

Maxine sat down at his desk.

"Maybe we should talk to her together?"

He shook his head insistently and turned on his laptop.

"No, that would be worse, she'd feel like we're ganging up on her, she just needs to be reminded of what she loved about the Navy..."

"Maybe we should talk to 2Dads..."

Mike tilted his head wondering why Maxine was talking about 2Dads.

"2Dads?"

"Yeah, he actually started all this..."

"Mmm, maybe just give her a day or 2, she knows we care about her."

The next morning Kate awoke with a jolt, she was covered in sweat and tears fell from her eyes uncontrollably. She ran her hands over her face and leaned her elbows in her knees. She closed her eyes taking a few deep breaths in trying to calm herself, it was another nightmare. They had plagued her every night since Jim had died, all the dreams were different but they had a common theme, Jim being in trouble and Kate needing to save him, but they all ended the same way, with him dying.

She wiped the tears from her face and threw back the blanket pulled herself out of bed. Maybe she did need to get back to work, it would be a good distraction but she needed to make everyone believe that she was okay first. She paced around the room trying think of a solution, after 20 minutes of brainstorming she got into the shower and made herself presentable She took a deep breath and forced a smile on her face, she stepped in front of the mirror to check that it looked believable. She had read that smiling caused the body to release endorphins, which was supposed to make you feel happier, but she didn't feel any happier. She tired a bigger smile and held her breath hoping it would work, after she couldn't hold her breath any longer she exhaled and lost the smile. She tried once more but the person in the reflection smiling back at her felt far from the person she now was. It was the old uncomplicated, happy Kate, Jim's death was hard but she didn't realise how much it had changed her. She stood there for a moment wondering if this was the person she always been and she was just hiding it.

Kate hesitated before she knocked on Maxine's door and forced the smile she had practiced all the way to Navcom. She knocked and heard Maxine call out for her to enter.

"Ma'am?"

Maxine looked up and smiled.

"Kate? What can I do for you?"

As Kate walked into her office Maxine discreetly looked her up and down and noted that she looked more like herself.

"I umm, I wanted to talk to you about the CO position..."

Maxine gestured for her to sit, she sat and folded her hands in her lap and cleared her throat.

"I umm, I've made an appointment for later today..."

"That's great..."

"And I umm, I would like to put my hand up for the position..."

"That's great Kate, look you will need to be cleared... and I don't want to rush you."

"I know and that's completely understandable. I just really appreciate you coming around yesterday, I appreciate your kind words..."

"Well, they were all true Kate. You're an incredible asset to any team but we just need to make sure you're fine. But when you are ready we can get you back out at sea and see how the position suits..."

"Thanks, Ma'am.."

Kate walked out of her office and mentally ticked Maxine off her list, next was 2Dads. Kate walked into goat central and knocked on 2Dads door.

He opened it in his boxers, Kate couldn't help but giggle. He covered himself as his cheeks turned bright red.

"Ma'am, what are you doing here?"

She was about to apologise and had a thought, she decided to give him a scare first, her expression turned dark and she stormed into his room.

"You had no right to go see Maxine..."

2Dads swallowed hard, he knew by her face that the next few minutes weren't going to be pretty.

"Ma'am, I..."

She spun round to confront him.

"Do you know what you've done?"

He stood there too scared to answer, a grin grew on her face as she flung her arms around him and whispered in his ear.

"Thank you..."

He stood there shocked and confused at her reaction, she burst out laughing and gave him a playful shove.

"Seriously, thanks..."

He took a moment to register what was happening.

"So does that mean you're coming back?"

"Maxine said that I need to complete my counselling but when I'm cleared I'm back on Hammersley..."

He gave her a friendly shove, a retaliation for tricking him.

"That's awesome! It'll be so good to have you back! Well have to arranged a crew catch up and..."

She placed her hand on his shoulder and laughed.

"We've got a few weeks, just one step at a time..."

She flashed him a smile and walked out of his room satisfied that she had covered her previous behaviour.

End Chapter 3.

Okay, so I realise that some of you may find this a bit OC for Kate but I feel like she has the potential to 'crack' or 'spiral' due to her rule following and 'straight' nature. I kinda like the idea of 'Dark Kate'.

I should also mention that this story will deal with some issues that may make readers feel uncomfortable. I don't mean that to sound super serious, I mean the issues are and you've already started to read some of them but I thought you all should have some sort of warning but also I want you to know that I do have some personal experience in handling grief the 'wrong' way so I'm not just guessing but also I don't mean to offend anyone!

Please review. Xx


	4. Chapter 4

Hey everyone!

So, had a fab day of spotting wild animals in the National Parks of Sri Lanka but got incredibly sunburnt so had a quiet arvo inside so was a goood chance to write another chapter!

But first, on a serious note, if there are any NZers reading this, just know I am thinking of you!

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 4.

The next morning Kate lay in her bed staring at the ceiling, she glanced over to her bedside clock, her eyes scanned the numbers, 559am. She had been awake for the past few hours anxious about her counselling session. She rolled over and buried her face in her pillow trying to quiet her mind and get some more sleep. She tossed and turned and clamped her eyes closed and rolled back over to face her clock, she opened one eye and sighed as she saw the time, 603am. She flung her covers back with a groan and rose from the bed.

2 hours later she sat at her kitchen bench, her hands wrapped around a cup of coffee. She had showered, washed and blow dried her hair and tried on about 7 different outfits.

Her right leg bounced persistently on the bottom rail of the stool, her eyes widened as she glanced down at it willing it to stop. She focused back on her mug, coffee probably wasn't helping her nerves but vodka wasn't really an option. She scoffed to herself, the fact that the thought even crossed her mind made her question her own sanity.

She looked at her watch and downed the rest of the cup. She hated being late, even to things that she didn't want to go to.

She pulled up in the car park and switched off the engine, she immediately felt her heart beat faster and regretted not Irish-ing up her coffee earlier. Her hand hovered over the keys in the ignition, it took every ounce of strength in her body to not restart the engine and drive back home and drown her throughs with vodka. Shaking her head at herself, she snatched the keys out and chucked them in to her bag. She couldn't avoid this any longer, she knew that cancelling again wasn't going to get her back to work, back to "normal", a distraction. She let out a huff and gathered her bag and exited her car.

Kate lowered herself on to the couch and glanced around the office. It was just like in the movies, stark white walks, diplomas placed around the room, plants in every corner, she assumed they were supposed to make the office feel less clinical.

She sat opposite the middle-aged woman who was poised in a giant leather chair with a small table separating them. She had a soothing smile, one that Kate assumed she had perfected over the years. She didn't really believe in counselling, she felt like such a hypocrite when she had lectured Dutchy on needing to talk to one but this was different, how could a stranger help her feel better about her dead fiancée? She blinked a few times bringing her back out of her mind, she smiled hoping her face hadn't given her away.

The woman took out a folder and a pen and placed them in front of her on the table and folded her hands neatly in her lap.

"Don't be nervous Kate..."

Kate cursed in her head, Dr Cowan could already tell that she was nervous, Kate smiled back at her trying to keep calm.

"I haven't really done this before, that's all..."

Dr Cowan's smile grew trying to reassure her.

"It's okay, we can take it slow. So let just start with simple things shall we?"

Kate nodded ever so slightly, worried about what "simple" meant.

"Why are you here?"

Kate sat there trying to not to say what she was thinking, "I'm here because I can't return to work without your approval."

She fidgeted anxiously realising that she was going to have to relinquish some truths in order for the Dr Cowan to feel like she was opening up.

"Ah, well, I guess I've had some things happen to me and I need to talk about them..."

"Okay, well I've heard that you were a bit reluctant to talk? You've cancelled this appointment 3 times in the last couple of weeks. So I just wanted to make sure that you're here for yourself."

Kate hesitated not knowing how to respond, she was good. Dr. Cowan could see she was uncomfortable.

"Just tell me about yourself, Kate, how would you introduce yourself?"

Kate hated talking about herself, plus she knew was being judged and that made her feel even more on edge.

"Umm, I'm a Lieutenant Commander in the Navy, it's my life... I joined right out of school and I've just been following the career path ever since..."

Dr. Cowan picked up her folder and pen and started to scribble, she glanced back and forth from Kate to her folder.

"Right, so what do you like about the Navy?"

"Ah, the action, knowing I'm doing my part to keep Australia safe and every day is different..."

"Right, and is there anything you dislike?"

"Umm, I guess being crash sailed."

Dr Cowan nodded supportively and crossed one leg over the other.

"Okay, So what do you do in your spare time?"

Kate scoffed, Dr. Cowan was a Navy shrink, shouldn't she know that they have no spare time.

"What spare time?"

"Well, what would you do if you had more spare time?"

Kate laughed apprehensively.

"I don't really know, I'm always that busy I guess I'd never thought about it. If we do get a spare minute we normally have a few drinks at the pub..."

Dr Cowan raised and eyebrow and smiled.

"We?"

"Oh yeah, the crew..."

"So you still see them?"

Kate's gaze dropped a little, Dr. Cowan scribbled in her folder noticing Kate's demeanour change.

"So tell me about the crew then, seems like you were close?"

Kate clenched her jaw, she didn't expect to have to talk about them so soon. She glanced over to Dr. Cowan who was staring back at her waiting for an answer.

"Ah okay, so there was Bird, she was a Gap girl, when she came aboard she was only 17, she brought a youthful exuberance to the ship. She was so bright-eyed and everything was so exciting. Then there were the old hands, Charge, Swain and RO, they'd been around long before I came along. They were like the backbone of the group. We had a few come in and out but they were still important. And then there was 2Dads..."

She smiled instantly thinking about him.

"God, he was such a pain in the ass, you know one day he actually thought he could smuggle a monkey back to Australia. He was this brat who was made to join to avoid prison but he actually came good, he had this really sweet side and could always make you smile but then he'd do stupid things that would just drive me nuts!"

Dr. Cowan nodded along and smiled, there was a loving tone in her voice and a sparkle in her eye, she could see that these people meant a lot to Kate.

"So what about your Buffer, Dutchy, was it? I see his name in a lot of the reports..."

Dr. Cowan watched as Kate's expression changed, she almost looked like she was comforted at the mentioning of his name.

"Dutchy... Yeah, in the beginning, god, he was awful. No, I shouldn't say that, we didn't see eye to eye but I later found out that he had some things he needed to work through. He needed to open up about some tragedies that had occurred while in the golf, he blamed himself for..."

Kate stopped herself, it was sounding all too familiar. She shook her head dismissing the thought and skipped over the details.

"We ended up becoming close, pretty much my best friend.."

Dr. Cowan took the opportunity to jot down more notes as Kate sat there deep in thought.

"What about friends outside the navy?"

She shook her head.

"Again, no time. Crews tend to hang out together because we understand the Navy lifestyle."

"That's fair enough. So, I've obviously seen your file and I see you have excelled in everything that you have done. You have spent the required time on frigates and patrol boats but you seemed to stall when you were posted to Hammersley. You've spent the last 4 years on Hammersley as an XO, why was that?"

Kate took a deep breath in, there was no way she was going to talk about Mike so she attempted a half truth.

"I think I stayed for the crew, we were like a family..."

Dr Cowan leaned towards Kate hearing her choice of words.

"Were?"

Kate realised that she had let a vital piece of information slip, she was no longer socialising with the crew.

"Well, after the last mission we were separated, some moved on anyway but I think they thought it was best that we all have a fresh start..."

Dr Cowan caught Kate's gaze.

"And what do you think about that?"

Kate shrugged trying not to make a big deal of it. She looked over and saw Dr Cowan's pen poised, she knew that the answer to this question was important so she kept it black and white.

"Couldn't do anything about it, wasn't my decision..."

Dr. Cowan knew that was true but she also knew that Kate had to have an opinion. She didn't want her to shut down so soon, she scribbled on her note pad and continued hoping she could get through to her.

"Right, so are you still in contact with any of them? You said that they were like family."

She shook her head and then stopped herself realising she needed to make it seem like it wasn't an issue.

"Oh well Mike, the CO, he's at Navcom and well I see 2Dads occasionally."

"You said that Dutchy was your best friend, what happened there?"

Kate cursed in her mind, why did she have to reveal that they weren't in contact. No one just stops communicating with their best friend for no reason, she had to think of a good one and fast.

"Umm, he was posted elsewhere, it's hard enough to catch up out of work little own when you're in different states and sailed at different times."

Kate watched as Dr Cowan made more notes, she smiled and continued, trying to cover her tracks.

"But we're the type of friends that can go months without seeing each other and then when we do it's like no time has passed."

Dr Cowan slid her glasses down the bridge of her nose and glanced at Kate, Kate attempted to hold her stare, she knew that Dr. Cowan didn't completely believe her.

"So why not the rest?"

She shrugged trying to play dumb, Dr Cowan knew she needed to test her, she almost winced as the next question left her mouth.

"Could it be because they remind you of what happened?"

Kate immediately met Dr. Cowan's stare.

"No..."

She mentally kicked herself, the answer was abrupt and harsh, she knew that her quick answer wasn't going to help Dr. Cowan think it wasn't true.

"I mean, we just drifted, it happens a lot in the Navy..."

Dr. Cowan smiled trying to reassure her.

"Right, so you haven't returned to work.."

Kate frowned, what game was she playing, she knew she hadn't.

"No, I had to do this first and be cleared."

Kate cringed again hoping that it didn't sound too desperate.

"So you didn't really want to go back?"

Kate was confused about her question and how she came to that conclusion.

"Yes, of course, I do, but I just didn't know how to approach this..."

"Well, you're here. It's the first step! You should pat yourself on the back for that... you can't rush the process, there's no program to pass. Everyone takes a different approach and handles grief differently..."

Kate sat there and nodded in fear that she would say something else "wrong" and it would stall her return. She knew it was wrong but it was surprisingly easy to give her the answers that she thought Dr. Cowan would want to hear.

The rest of the session was a blur and before she knew it she heard a bell ding. Dr. Cowan closed her folder and placed it on the table.

"Okay well that was it, now that wasn't so scary, was it? We'll make another appointment for later this week okay?"

Kate walked in her front door in a daze not really sure how she got home, she had analysed her session in her mind all the way home. Shaking her head a little trying to clear the haze, she dumped her bag on the floor and stepped into the lounge room. Her eyes scanned around her neat house, it was like it was mocking her. It was so put together, like the way she used to be, and now she felt like the exact opposite.

She flopped onto the couch and propped herself up with a pillow, it was quiet, too quiet. She was so sick of the voices in her head so she got up and pressed the power button on her stereo. She sat back down nodding along to the dance track of Cascada's "Evacuate the Dance Floor". Smiling as the song reminded her of her care free 20s she leapt up from the couch and grabbed the bottle of vodka from the cupboard. After pouring herself a double she grabbed her phone and downloaded Cascada's greatest hits. She swallowed half her glass as she turned on Bluetooth on her phone and started to play the songs through the stereo.

An hour had passed and Kate had made a large dent in the bottle, she took another swig and screamed with excitement as the next song started.

She danced around her living room swinging the bottle around singing at the top of her lungs.

"So there you are. Again, you're circling all around, if you could only touch me now, stranger from the past"

There was a knock on her door but she didn't hear it over the music, she continued to dance around the room singing.

"Don't hesitate, now we're standing face to face. If Heaven is the only place, would you take my hand?"

The knocking became louder, she heard it and turned down the volume and listened intently.

"Hello?"

She stumbled towards the door and placed the bottle and her glass down o the coffee table. She opened it ever so slightly peering through the gap.

"Kate?"

Mike stepped closer trying to open the door further.

"Kate? Is everything okay?"

Kate swung open the door with a large grin on her face, Mike was hesitant, she wasn't normally this happy to see him.

"Ah, what are you doing?"

"Nothing much, just having a little drink and doing some dancing."

Kate bounced on the spot and took another swig from the bottle. Mike placed his hands on her shoulders trying to steady her.

"By yourself?"

She nodded with a goofy smile, he tried to take the bottle from her but she refused to listen her grip.

"Why not?"

She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the lounge and spun herself around him.

"C'mon Commander, dance with me, why did we never dance?"

She started to sing again and put the bottle down, she tried to encourage him to participate dancing around him.

"Just tell me "What do you want from me?" This is love in the first degree,

Tell me why, every time I feel your eyes all over me. Tell me "What do you want from me?" Are you mad enough to see, that it's hard to cross the line come on now, set me free. What you want from me?"

Mike has no idea what was going on in Kate's mind but he knew this wasn't right. Kate continued to spin around and tripped over her own feet and fell to the ground giggling uncontrollably.

Mike leaned down trying to get her to stand, but she was a floppy mess, he knelt down and supported her head with his hand.

"Are you okay?"

Kate nodded and let out a snort, she wrapped her hands around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, he immediately pulled away.

"Kate, what are you doing?"

She giggled and shrugged.

"Having some fun..."

Mike stood up and brushed himself off leaving her on the floor.

"Kate, this isn't you, what is going on? I thought you went and saw someone today?"

Kate staggered to her feet and scoffed.

"What? So you think I'm broken and I need someone to fix me?"

"No Kate, I just think you're going through some things..."

Kate waved her hand to dismiss him and swung open the front door.

"Thanks for killing my buzz!"

Mike walked to the door shaking his head, he stopped before leaving and turned.

"Kate, you're not fine..."

Kate frowned and slammed the door, she rubbed her hands over her face and kicked the door frame.

End of Chapter 4

Don't forget to review.

Xx


	5. Chapter 5

Hey everyone,

So I've just come out of my holiday daze and the reality is hitting me hard, the Maldives are beyond words and coming back to little old Adelaide is a little depressing. I have also had super bad jet lag! Yes, I know #firstworldproblems but I have finally managed to write something before I head off to Melbourne tomorrow lol.

Just wanted to do a shout out to all the writers, loving that were getting a whole lot of new fics coming out. I promise I'll get around to reading all of them and leave a review! And thank you to all my reviewers! I means a lot that you take the time to leave a comment!

So anyway, let's get on with it

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 5

The next morning Kate awoke on her couch face down leaning on her arm with a small patch of drool beside her hand. She wiped her hand across her mouth and attempted to sit up. She cringed as the pounding became more apparent, almost unbearable. She rolled off the couch and attempted to stand, she needed some pain killers, and fast. As her foot hit the cold tiles of her kitchen she stopped, the pounding was now a second thought as she felt the acid rise from her stomach and up her throat. Placing her hand over her mouth she ran to the bathroom and just made it to the toilet, after she felt like there was nothing else to bring up she slowly rose from the floor and turned on the shower. She chucked her clothes on to the floor and stepped inside and closed the door, she stood under the running water and tilted her head back letting the water flow over her face. She closed her eyes relieved that the tears were hidden by the water.

An hour later Kate had composed herself and walked down the stairs recharged and ready to start the day, she was worried that Mike had told Maxine about their incident from the previous night. She needed to pull herself together, too many people had seen her at her worst, and she could risk it jeopardising her return to work.

She confidently walked into Navcom and knocked on Maxine's door and poked her head in.

"Ma'am?"

Mike was leaning over Maxine's shoulder, he stepped away from her hoping that Kate wasn't going to mention the previous nights events. Maxine stood from her desk and ushered Kate into the room.

"Kate, hi, please sit..."

Kate sat in front of Maxine's desk while Mike made his way to the door, Kate turned to stop him.

"Oh, Mike, you can stay..."

Mike glanced at her uneasily and turned back and sat next to her, Maxine glanced towards Mike wondering if he knew why she was there, he gave a slight shake of the head indicating that he didn't. Kate cleared her throat and put on her 'everything's fine' smile.

"Ah, so I just wanted to come in here and, I guess, thank you guys... thank you for giving me a push to see Dr. Cowan..."

Mike glanced at Maxine uncertainly, she ignored him and turned to face Kate and smiled.

"Well, we're glad that we could help..."

Mike didn't want to be the one to cause a scene, but he knew that something wasn't right, he turned his chair towards her.

"So, you're fine with seeing someone now?"

Maxine kicked Mike's foot under the desk and cleared her throat.

"Kate, we just wanted to give you some space both professionally and personally. I assumed you'd come to us if you needed anything."

Kate smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, well you know how stubborn I can be..."

She laughed at herself trying to make them feel more comfortable, she broke eye contact and focused on the floor.

"But anyway, thanks, Dr. Cowan is really helping and I feel a lot better. I just hope that you can forgive..."

Maxine stood from her desk interrupting her and sat on the other side of her.

"Kate, you don't need to apologise for anything... we're just glad you're doing better..."

Kate stood from her chair, her cheeks were getting tired from her smile. She couldn't hold it any longer and rushed to the door, Maxine called out after her.

"Kate..."

She hesitated for a moment with her back still turned. She moved her mouth around trying to force to smile back in her face. She felt the pain in her cheek muscles and turned to face them.

"Yeah?"

"You should come round for dinner one night..."

Kate face was void of expression, Maxine glanced at Mike, he busied himself with paperwork. Kate took the opportunity while Maxine was distracted to slip out of the office. She stood on the other side of the door and shook her head slightly.

"What the?"

Back inside Mike scooted his chair closer to Maxine.

"What was that?"

Maxine looked up from her paperwork at him quizzically.

"What do you mean?"

Mike hadn't told Maxine of Kate's drunken kiss from the previous night, but he had his doubts that her thanks were genuine.

"Let's just wait and see what the shrink has to say..."

Later that evening Mike wanted to get to the bottom of Kate's visit to Navcom. He knocked on her door hoping that she would let him in, she opened the door and smiled seeing him.

"Mike, hi..."

Mike took a moment to register if she was being genuine, he smiled back realising that she was.

"Hi..."

"2 visits in 2 days, aren't I lucky?"

"Can I come in?"

She nodded and opened the door wider, Mike walked into the house looking for any warning signs. Kate turned and closed the door, the smile dropping off her face for a moment. She took a deep breath in as she turned back to face Mike and forced the smiled back on to her face.

"What's up?"

Mike walked into the lounge discreetly checking for any bottles of booze.

"Ah, I guess I just wanted to come and check on you, and before you start I know how that sounds..."

He turned to face her expecting to see an annoyed look on her face but instead she was calm and smiling.

"Mike, I've realised that I need to talk to people, well actually Dr. Cowan made me realise, and that I was being a little reckless but I know that I can get through this.."

"Oh, well that's good Kate... umm,well yeah, I was just seeing what you were up to tonight, do you wanna hang out? Have a drink?"

Kate tried not to react, she wondered if he was testing her. Mike walked over to the fridge and opened it.

"I would kill for a beer, it still so hot out there..."

Kate walked into the kitchen and stood behind him.

"Ah, no beer I'm afraid.."

Mike closed the fridge and opened the cupboard.

"Wine?"

Kate grit her teeth, he was pushing it.

"Ah, no sorry, fresh out..."

She pretended to busy herself so he wouldn't see her frustrated expression.

"Ah look Mike, I'm pretty tired and I gotta get back into a routine so..."

"Yeah, of course, well I'll catch you round..."

Kate showed Mike to the door, she closed it behind him and it out a growl.

Mike walked back into his house, Maxine sat on the couch and handed him a glass of red.

"Where have you been?"

Mike sat down beside her and took a large sip.

"Ah, I went to see Kate..."

Maxine crinkled her brow.

"What for?"

"Ah, I just wanted to check up on her..."

"Don't you think it's a bit late for that Mike?"

"I just, I dunno..."

Maxine placed her glass on the table, she knew there was something that he wasn't telling her. She leaned closer to him and gave him a questioning "commanders" look.

"Mike..."

Mike knew he was caught, they had been friends for a long time he didn't know why he thought he could get away with it She was too good.

"She was drunk..."

Maxine grasped her glass and took a sip

"Drunk? Kate!?

He nodded and exhaled sharply, he knew he was going to have to tell her.

"Yeah, she umm kissed me..."

Maxine raised her eyebrow and took another sip.

"Right..."

"I stopped it, but she was a mess..."

"Okay, so I assume from that and the funny look she gave me today about dinner that you haven't told her about us?"

Mike shook his head, Maxine sighed.

"I know we've always said our private life is exactly that but I know you guys have history. I don't want to make a big song and dance about it but we need to let her know eventually Incase it makes things worse."

"Yeah, I know. I just don't want her to feel like were saying it does affect her... maybe a friendly dinner?"

Mike got out his phone and opened his messages.

"I'll make it seem like we want to discuss work too..."

He started to type.

"Dinner at mine tomorrow with Maxine, want to discuss returning to work."

He hit send and picked up his glass and took a sip waiting for the reply.

Plonking herself back on the couch, Kate tilted the frosted bottle downward, her eyes focused on the liquid that filled her glass. As she raised the glass to her lips and instantly felt a sense of calm knowing that soon she wouldn't feel anything. She was interrupted as her phone beeped in her pocket.

She removed the phone and exhaled loudly. Her brow crease deepened while reading the message, she threw it back on to the couch with such force that it bounced a few times. She glanced at it as if she was angry at the phone for even alerting her to the text that was written on the screen.

She let out another huff as she picked it up, she knew it wasn't just going to go away, she scoffed at the thought, he mind already sounded like Dr Cowan.

She opened the message and replied.

"Sure, sounds good. Want me to bring anything?"

"Nothing, see you at 7..."

It took every ounce of strength in her body for her to not hurl her phone against the wall, Instead she closed her eyes and finished her glass. She immediately poured herself another wanting her mind to stop.

Kate awoke the next morning on her lounge room floor, she slowly opened one eye trying to get her bearings. Placing her hands on her lower back as she pulled herself up from the floor she let out a groan.

She glanced at her phone on the table, the time flashed on the screen 9:35am.

"Shit..."

She had an appointment with Dr Cowan in 25 minutes, she rushed upstairs and jumped into the shower.

She ran into the foyer of Dr Cowan's office and attempted to brush the wrinkles out of her shirt. She took a deep breath in and knocked on the door and opened it slightly.

"Dr Cowan, sorry I'm late..."

Kate could feel Dr Cowan's eyes run over her, she knew she was making assumptions.

"It's okay Kate... have a seat and we can get started..."

Kate's felt her pulse increase, she was so worried about being late she hadn't thought of how she was going to approach today's session. She needed to calm herself, she nervously rubbed her hands together, they were clammy.

"Kate, is everything alright?"

Kate barely heard Dr Cowan, all she could hear was her heartbeat. She closed her eyes willing it to quieten, just breathe Kate. She flinched as she felt a hand on hers.

"Kate... Kate are you okay?"

Kate slowly opened her eyes wishing she was anywhere else.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just..."

Dr Cowan sat back in her chair and took out her note pad and pen.

"Kate, we're not going to progress if..."

She exhaled trying to centre herself.

"I know..."

"Just take a moment Kate..."

Her leg bounced up while trying to sort through her mind. Dr Cowan observed her anxious body language, after a few minutes of silence she had to interject.

"Okay... so what's go you on edge today?"

"I hate being late..."

Dr Cowan couldn't help but laugh.

"Me too...so, is that all?"

Kate glanced up at the clock, she wasn't sure how she was going to fill the remaining 53 minutes.

"Kate... we need to make use of this time..."

"I have to go to dinner with my ex tonight."

Kate froze, she didn't know where that had come from. She didn't mean it to come out, she never wanted to explain Mike to Dr Cowan.

Dr Cowan's head tilted, she was now intrigued.

"Okay, why do you 'have' to?"

Kate hesitated trying to think of a way to explain.

"Okay, well I don't have to... I mean, I'm trying to make an effort..."

Dr Cowan scribbled in her notebook and glanced up at her.

"An effort?"

Kate mentally kicked herself, why did she have to mention him.

"Well, were still friends and I'm trying to get out a bit more."

Dr Cowan smiled.

"That's great, I mean, as long as he's a good person."

Kate sighed.

"Yeah, he is..."

Later that night Kate stood out the front of Mike's house with a bottle of wine. She lifted her hand to kick and hesitated.

"C'mon Kate, you wanna go back to work don't you?"

She knocked on the door and heard foot steps. The door swung open to a smiling Mike.

"Kate! Come in!"

He went to hug her but she held out the bottle of wine to block him.

"I, umm brought this..."

"Oh, that wasn't necessary but thanks!"

Kate walked into the house and spotted Maxine looking quite at home.

"Ma'am..."

Maxine stood and smiled feeling a little awkward.

"Maxine is fine out of the office, Kate.."

Mike still wasn't sure if this was a good idea, he handed Kate a glass of wine.

"So, how was your day?"

Kate took a sip and raised an eyebrow.

"Is that code for, how was your session?"

Mike glanced at Maxine nervous that he had spilled the beans too early. Kate laughed at his reaction.

"Mike, I'm teasing, it's fine really. And yes, they're going well."

Maxine placed a hand on Kate's arm trying to make a connection with her.

"Kate, I just, you know we're here for you right?"

Kate nodded and took another sip of her wine. She wasn't used to the "friend" Maxine and she wasn't complete sure that she would ever be comfortable with it.

A couple of hours later the conversation had died off, there was only so much small talk and work talk they could discuss without discussing the recent incident.

Kate placed her glass on the table and stood to clear the table. Mike reaches out stopping her.

"You don't need to do that Kate..."

She smiled politely and continued to clear.

"It's the least I can do!"

She carried the plates into the kitchen, more than anything she needed a break from all the smiling and fake laughter.

Maxine scooted her chair closer to Mike checking over her should that Kate was out of ear shot.

"She seems fine..."

Mike glanced back at her stacking the dishwasher.

"Yeah, I guess, have you heard from Dr Cowan?"

"Yeah, she's only had 2 sessions but she's going and she seems optimistic...maybe you're just being over protective Mike, you've always been like that about your crew..."

Kate watched their actions out the corner of her eye. She had suspected that they were together, the number of times they had said "we" during the night had tipped her off.

Maxine leaned her head on his shoulder.

"But I guess that's what's make you a great CO..."

"It was still strange seeing her smashed the other night."

"Yeah, well she's been drinking tonight and she's fine..."

Mike took another sip from his glass.

"Yeah, I guess..."

Kate stood at the doorway of the lounge and had hear the last part of the conversation. She cleared her throat as she walked back into the room and Maxine immediately re positioned herself.

Kate tried to laugh it off.

"It's fine, I would have eventually found out right? Look, I'm pretty beat guys. Thanks for dinner! I'll catch you later!"

Kate couldn't get out of their house fast enough. While she no longer felt anything for Mike, watching 2 people being happy together was the last thing she wanted to witness. She so desperately needed to be back out at sea with routine and structure, she needed to make sure that Dr Cowan cleared her.

End of Chapter 5.

Please let me know what you think! Xx


	6. Chapter 6

Hey everyone,

Been a bit of a miserable day in Melbs so it's given me a chance to write!

Thanks to those who left feedback! Nice too see some new users out there too! Feedback is always appreciated! Keeps me writing! So much love!!

Anyway, on with the story, PS were still in the "past", hopefully we'll be back to the present soon and discover who the people are in the first chapter!!

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 6

A few days later Kate was back in Dr Cowan's office for another session.

"And how does that make you feel?"

Kate exhaled sharply as her eyes darted around the room, they finally settled into Dr Cowan's gaze.

"Ah, like there's hope, hope that I can be normal again."

Dr Cowan scribbled on her notepad, Kate cringed a little wondering if she had said something wrong.

"And what is normal?"

"Not feeling like there's a cloud hanging over my head..."

Kate shifted in her seat a little uncomfortable about her next sentence.

"And not feeling like this was my fault..."

She sat there for a moment before she burst into tears, the tears were not genuine even though her comment was true. She cringed at herself, annoyed that she had divulged that piece of information, however, none of what she was saying was resonating with her. The words were not connecting with her emotions and she refused to let any of Dr Cowan's techniques throw her.

Dr. Cowan passed her the box of tissues.

"And why do you think this is your fault, Kate?"

Kate took a moment to compose herself, she had already admitted too much, she shrugged. Dr Cowan let out a small sigh, she knew Kate blamed herself and she was clamming up.

"Kate, from what I read in everyone's reports you were doing your job and he was doing his job. That was his decision to disarm that bomb not yours. Repeat it with me, Jim was doing his job..."

Kate hadn't said his name out loud since that fateful day, but if Dr. Cowan was to let her back out there she was going to have to say it. She tucked her hands underneath her thighs and closed her eyes, his face flashed in her mind. She dug her nails into her thighs trying to get the image to disappear.

"Jim was doing his job..."

She felt sick as the words left her mouth, Dr. Cowan nodded and reached forward to touch her knee.

"Very good, now, how do you feel about being back on the same ship?"

Kate opened her eyes and shrugged.

"Well, it's probably easier, I know the ship..."

"And the crew? You're not familiar with them, how does that make you feel?"

"It's okay, it happens. We need to get used to it, change is inevitable right?"

Dr. Cowan smiled and jotted down a few more notes.

"Kate, I get that you're a logical person, but there's no logical way to work through grief. There's no time limit and everyone reacts differently. It seems that work is very important to you but I don't want it to be a distraction for working through this issue."

Kate immediately made eye contact with Dr. Cowan in panic.

"So, you're not clearing me?"

"It's not that simple, Kate, I want to do a couple more sessions and then maybe we'll talk about that possibility. But only if you to continue to see me okay?"

She nodded.

"Thank you, I really feel like this is helping.."

Kate calmly stood from the couch and shook her hand and smiled.

Kate walked in her front door and violently threw her bag on to the counter and paced around the kitchen muttering to herself.

"What does she know? I know when I'm ready to go back, who doesn't need a distraction, my bloody fiancée died..."

Kate froze on the spot, she had said it more times this week than she would like to admit. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists by her side and held it for a second, she then slowly unclamped her hands trying to calm herself but it wasn't working. She knelt down and opened the cupboard under the sink, as she moved aside a few bottles of cleaners her heart began to race, where is it?

She breathed a sigh of relief as he eyes spotted the bottle of Grey Goose. She reached in and removed it from the cupboard and placed in on top of the kitchen bench, she stared at it for a moment wondering if it was becoming part of the issue, she shook her head quickly dismissing the thought, it wasn't doing anyone any harm, it wasn't like she was drink driving or doing drugs.

She poured herself a double and downed it in one mouthful. She smiled as it burned all the way down her throat, the burning had become like a type of comfort for her, like a good pain. She immediately poured herself another one and swallowed it all.

A week later Kate had mostly kept to herself, she had received the odd message from 2Dads and Mike but she had replied with simple answers, ones that couldn't be read into.

She was due to attend her 5th counselling session, she stood outside the door and knocked. As she heard the door unlock she forced the grin onto her face, Dr. Cowan opened the door and she entered and lowered herself on to the couch nervously. Every session made her more on edge, not because she was made to reveal things that she wasn't comfortable with but she was scared that Dr. Cowan would see right through her.

She took a deep breath in trying to sort through the various explanations in her head. Which one was too obvious? which one was too pathetic?

"I realise it was his job, we know our jobs are dangerous but..."

She hesitated for effect, Dr. Cowan leaned forward intrigued by her next sentence.

"But what? Kate."

She could feel her heart beast faster, her mouth took over.

"Why did it have to be him?"

She felt her stomach drop, this was the truth, an honest answer, she hadn't meant for it to escape but maybe subconsciously she was interested in Dr. Cowan's answer. She felt overwhelmed and broke down and covered her face.

"That's a question no one can answer Kate..."

"I know, I think I just need to focus on how good of a person he was, what he did save a lot of people and I've realised that's why I want to go back to work, that's why I love my job, I can make a difference."

"That's good Kate..."

"I know that I won't just be able to "get over this" it's not a problem to get over, it's something I have to live with and work through and with your help, I feel like I can breathe again."

Dr. Cowan smiled.

"Well, it certainly sounds like you've turned a corner. I must say that your Commander was concerned you weren't going to follow through with these sessions."

"Look, I'm not going to lie, I had to, if I wanted to return to work, but it does feel good to talk to someone."

It was lie, she still didn't believe words that escaped her mouth. They were not connecting to her mind, it was like she was memorising quotes to help her get through it. She didn't know why it didn't register, why what she was saying didn't resonate with her.

"Well, you know I'm always here, and you can call if you need me while you're out at sea..."

Kate shifted in her seat, itching for her to get to the point.

"Does that mean you're letting me go back?"

"Kate, you're progressing well and it does seem that work does hold a key to your positivity and well you need to go back out there at some point. I believe that there are another 2 weeks before Commander White needs a replacement so we will continue our sessions but it's looking good to me. But as soon as you're back from your first patrol you need to come and see me."

Kate nodded enthusiastically.

"Thank you so much, Dr. Cowan!"

Kate shook her hand and left the office and for the first time leaving her session her smile didn't fall from her face but just like every other time she drove home and poured herself a drink.

She picked up the bottle and walked to the couch, she turned on the TV and stared at it blankly as poured another glass. Her mind filled with visions of Jim and the happy life she had led until a few weeks ago, tears streamed down her cheeks and she gulped down the contents of her glass. Almost automatically, she poured herself another while she stared into space.

Hours later she had fallen asleep and was woken by 2Dads knocking on her door She sat up and rubbed her head, she looked at the empty bottle and cringed. She sat there for a second contemplating whether to answer it, she heard a voice call out.

"Ma'am? I know you're in there.."

She rolled off the couch and answered the door.

"Yes, 2Dads..."

"Hey, I just popped over to see if there was any news?"

"News?"

"Like, how's it going? Do you think you'll be coming back? Not that I want to pressure you, I mean there's a lot going on but I just..."

She placed a hand on her him and rolled her eyes.

"2Dads, you're babbling..."

"Sorry Ma'am, it's just good to see you're looking better..."

Kate raised an eyebrow questioning his choice of words, he instantly corrected himself.

"I mean, that you're seeing someone because you were... never mind. We just want you back at work that's all..."

Kate knew she was making him nervous, she liked 2Dads, she wasn't sure why. He was the type of kid she normally relished getting into line but there was something about him.

"You wanna come in?"

He smiled and nodded. He looked around, at least it wasn't dark. They walked into the lounge, Kate stumbled over her own feet, 2Dads reached out to steady her. They sat on the couch and he spotted the empty bottle of vodka, Kate noticed him staring.

"Ah, nightcap..."

She quickly picked them up and put them in the kitchen and returned and sat on the couch.

"So, you're checking up on me?"

2Dad knew he was caught out.

"Ah, I guess..."

"I'm fine 2Dads, counselling is going well, I think she's going to clear me!"

"That's great! But like, it's working, right?"

Kate knew what he was getting at. And she didn't like it.

"2Dads, I'm fine, really..."

He glanced over to the empty bottle sitting on the cupboard, she followed his eyes and let out a huff.

"It's a few drinks, it helps me relax, and anyway you'd drink me that than in a day on one of your boys weekends..."

2Dads hesitated, he didn't want to accuse her of anything and she was probably right.

"Well, you should come and say hi to everyone... we're having drinks down the pub tonight..."

Kate wasn't sure if she was completely ready.

"Ah, maybe..."

He playfully tapped her on the arm.

"C'mon, they're a great bunch, you're going to have to get to know them eventually."

Kate knew he was right, it was annoying.

"Okay, just for a little bit..."

Later that night Kate entered the pub, she spotted 2Dads in the corner with the rest of the crew. He stood up and waved her over, Kate walked over and was greeted with a bunch of smiling faces. 2Dads proceeded to introduce her to everyone.

Kate smiled and nodded as he went through the names and positions, she barely heard any of it through the beat of her heart echoing in her head.

Indy, the newest recruit positioned herself next to Kate.

"Hi, I'm Indy, I'm so glad they'll be another girl on the ship..."

Kate smiled politely, she reminded her of Bird, the bright-eyed newcomer. She shuffled closer to Kate as her grin grew.

"I can't believe I'll be under the command of THE Kate McGregor, you know you're a legend around ADFA. Everyone looked up to and you and the team, we would always track the Hammersley and their missions. Oh and the way you guys took down that double agent..."

2Dads eyes widened, he stood behind Kate and tried to signal to Indy to stop, she looked at him strangely and continued to fangirl.

"Oh and that guy who stopped the bomb, what a hero, what was he like? Bet he was a super cool guy...

She suggestively raised her eyebrows and nudged Kate with her elbow.

"And not bad to look at right?"

Kate looked around and the sets of eyes locked on her waiting for her to answer. She couldn't do this, she wasn't ready, she stood up and excused herself before she burst into tears. 2Dads knew exactly what was happening, he whacked Indy on the arm.

"What are you doing?"

He ran after Kate who had run out to the car park.

"Kate, wait..."

Kate rummaged around in her bag for her keys, she needed to get out of there.

"2Dads, this was a mistake..."

"I thought you were better, I thought that..."

She found her keys and pulled them out of her bag and turned to face him with a tear stained face.

"Better? 2Dads I'm not sick..."

2Dads felt awful, he didn't mean it like that. He shuffled his feet and kicked a small pebble around like an embarrassed child.

"I know Ma'am, but I thought the sessions were helping..."

Kate unlocked her car and got in.

"They are but..."

Kate hesitated, she couldn't tell him anymore. 2Dads reached out and placed a supportive hand on her shoulder.

"Kate, maybe you should talk to Maxine..."

She knew that he knew there was more too it, but what scared her the most was the would tell.

"No, 2Dads, please this is all I have. I'm going to more sessions before I start. I will be fine..."

He gave her a half-hearted smile knowing that she was desperate to return to work. He nodded agreeing, even though it was against his better judgement, she smiled back at him and started the car and drove home.

2Dad wondered if she should go after her but felt a presence behind him, he turned and Indy stood a few metres behind him. He walked back to her, she grabbed his arm confused at Kate's reaction.

"What is going on?"

"Look, I know you're brand new but, I thought you would have heard."

They walked back inside and 2Dads stood at the table and cleared his throat.

"So, it's just easier to tell you all together so you know and don't put your foot in it. The SAS Captain who died, he was Kate's fiancée. She has been off work since it happened a few weeks ago but she's ready to come back so we just need to tread carefully."

They all sat there in silence. Indy raised her hand.

"Should she be coming back so soon?"

"She's getting help, she's not back for a couple of weeks... she doesn't want sympathy, she wants to do her job. Got it?"

They all nodded.

2Dads headed to Kate's house, he went to knock but stopped himself, he knew she probably wouldn't let him in. He tried to door handle, it turned, it was unlocked. He cautiously entered the house

"Kate?"

He found her sitting on the couch staring at a photo, he walked up behind her and sighed as he spotted the newly opened bottle of vodka. He was getting frustrated, she wasn't okay, the counselling either wasn't working or she was pretending. He swiped the bottle from the table, she tried to stop him and grabbed his arm.

"Hey."

He snatched it away from her and stared her down.

"Kate, what are you doing?"

She placed a hand on her hip and attempted the swipe the bottle but he was too quick.

"What do you mean?"

"You're not okay?"

She shook her head and walked away from him.

"I don't know what you're talking about, I'm fine..."

He slammed the bottle on the coffee table startling her a little.

"Fine?"

He walked over to the kitchen and rummaged through the bin, he pulled out 3 empty Vodka bottles and placed them on the bench.

"Really? You're fine? You're not going to be able to continue this on board..."

Kate dropped her head, she was so ashamed, she had always been strong and resilient but this had just thrown her. Drinking numbed everything, it made her feel nothing, it was easier than feeling lost, lonely and guilty.

2Dads could see that he had hit a nerve. He walked over to her and stood in front of her waiting for her to talk, she could barley meet his eyes. He sighed and reached out to touch her, she flinched slightly.

"Kate, everyone is here for you..."

She scoffed and looked away.

"Everyone? Everyone is gone... well, except you..."

2Dads frowned at her comment.

"Kate, you shut everyone out. Most of them didn't have a choice but to move on, you know how it is..."

Tears ran down both of her cheeks and dropped on her arms that were folded defensively over her chest. She lowered herself onto the couch and 2Dads knelt beside her and tried to comfort her.

"I'm here for you, Maxine and Mike are too. You just need to let us help you, let us in..."

Kate looked up at him with her tear stained face.

"I'll try 2Dads..."

End of Chapter 6.

Don't forget to review! Xx


	7. Chapter 7

Hey Lovelies,

Happy Hump Day!

Thanks to the legends that left a review! i do this for you ( but also to for fill my crazy fantasies haha) Little Rose, you need to join so I reply to you!

Anyway, not much to report... we'll be back to the present soon.

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 7

The next morning Kate awoke on her couch, the last thing she remembered was crying in 2Dads arms. She prayed that he wouldn't tell anyone about her 'episode', it would definitely halt her return, she couldn't risk it. She picked up her phone and messaged him, 30 minutes later he knocked on her door.

Kate sheepishly answered the door and let him in. They sat down on the couch, she didn't know how to start.

"Ah, thanks for last night..."

He wasn't sure what to say either, he had yelled at Kate, his boss. He had never imagined that he would speak to her the was he had last night.

"That's okay, I, we, everyone, just wants you to be happy."

He cringed realising that happiness was far from something you would feel after losing someone.

"Ah, you know what I mean."

She smiled at 2Dads sentiment, she did know and it warmed her heart to know how much he cared.

"So, about last night. I just need you to know it's not a problem. You have to know that I'd never bring it on board."

2Dads watched her expression, her eyes were pleading with him to believe her. He felt terrible, he knew she would never break Navy regulations, she was Kate McGregor but her behaviour worried him.

"Kate..."

She could tell by his anxious expression and tone of voice that he was concerned. She reached out and grabbed his hand and stared into his eyes.

"2Dads, I will be fine! Please, just let me work through this!"

He sighed and smiled at her.

"You're still seeing someone?"

Kate nodded.

"Yes and when I get back from patrol..."

2Dads tucked his hand into his pocket and retrieved out an envelope. He spun it around in his hand for a moment wondering if he should hand it over. Kate frowned and playfully tapped him on the shoulder.

"What's that?"

He refused to make eye contact and continued to fiddle with the envelope.

"Ah, we bought it for you as a birthday present turned engagement present, that's why, umm, Jim's name is on the card, I thought I'd just warn you..."

He handed her the envelope, she cautiously took it from him like it was a ticking time bomb. She wasn't sure that she wanted to open it so she just stared at it for a minute, 2Dads cleared his throat wondering if he should take it back and pretend it never existed.

"You don't have to take it..."

She glanced up at him for a second.

"No, its okay, I'm okay..."

She tore open the envelope hoping that she could keep it together.

Her stomach dropped as she read the text on the front of the card, it read, "Happy Engagement" but the crew had crossed out "Happy" and written "The rules of". 2Dads watched has her eyes scanned the card, he winced sensing it wasn't having the effect that it meant to, he let out a halfhearted laugh.

"It was supposed to be funny, cos we have rules of engagement and..."

She turned and smiled ever so slightly,

"Yeah, I get it 2Dads…"

She exhaled sharply and opened the card. Inside all the crew had each written a "rule of engagement", she couldn't help but smile while reading them.

"Jim,

do everything she says, she's terrifying when she's mad.

Kate,

congratulations, he will do anything you say. Love, 2Dads"

"Kate,

no, you can't take the typhoon home when you have an argument.

So happy for you both!

Dutchy"

"Jim,

Kate is our little/big sister, oh what am I saying, she can take care of herself! You should be the one that's scared. If you need her to be more agreeable I'll give you my Guava Mojo recipe!

Charge XO"

She had to stop reading, although it made her so happy that her crew cared so much it also reminded her that she didn't have any of this anymore, no crew or family or Jim.

2Dads could see she was struggling and reached for the card, Kate resisted and placed it on the couch while wiping the tears from her face.

"It's lovey 2Dads, thanks for giving it to me!"

He pulled out the loose piece of paper that was sitting inside and handed it to her.

"It's a voucher for a hotel in Port Douglas, a bit of a break. I thought you could still use it, you know, relax before you come back out with us..."

Kate tried to compose herself but all her mind couldn't concentrate on was Jim and how happy they would have been together. She couldn't keep it in and she lost it and burst into tears, 2Dads moved closer and placed an arm around her shoulder to try comfort her.

"Kate, I'm sorry... look, I'll take it away."

Kate reached and grabbed his hand stopping him.

"2Dads, it's fine, I just, I just wasn't prepared... but I'm glad you gave it to me, it will help, thank you!"

She embraced him and gave him a squeeze, a smile spread over 2Dads face.

"I really appreciate it,and it was a good idea..."

There was an awkward silence.

"Maybe I'll see if they have some time this week, hopefully I'll be back next week."

She got off the couch and picked up her phone wandered into the kitchen to make a booking, 2Dads sat on the couch looking around her lounge room, everything that was happening indicated that she was getting back on track and her house did look normal again but he was still worried. He took out his phone and opened a new message.

"Hey mate, give me a call when you can, it's about Kate..."

His finger hovered over the send button wondering if he should go ahead, he glanced up at Kate who was pacing the kitchen on the phone. He shook his head and deleted the message.

Kate came back into the room and he quickly shoved his phone back into his pocket and smiled.

"How'd you go?"

"All Good..."

She smiled and plonked herself back on the couch.

"Yep, all booked in for tomorrow actually, can't wait."

2Dads stood and squeezed her shoulder and smiled.

"Good, and try to relax okay?"

She nodded, 2Dads made his way to the front door, he turned before leaving.

"It's good to have you back, Kate..."

She flashed him a smile as he shut the door. The smiled faded from her face as the door clicked shut, she glanced at the card sitting on the couch and reached over and picked it up, she was about to open it but she stopped herself, it was too painful. She rose from the couch and shoved it into the same drawer where she hid their photo together.

She walked over to the kitchen sink and opened the doors and stood there for a moment, she shook her head at herself and slammed the doors shut and went upstairs.

Later that afternoon Kate sheepishly knocked on Mike's door. She was about to walk away when it swung open, she turned back to see a surprised Mike.

"Ah, hi..."

"Kate, everything okay?"

Kate let out a frustrated huff.

"Why does something have to be the matter for me to come and see you?"

He motioned for her to enter.

"Sorry, Kate..."

She hung her head, she wanted to try and make things right.

"Sorry, look I just wanted to come and apologise for the other day, I'm trying to, umm, get myself together and I thought the first step was apologising."

"You don't need to apologise Kate..."

"Yeah, I do Mike and I need to take responsibility for my actions... I need to deal with things and I wasn't doing it very well. So, umm, do you accept my apology?"

Mike reached out and touched her hand.

"Of course... so you wanna stay for lunch?"

"Oh no, I umm, I'm going on a mini break..."

"Kate McGregor on holiday? I don't believe it!"

"Yeah, see, new me!"

"Well, have a good time!"

The next morning Kate pulled up to the Sheraton hotel and got out her car, she slid her sunglasses onto her head and admired the resort. The valet approached her and cleared his throat.

"Ma'am, are you a guest here?"

"Oh, yes..."

He held out his hand of her keys, she placed them in his palm and smiled

"Thanks..."

She grabbed her suitcase out of the car and wheeled it into the foyer, she approached the desk and was greeted with a friendly looking gentleman.

"Checking in?"

She nodded and handed over her ID and credit card.

"This place is beautiful.."

The man behind the counter nodded and continued to type on the computer.

"Yes, 5 star, the best, a great choice Ms. McGregor... Anyway so are you up here on business or pleasure?"

"Ah, business..."

She paused, she didn't know why she lied.

"Great, well would you like a quiet room then?"

"Yeah, that would be great..."

"Oh, sorry I have a voucher..."

Kate rummaged around in her bag and found the piece of paper and handed it to him. He typed on the computer entering the voucher into the system.

"Oh, yes..."

She watched at his eyes scanned the screen, his expression saddened for a moment then he glanced back up to her forcing smile back on to his face. Kate tilted her head slightly, confused about his expression.

"Is something the matter?"

James realised that he had given something away, he tried to put on his best customer service face.

"Not at all jus,t umm, have to fix something with your booking..."

Kate sighed, she knew what was going on.

"Did someone call? I know that the booking was supposed to be for 2..."

James winced trying not to react and not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable. Kate sighed a little and tried to smile through it.

"It's okay, James..."

He gave her a halfhearted smile.

"At least you've got people watching out for you..."

"Yeah, I do..."

He handed back her ID and card and activated her key card.

"Great, all sorted, enjoy your stay, and if there's anything I can do to make your stay more enjoyable please don't hesitate to ask, my name is James..."

Kate froze hearing his name.

"Thanks James, will do..."

Kate pressed the key card to the sensor and swung open the door, she smiled as she walked into the room. It was bright and welcoming, she placed her suitcase at the foot of the bed and unpacked her clothes into the wardrobe. She walked around the room opening drawers and cupboards, in the lounge she opened a small door and found the mini bar, her eyes gazed over the multiple mini bottles of booze, she immediately shut the door and sat on the couch. She tapped her feet on the floor, she didn't really know how to relax, her life was so hectic and real downtime was a rarity.

She got up and glanced out the window down to the pool, it was fairly quiet being the start of the week. She went back into the bedroom to get changed into her bathers and grabbed a towel.

She lay her towel on one of the lounges and placed herself on top, she wiggled herself into a comfortable position and placed her sunglasses over her eyes. She closed her eyes for a moment trying to take in the peace and quiet. Seconds later the tranquility was disturbed by a scream and a splash of water hitting her. She bolted upright and removed her sunglasses to see what had caused a commotion. An enchanting woman was woman splashing around in the pool with a very handsome man, the woman looked over to her and noticed her annoyed expression. She swam over to Kate's side of the pool and propped herself up on the side.

"Oh, I'm sorry did I get you?"

Kate's smiled politely as she wiped the water off her body with her towel.

"Yeah, but it's fine, really..."

The woman got out of the pool and wrapped a towel around herself.

"No, you were relaxing and minding your own business, sorry, hey, let me buy you a drink to make up for it..."

Kate wived her hands in the air dismissing her offer.

"No, that's really not necessary..."

"I think it is... C'mon!"

She reached out and pulled Kate to her feet and dragged her to the bar, she turned to the man in the pool and leaned down and gave him a kiss.

"I'll be back soon..."

Kate hesitated a little.

"Look it's really okay, I don't want to pull you away from your husband. You're obviously spending some time together..."

The woman laughed and pulled Kate further towards the bar.

"He's not my husband, he's umm, fun..."

They sat at the bar and the woman ordered 2 cocktails.

"Oh, I'm Jade by the way…"

"Kate…"

"So, you here on holiday?"

"Yeah, just a quick trip before I go back to work..."

"Nice, what do you do?"

Kate paused, she didn't really want to divulge that she worked in the Navy.

"Ah, government..."

Jade let out a laugh and nodded towards the bartender.

"I think we'll need some shots too!"

Kate shook her head insistently.

"Oh no, I can't do shots! I'm actually trying to have a dry holiday…"

"Kate, you work for the man, you need a drink."

The bartender placed 2 cocktails in front of them, Jade glanced at Kate's uncertain expression.

"Okay, so what's telling you that you need a dry vacation? Seriously?"

Kate wasn't normally the type of person to reveal personal information to a complete stranger but somehow it seemed easier.

"I just have been on it a lot lately, I've been on leave…"

Jade playfully tapped her on the arm.

"Yeah, well drinking at work is frowned upon right? C'mon Kate, you're in a tropical paradise, it would be rude not to have a cocktail."

Kate took a moment, maybe this is what she needed, a friend who didn't know the real her, the sad broken woman who lost her fiancée. She was on holiday after all and would probably never see this woman again, she could be anyone she wanted, someone completely different. Kate let out a huff of defeat.

"Okay, lets do this!"

Jade let out an excited squeal and called the bar tender over.

"2 shots of, hmm, surprise me!"

Kate laughed and sipped her cocktail, Jade put her cocktail back on the bar and excitedly patted her arm while swallowing her mouthful.

"What are you doing tonight? I heard there's some crazy pool foam party at one of the hotels... you wanna come?"

Kate realised that she didn't bring any clothes to go out in, well not for clubbing anyway.

"Ah, yeah I guess but I don't have anything to wear."

"That's fine, I've got plenty of stuff, afternoon make overs!"

She clinked her glass with Kate's and they both took a sip, Kate glanced back at the attractive man in the swimming pool.

"What about him?"

"Oh, it's okay, I can catch up with him later..."

She let out a giggle and nudged her with her elbow.

"If you know what I mean..."

Later that day and 7 cocktails later Jade and Kate stumbled up to Jade's room.

Jade rummaged around in the wardrobe and fond a few pieces of clothing for Kate and held them up in front of her.

"What do you think?"

Kate could help but laugh.

"If my crew at work saw me in these, they would think I've gone nuts…"

Jade looked mildly offended and raised an eyebrow, Kate took another sip of her drink.

"I don't mean, look I wear a uniform every day and I'm in charge, they've never really seen me in anything else than that and a maxi dress.

Jade shoved the pile of clothes in Kate's arms.

"When I'm done with you, they won't recognise you!"

She walked over to the tall boy and fished out a bra and tossed it on the top of the pile and gave her a wink.

"you need a bit of oomph! Call out when you're dressed, I'll freshen up our drinks."

She grabbed the glass out of Kate's full hands and shut the door behind her.

20 minutes later Jade was becoming impatient and knocked on the bedroom door.

"Kate? C'mon, I'm dying to see you!"

Kate stood in front of the mirror tugging down on the hem of the tight, petite dress that barley covered her bottom.

"okay, I guess I'm ready."

Jade flung open the door, and her eyes widened as she saw Kate.

"You look hot as!"

Kate turned to face her, Jade handed her a drink.

"I dunno…"

"Kate, you have a banging body, don't hide it…"

Kate attempted to take a few steps in the stiletto heels, she wobbled like a baby giraffe taking it's first steps.

"I feel like a different person..."

"That's the point! Look, I have fun Kate, I'm not a relationship person and well if you hear me calling myself Layla tonight well, just go along with it..."

Kate scrunched up her face not understanding her reasoning.

"So you lie to them? What if you meet someone great?"

Jade chuckled slightly.

"Well, if they're amazing then they'll understand why I do this... so..."

Jade walked over to her suit case and brought out a large box, she opened it and pulled out a long, wavy brown wig and placed it on Kate's head.

"Now you can be a completely different person, you don't have to be "Straight Kate" who works for the government tonight…"

Kate positioned herself in front of the mirror and looked herself up and down nodding with approval. Jade walked up and stood beside her and smiled.

"So, I'm Layla, nice to meet you…"

Kate flicked the long strands of hair behind her shoulder and a devious smirk came across her face.

"Hi, I'm Brooke..."

End of Chapter 7

Please review! xx


	8. Chapter 8

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 8

Present.

Kate's eyes fluttered open, the banging in her head was insufferable, she opened one eye and realised that the banging was made worse by someone banging on her door. She heard a female voice called out.

"Brooke?"

She paused for a minute and frowned, Brooke? She rubbed her hands over her face trying to focus. The voice kept calling out for Brooke and after a few seconds she realised that it was Jade. She jumped out of bed and raced to the door, as she flung open the door all the blood rushed from her head, she steadied herself against the door frame as Jade poked her head in.

"Hey, I was just checking that you were okay, you were out of control last night..."

She peered further into the room looking for a companion, Kate moved her body and tried to block her view. She playfully hit Kate on the arm and pushed past her scouring the room looking for any sighs of a man, her eyes lit up as she spotted a pair of men's shoes on the floor and glanced back at Kate with a mischievous grin. Jade looked back over to the bedroom door and then back at Kate, they raced for the door at the same time, Jade got there just before her and caught a glimpse of the hansom naked man on her bed just before Kate managed to slam the door shut. Jade's eyes widened and she let out a shriek of exhilaration, Kate covered her mouth with her hand.

"Shhh!"

Jade ripped Kate's hand away from her mouth unable to contain her astonishment.

"Umm, I will not! Yum! What's his name?"

Kate cringed and focused on the floor.

"I don't know..."

Jade let out a laugh and playfully pushed aside and opened the bedroom door to take another look at the man in her bed, she nodded with approval.

"You go girl! So, we on again tonight?"

"Ah, I dunno, I mean this was fun but..."

Jade shrugged and headed for the door.

"Your loss, but hey, maybe you want to stay in tonight with your toy boy..."

She gave her a wink and left, Kate stood there dumbfounded at her own actions. She was startled as the strong pair of hands wrapped around her waist, he leaned in and whispered in her ear.

"You coming back to bed?"

She turned and smiled as she admired his chiseled body.

"Yeah, just give me a sec..."

She watched him walk back to the bedroom and contemplated her options, this was definitely not her but she felt good, she was in control, something she hadn't felt for a while. She walked over to the coffee table and picked up the bottle of vodka and took a large swing, swinging the bottle in her hand she walked back into the bedroom and shut the door.

The gorgeous specimen of a man was sitting up in the bed, a sheet covering him from the waist down. Kate stood at the door absorbing the scene in front of her, she swallowed hard not quite believing what she had done in the past 24 hours. She took another swig from the bottle causing the man to look up and frown slightly.

"Bit early isn't it?"

Kate glanced at the clock, it was 11am. She smiled and walked over to him, she straddled him and kissed him, tugging at his lip ever so slightly.

"It's 5pm somewhere."

She lifted the bottle and poured vodka over his chest and seductively ran her tongue down his chest licking it off, she glanced up at him and raised and eyebrow and smirked.

"Happy hour?"

His hand reached out caressing her face bringing it up to meet his, he kissed her passionately and covered them with the sheet.

It was late afternoon when Kate awoke, she groaned as rolled onto her side. The sheet crunched as she spread out her arm feeling for her 'toy boy', she opened one eye and spotted a note.

"Brooke,

I had a great time, couldn't bear to wake you. Sorry to leave you like this, work drama. Call me when you're in town next.

0412769135

Jake xo"

She sat up and scoffed as scrunched up the paper and flung it off the bed and rolled back over. What was she doing? This was supposed to be a relaxing couple of days before she headed back out to sea not some crazy, alcohol fulled, sex weekend. This was not her, but she hoped that it would curb some strange desire to not be the person she currently was, not to have have the struggles and pain that she had.

The next morning Kate drove back to Cairns, she sighed as she pulled into her driveway and turned off the car engine. Coming back to her normal life felt so depressing, she resisted the urge to pull straight back out and drive back to her fantasy life.

Her phone beeped as she was unloading her luggage from the car, she dumped it next to the couch and fished her phone from her pocket. It was a message from Dr. Cowan's office confirming her appointment for that afternoon, she rolled her eyes and threw her phone on to the couch. She was about to walk away but it beeped again, she hesitated before picking it up. She slowly leaned down and picked it up, it was a message from Maxine.

"Come see me after your appointment..."

She cringed realising that Maxine knew about her appointments, she thought she had done enough to get everyone off her back, she knew that she just needed to convince Dr. Cowan that she was a new woman. She took a deep breath in and dialled Dr. Cowan's office.

Walking into the office she put on her usual smile, Dr. Cowan greeted her and ushered her into the room. Kate started to panic, she hadn't really thought about what she was going to say.

"So Kate, how have you been?"

"Ah, fine…"

Dr. Cowan looked up from her note pad, Kate knew that that word was technically bad words to use, she cleared her throat.

"Ah, I mean, great, really good! I had a little break, it was umm, relaxing. It made me realise that I need to do it more, perhaps make some friends outside the navy so that my life isn't consumed by work, there's more to life right?"

Dr. Cowan looked up and smiled at Kate's revelation.

"That's great Kate, I feel like you've come long way since we started.

"Thanks to you…"

"Okay, so work..."

Kate attention was immediately refocused.

"Yeah?"

"I believe Maxine wants to talk to you this afternoon?!"

A genuine smile came across Kate's face.

"You're clearing me?!"

Dr. Cowan tried not to give anything away.

"Just talk to your Commander."

She stood from her chair and shook Kate's hand.

"Just Remember Kate, this isn't a quick fix. You will need to continue these sessions."

"Yes, I promise!"

Kate almost skipped into NAVCOM and waited patiently outside of Maxine's office. She stood as she heard the door open.

"Kate, good to see you."

Kate gave her a slight nod and she entered her office, she sat at Maxine's desk Maxine sat down and smiled.

"So, I heard you had a little break..."

Kate cursed Mike for a second, was nothing sacred?

"Ah, yeah, it was good. Good to get away, have a breather..."

"That's good. Well, in the meantime I have spoken to Dr. Cowan and she is clearing you..."

Kate nearly leapt off her seat with joy.

"Kate, if there are any issues then you need to talk to me, and her. Got it?"

Kate nodded trying to contain her joy.

"Thank you Ma'am, you have no idea how much I feel this will help!"

"I know Kate, but you have to left me know if you have any issues!"

"I promise!"

"The Hammersley is sailing the day after tomorrow, I'm tasking you close for now, okay?"

"Thanks Ma'am…"

Kate walked out of NACOM and headed to the docks, she walked along the water breathing in the sea air. She walked over to the Hammersley and walked up the gangway, saluting Thor at the top. She was about to step on deck but her heart started race and her breathing became shallow, she closed her eyes and gripped the hand rails trying to control her breathing. Her concentration was interrupted by someone calling her name. She opened her eyes and put a smile on her face while turning to see who was calling out for her, it was 2Dads. He ran up the gangway and stood next to her.

"You're back?"

She nodded hoping he wasn't going to notice her distressed state, 2Dads thew his arms around her and gave her a squeeze, he stood back from her and smiled.

"Sorry, couldn't help it!"

He stepped on the to deck and pulled on her arm.

"C'mon, come get yourself reacquainted with the old girl…"

Kate resisted and shook her head.

"Ah, I already had a quick look around, I'd better go and get myself ready, Maxine says we sail the day after tomorrow?"

2Dads was puzzled, he wasn't sure why she was reluctant.

"Yeah, okay. Hey, celebratory drinks at the pub?"

"We'll see, I'm pretty tired after my little break. I'll talk to you later!"

Kate ran off before 2Dads could ask her any more questions.

2 Days later Kate stood on the deck of the Hammersley greeting her new crew, she shook their hands as they introduced themselves. Indy sheepishly walked up the gangway and saluted Kate.

"Ma'am, hi, I umm, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for..."

Kate put her hand up stopping her.

"It's okay, just pretend it didn't happen."

Indy smiled and nodded.

"Thanks, Ma'am and just for the record, I can't wait to serve with you!"

She put a hand on her shoulder.

"Call me Boss..."

She nodded enthusiastically.

"Yes, Boss!"

Everyone had boarded except for 2Dads, Kate paced up and down the deck waiting for him, she was frustrated he was late but also she had to giggle, it was just like old times. She stopped pacing for a moment realising where was standing, it was the spot where Jim at proposed. She couldn't control her body or emotions, she felt her legs start to give way, she leaned on the wall for support afraid someone would see her. 2Dads jogged along the docks and up the gangway, he assumed that Kate would be waiting for him, waiting to give him a lecture about tardiness but instead he found her crumpled against the wall clutching her chest. He ran to her side and attempted to help her up.

"Kate, I mean Boss, are you okay?"

2Dads waited for her to respond, but she just stood there with her eyes closed.

"Boss?"

Kate placed her hand on her chest willing her breathing to regulate.

"Just first day nerves..."

2Dads wanted to believe her but deep down he knew it was something more than nerves, but also knew that she needed this, that she needed a distraction. He made a mental note and smiled trying not to make a big deal of it.

"C'mon, let's show these newbie's how it's done!"

Kate stood on the bridge of the Hammersley trying to get it together, she slowly lowered herself into the Captain's chair.

"Okay, let do this… Captain has the ship."

2Dads stood proudly behind her and paced his hand on her shoulder.

"Captain has the ship…"

The Hammersley had been tasked to patrol the northern EEZ for FFV's, the day had been very quiet, not a FFV in sight.

Kate made her way on to the upper deck and leaned on the railing and took a deep breath in. 2Dads approached and leaned next to her.

"Good to be back out here?"

She nodded as she took in a whiff of the sea air.

"Yeah..."

2Dads glanced over at her wondering if he should ask the question that was busting to come out.

"Kate, what happened before we sailed?"

She looked around to see if they were alone.

"Nothing 2Dads, I'm fine. Like I said, it was just nerves, too much coffee and not enough food."

He squeezed her arm trying to encourage her.

"You know I'm here if you need to talk."

She gave him a nod and walked away, she walked down to the galley to get herself coffee, as she walked past the senior sailors mess she heard a crew member mention Jim's name. She stepped back out of their view to listen, she heard Brad, her XO continue the conversation.

"I just hope she's okay, it must be pretty hard to come back after all of that, little own be on the same ship..."

She let out a small huff, she hated the sympathy but at least they weren't judging her. She heard another voice interrupt.

"Yeah, but wasn't this her fault, I mean she left him out there..."

Her heart stopped, the old Kate would have stormed in there and given him a serve but the words were lost on her, she ran to her cabin and slammed the door.

She lay on her rack, tears streaming from her face, she knew that it was just stupid talk, the important people knew the truth. She bolted upright as she heard an announcement over the PA.

"CO to the bridge..."

She wiped the tears from her cheeks and checked herself in the mirror, damn it, it was obvious that she had been crying. She splashed some water on her face and took a few deep breaths in.

She made her way up to the bridge trying to act composed.

"What is it?"

2Dads lifted the lid on a white box and revealed a navy ship shaped cake with 'Welcome Home" written on it.

Kate looked around at her new crew and forced a smile, she appreciated the gesture but she definitely didn't feel like she was 'home'.

The rest of the day was uneventful, Kate spent most of the day in her cabin trying to distract herself with paperwork. Her return didn't feel like she thought it would, she thought that is would make her feel centered, 'normal'. She was hoping that she could just get back to work and everything would feel like it used to, thus proving the counsellor wrong, that she could handle it without help. But she felt nothing, apart from the incident that she had on deck.

They arrived back at port on schedule, she was the last to depart from the boat. 2Dads had waited around of her on the docks.

"So, how'd it feel?"

She forced a smile.

"Yeah, good...

"Just good?"

"Yeah, I don't know how I expected it to feel. But it's not the same, not without everyone..."

"Yeah, but you'll get used to the new guys, they're great once you get to know them..."

She gave him a weary nod.

"Well, it's been a long day...I'll see you later..."

"You don't wanna come to the pub for a drink?"

She shook her head.

"Maybe another time..."

Kate arrived home and dumped her bag on the floor, he had been itching for a drink all day, she opened the cupboard and rummaged around, she didn't have anything to drink, she let out a huff and picked up her keys.

She cruised the aisles of the local liquor store, she picked up a couple of bottles of vodka and headed to the check out. She was exhausted and didn't realise that Mike was standing in front of her.

"Kate?"

"Oh, Mike, hi..."

Mike glanced at her arm full of vodka, Kate laughed nervously.

"I'm umm having a couple of the crew around for a couple of drinks..."

"Oh that's good, so you had a good day out there?"

She nodded.

"Yeah, just like old times hey..."

There was an awkward pause

"Well, have a good night..."

Kate sat on the couch with a large glass filled with ice, she poured the vodka nearly filling the glass to the brim. She lifted the glass and closed her eyes.

"To coming home…"

Tears trickled down her cheeks as she sculled the glass, she slammed it back on the table and filled it again. She took a sip and curled herself in the fetal position on the couch and started to sob.

Kate awoke to the sound of her phone ringing, she barely opened her eyes and reached out to the coffee table.

"Kate McGregor..."

"Kate, it's Mike, sorry to do this but you've been crash sailed..."

"Okay..."

She hung up the phone opened her eyes and attempted to stand, she stumbled and fell back on to the couch. She slouched over her knees and put her head in her hands, this was all she needed. She glanced at the empty bottle of vodka on her coffee table and shook her head.

Coffee in hand Kate boarded the Hammersley and headed straight to her cabin. A few minutes later 2Dads knock on her door, there was no answer. He opened the door slightly and poked his head in.

"Boss?"

He heard strange noises coming from her bathroom, he hesitated before stepping into her cabin and called out again.

"Boss?"

No response, he cautiously stepped into her cabin and tapped on the bathroom door and stepped back as he heard the toilet flush, Kate exited the bathroom looking pale and sweaty.

"Ah Boss, are you okay?"

Kate wiped her face with a towel and sat back on her rack.

"Ah, I think I ate some dodgy chicken last night..."

2Dads would have believed her if it wasn't for the smell of alcohol seeping from her pores, he, more than anyone else, knew what a hangover looked like and smelt like. He didn't want to make it awkward by calling her out in a lie, so he played along.

"Ma'am, should you be sailing if you're not well? Do you want me to call Commander White?"

Kate waved her hand in the air dismissing his comment.

"No, I'll be fine, can you just get the X to take her out, I'll go see the Swain and get some fluids into me and I'll be fine..."

"Okay, ah, I'll get him for you.."

"Nah, it's okay I'm just going to freshen up first..."

2Dads nodded and headed for the door, Kate called out after him.

"2Dads..."

He turned and his eyes met hers, all he could see was a mix of fear and embarrassment. She broke eye contact and cleared her throat.

"I, umm, I, appreciate your help..."

He gave her a slight nod and left. He stood in the corridor trying to get Kate's desperate expression out of his head, he knew that ignoring her issues wasn't really helping but he couldn't be the one responsible for having her taken off the ship. He decided that he would keep a close eye on her and hope that eventually she would settle back into routine and things would be back to normal.

End of Chapter 8.

Please don't forget to review, and thanks to those who already have! It's great to see new people getting into Sea Patrol writing and reviewing! xx


	9. Chapter 9

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 9

Later that afternoon Kate had worked up the courage to come out of her cabin, she made her way up to the bridge and glanced at her XO.

"Much happening?"

He shook his head and handed her the binoculars, she wrapped the strap around her neck and lifted them to her eyes. Turning the lenses, she focused them on a vessel that was only a few hundred metres away. She squinted as the picture steadied and her eyes studied the hull, it was so familiar. Her heart skipped a beat as her mind flashed with images of the vessel that held the dirty bomb, she lowered the binoculars and shook her head trying to erase the image. She raised the binoculars once again but before she could stabilise the image the vessel exploded in a giant fireball, she let out an ear piercing scream and clenched the binoculars against her heaving chest. All she could hear was the sound of her heartbeat, she blinked a few times as tears streamed down her cheeks. She looked around at the rest of the crew on the bridge, she didn't understand why their eyes were fixated on her and not on the fire engulfed vessel.

She heard the echo of her name being called but she couldn't focus on where it was coming from. She jumped as she felt a hand on her shoulder, she turned her head slightly, it was 2Dads.

"Ma'am?'

She didn't respond, she turned back and looked out over the water, she squinted confused, the cruiser was still afloat. 2Dads tightened his grip a little and tried again.

"Ma'am? Are you okay?"

She looked around the bridge expecting to see Dutchy and the rest of her crew, but the faces staring back at her weren't familiar, they weren't _her_ Hammersley Crew. She swallowed hard as she realised that what she had seen wasn't real, it was a flashback, a terrible memory.

She tossed the binoculars in the XO's direction and ran down the stairs mortified, 2Dads didn't hesitate and chased after her.

Kate ran into her cabin and slammed the door, she fell into her rack and closed her eyes trying to calm herself. She concentrated on her breathing, in through the nose, out through the mouth, afraid she would hyperventilate. Her mind raced, she was so angry at herself, she couldn't understand why she couldn't control what appeared in her mind. She let out an aggravated scream, why did it have to happen in front of the crew, they were already unsure of her. Even if she tried to explain they wouldn't understand, they had no idea how it felt, they were strangers. She was afraid that they would lose all respect for her, or worse, think she was crazy.

She knew it was going to be different without her old crew but she didn't realise how different. The Hammersley no longer felt like home, it wasn't her refuge any longer. In some ways she hated the Hammersley for making her feel so comfortable, before she was posted it was just another stepping stone to becoming Chief of Navy, but now that dream was gone, replaced with friendships and the feeling of family.

She leaned her head against the cabin wall and sighed. She jumped as there was a knock on her cabin door, she wiped the tears from her cheek and sat up.

"Come in..."

2Dads poked his head in the door making sure it was safe for him to come in, he looked around expecting her to be tidying or working at the desk trying to distract herself from what had just happened, but instead he saw her sitting on her rack looking lost and defeated. He looked over his shoulder to see if any of the crew were nearby, there was no one, he entered her cabin and shut the door. He didn't like to push her on board but this was serious. He pulled out her office chair and sat in front of her, he lowered his voice and caught her eye.

"Kate?"

She knew there was something wrong when he called her Kate, she wouldn't normally accept it on board, but she was too out of sorts to scold him for it. She rolled off her rack and straightened her uniform trying to look more put together, she started to fiddle with some things around the cabin glancing at him periodically. Looking at him in the eye wasn't an option, she was scared that he would see the fear and heartbreak. He watched has as she paced around the cabin, he cleared his throat trying to strike up the courage to confront her.

"Kate, what happened on the bridge?"

She didn't want to talk about it, she sat back on her rack, still not making eye contact and tried to change the subject.

"How long till we reach base?"

2Dads knew he needed to get through to her, he knew she wasn't okay and he couldn't hide it any longer.

"Ma'am, the crew are starting to talk. Don't you think it's better that you admit there's something going on rather than someone say something to Maxine because they don't trust their Commander."

Kate spun around to face him, she thought that there would be gossip, but she didn't think that they wouldn't trust her, she was humiliated.

"They don't trust me?"

2Dads shuffled his feet on the floor bringing his chair closer to her, he took a deep breath in, he didn't want to upset her further, but he didn't want to see her career unravel because she was too stubborn to ask for help.

"They understand why you're..."

He couldn't think of a good way to say 'freaking out'. Kate reached out at put a hand on his knee indicating she knew what he meant. She loved that he cared enough to talk to her, she didn't want to lie to or to let him down but there was no way he could understand.

"It's okay 2Dads, I know what you mean and you're right, I'll go and speak to Maxine when we dock."

2Dads smiled hoping that she realised how much he was just trying to help but he was also concerned about how easy it was to convince her to speak to Maxine.

"I think its best, even though it will suck without you..."

Kate let out a half-hearted laugh, there was the 2Dads she knew. She always thought of him as a 'punk kid', saying things like 'this sucks' and 'chill out'. Who knew that he would eventually become her favourite?

"Can I ask you something, 2Dads?"

He laughed trying to lighten the mood.

"Sorry Ma'am, I can't be your toy boy..."

She scoffed and whacked him on the leg.

"I'm being serious...umm, why did you stay?"

He broke eye contact as his cheeks turned a light shake of pink.

"Hammersley is home, it's all I've ever known."

"But most of the crew have left..."

He leaned in closer to her and gave her a friendly nudge with his shoulder.

"Yeah, but you're still here, someone's gotta have your back, can't break a promise..."

She frowned not understanding.

"Promise?"

2Dads shifted in his seat knowing he had let the secret slip.

"Ah, yeah, I promised Dutchy..."

Kate tilted her head still confused.

"Dutchy?"

2Dads went to make a quick exit, Kate grabbed his arm in time and pulled him back down. He held his hands up in surrender and sat back in the chair.

"Okay, okay, he told me when he left that I needed to be your back up now."

Kate scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"That's ridiculous! You can't tell me you stayed because of a drunken promise!"

"Hey, I wasn't drunk, okay, maybe 4 beers, and no, I stayed because I like working with you, I trust you and you're a fair Commander."

She smiled and patted his hand.

"Thanks, 2Dads!"

He changed the subject to try and cheer her up.

"Hey! We should arrange an original crew catch up. I'm still Facebook friends with everyone, well, everyone but you cos you don't like social media..."

"I'm sorry if I don't want everyone to know everything about me!"

He laughed at her ignorance to social media.

"You chose what you put on there, silly! Why don't we have a drink tonight and make you a profile..."

She stopped and thought about it for a minute, maybe this was the way to get him off her back.

"Maybe..."

He smiled thinking he was getting through to her and stood from the chair.

"I accept payment in alcohol, spirits are preferred but beer is acceptable..."

She rolled her eyes again.

"Yeah, yeah, just get back to work, we have a ship to bring in first."

He stood up and squeezed her shoulder.

"I can get the X to bring her in if you like?"

"Thanks…"

2Dads left the cabin. Kate sat there thinking about the consequences of her conversation with 2Dads, she had promised him that she would talk to Maxine which meant that it would probably end her sea posting. She frowned at herself, it didn't actually bother her to leave the Hammersley but it would mean that she needed to admit that she wasn't coping, and she wasn't okay with that. She dropped her head into her hands not wanting to think about it.

A few hours later the Hammersley had docked and Kate had figured out what she was going to say to Maxine, she was going to ask for a shore posting using the reason of that it was time, and if she wanted to progress this was the next step. She walked down the gangway and stopped on the dock as 2Dads called out to her, he ran up to her and stood close.

"Are you going to speak to the Boss?"

Kate hesitated, 2Dads was worried that she was going to back out.

"Kate…"

She exhaled sharply and met his concerned gaze.

"I'm going to talk to her now…"

He gave her an encouraging smile.

"Good! So, drink at the pub and a social media lesson after?"

Kate hesitated once again, 2Dads gave her a friendly nudge.

"C'mon!"

"Okay, I'll meet you there in an hour!"

He grinned excited that she was going to come out and socialise.

"It's a date!"

Kate knocked on Maxine's door and heard her call out to come in.

She opened the door and saw Maxine and Mike sitting on one side of the desk. They both looked up and smiled, she knew that they were trying to be supportive but more than anything their large grins made her stomach flip, she didn't have a good feeling about this. She sat down nervously in front of them, Maxine leaned forward on her desk still smiling.

"How'd it feel being back out there?"

Kate wanted to tell them the truth but there was a voice inside he head telling her not to, she glanced at Mike wondering why he was there.

"Ah fine, Ma'am..."

Maxine raised an eyebrow questioning her answer.

"Just fine?"

Kate frowned, this is exactly why she felt she couldn't be truthful, she always felt like she was being judged and cross examined.

"Ma'am?"

Maxine let out a laugh trying to make it seem not so serious.

"Kate, relax! I just want to know how you are, it's been a difficult couple of months and we just want to make sure you're okay."

Kate looked towards Mike questioningly.

"We?"

He smiled and nodded.

"Yeah..."

Kate sat there in silence, she watched as Mike and Maxine glanced at each other, obviously concerned at her lack of enthusiasm. Maxine cleared her throat.

"Ah, well we're just making sure that you're happy out there that's all, we just want you to be honest..."

Kate laughed, Mike and Maxine were taken a back by her reaction. Kate stood up and paced around the office, she was getting worked up and she couldn't keep it in.

"Honest, you want me to be honest? Okay, how do you honestly think I feel? I lost the man I love, then I lost my position, then lost my CO, then my crew and now I feel like I'm been treated like I can't do my job."

She sat back down and put her head in her hands knowing that they were going to be more troubled by the scene she had just caused. Mike got up and sat next to her hoping it would calm her.

"Maybe you should book another visit with Dr. Cowan?"

She didn't respond, Mike looked up at Maxine for help, they needed to break some news and they weren't sure that it was going to be received well.

"Kate, we need to talk to you about something…"

Kate knew she had blown it, she wasn't going to have to admit that she wasn't coping, she had just proven it to them. She glanced up at them waiting for them to try and convince her that she should take a shore posting.

Mike reached out to touch her hand, she flinched a little not expecting his touch.

"Umm, the trial, Madeleine's trial…"

Kate felt all the bloody rush from her head, a ave of nausea over came her, it was the last thing that she was expecting them to raise. She stammered her words hoping she wasn't going to pass out.

"Wha, what about it?"

Maxine stood from the desk and started to pace taking over from Mike.

"It begins in a week, they need the Hammersley crew, well, the old crew to be available to go over statements and time lines, they may need you and others to give evidence."

Kate didn't know how to respond, Maxine could see she was lost for words so she continued.

"We're putting Hammersley on extended leave, we don't have any spare crew at the moment and we're not really comfortable sending them out with yet another captain, they've had enough unrest in the past few months. We just wanted you to be the first to know."

Kate nodded not saying a word, Mike squeezed her hand.

"At least we'll get to see some old friends, hey?"

She looked up at him and smiled, she realised they were still holding hands and pulled her hand away.

"Yeah, thanks... Ah, I've gotta go..."

Mike smiled and tried to lighten the mood.

"Hot date?"

She scoffed as she headed to the door.

"Yeah sure, nah, 2Dads is making me a Facebook account, gotta make sure he doesn't put any pics of me up from our last dress up night..."

"Well, wile everyone's here we should arrange a Hammersley catch up…"

She nodded and left, Maxine got up and sat next to Mike.

"Do you think she'll be okay?"

Mike shook his head.

"I don't know, but I think we'd better keep an eye on her."

Kate swung open her front door and threw her bag on the couch and paced around the kitchen, she didn't know how to feel about the situation. Feelings of anger, resentment, terror and sadness welled in her mind, it was all too much, she needed it to stop. She walked into the kitchen and opened her cupboard and grabbed the bottle of vodka off the shelf, opening it she took a swig and cringed, she then proceeded to pour herself a glass. She closed her eyes waiting for it to take it's effect and was startled by a knock at the door.

She suddenly remembered the meeting with 2Dads, she knew that he'd come after her if she didn't show.

She placed the opened bottle of vodka back in the cupboard hiding it from him and ran to the door trying to tidy herself, she put on a smile and swung open the door.

"Sorry 2Dads, I..."

She stopped mid-sentence, it wasn't 2Dads.

"Dutchy?"

He stepped forward with a grin on his face and gave her a bear hug while she stood there in shock.

"Miss me?"

She was speechless at his presence.

"Dutchy, what are you doing here?"

"I'm back for…"

He trailed off not sure if she knew, she could tell by his expression that he didn't want to mention her name.

"It's okay Dutchy..."

"So you know?"

She nodded.

"But it's not for a week or so?"

"Yeah, got here early, thought we could spend sometime together, hang out like old times…"

Kate frowned, it sounded suspicious.

"Right…"

Dutchy was confused about her hesitation.

"Well, you gonna invite me in?!"

She stepped aside and he walked around her living room and into her kitchen.

"Man, I forgot how hot it was up here!"

He walked into her kitchen and opened the cupboard to get a glass, he frowned as he saw the vodka bottle with no lid in on the shelf, he took it out and turned to face her.

"Ah, vodka doesn't need to breathe, Kate..."

She quickly walked over and snatched the bottle from him.

"Ah, must have just forgot..."

She grabbed the lid and fumbled it back on the bottle, Dutchy walked into the lounge room and sat on the couch. She grabbed a glass and poured him some water from the fridge and grabbed her glass of vodka. She walked into the lounge room and sat opposite him in the armchair, Dutchy smiled his goofy grin.

"So, how you been?"

Kate nodded not wanting to give anything away, Dutchy leaned forward hunched over his knees.

"That good?"

Kate shrugged trying to keep it contained.

"I'm fine.."

Dutchy raised an eyebrow not believing her, Kate shifted in her chair, she could feel his eyes on her, like they were seeing through to her soul.

"Fine?"

She nodded again.

"Yeah, soldier on, right?"

"No, not at all Kate... you were the one who told me that you need to deal with your demons..."

Kate took a large mouthful from her glass as her eyes darted around the room avoiding Dutchy's at any cost, he watched as she cringed slightly while swallowing her mouthful.

"Yeah, well sometimes it's not that easy..."

He got up from the couch and perched himself on the arm chair.

"Kate, I know exactly what you are going through..."

She wasn't in the mood for more pity.

"Really?"

Dutchy leaned towards her.

"Yes Kate, seriously."

She stood up from the chair not wanting to discuss it.

"What are you doing here anyway?"

"I told you…"

"No, here, in my house."

He let out a half-hearted laugh, she leaned down and picked up her glass and took another mouthful.

"Kate, we're friends…"

She slammed the glass back on the table.

"Seriously? Friends?"

"Yes, Kate,we were best friends, you're the one who shut everyone out, we were transferred, I couldn't stop that. You're the one that didn't reply to my messages."

Kate walked into the kitchen and grabbed some ice from the freezer, Dutchy took the opportunity to pick up her glass and sniff it, he winced as the vapours burnt his nostrils. She re-entered the room and plonked the ice into her glass. There was an awkward silence.

"Well, as you can see, I'm fine, Dutchy, so you can go..."

Dutchy glanced at Kate and then her glass, she picked it up and swallowed the rest almost like she was getting rid of the evidence. She felt cornered so she did what she did best, pushed people away.

"Don't come here and act as if you know me! You're the last person who can judge me! I don't need you to fix me! It's none of your business!"

Dutchy couldn't believe how she was acting, actually, he could, because it was exactly like her thinking she could deal with things on her own. But this was different, someone she had loved had died. He stood his ground getting agitated at her attitude.

"Kate, do you know how many things are wrong with that sentence? I do know you, I am not judging you, and you don't need fixing, you need help and I'm making it my business. Don't be like this."

She spud round and placed her hands on her hips.

"Like what?"

He let out a frustrated growl and threw his hands in to the air.

"Like, like you! It's okay not to be okay!"

She wasn't going to listen to anymore, she walked to the door and swung it open.

"I'll see you round, Dutchy..."

He was about to say more but stopped himself, sighed and shook his head and left.

End of Chapter 9.

Xx


	10. Chapter 10

Hey everyone!

Ugh, this on has been kicking my ass! I'm not completely happy with this but if i don't post it now it may never see the light of day and I know that people wouldn't be happy lol!

Can I just say, how good is it that there's more and more stories coming out right now? new and old writers! Well done guys, you're doing a great job from distracting me from real life! And thanks to everyone who's left reviews for this! It keeps me going!

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 10

Dutchy walked into the local hoping that he could catch some of the current Hammersley crew, he smiled as he saw 2Dads sitting in the corner. 2Dads spotted him from across the room and stood and waved him over.

"Dutchy!"

They gave each other a hug and Dutchy gave him a friendly slap on the back.

"Mini me! I've missed you following me around like a bad smell!"

Dutchy waved down a waiter and ordered them some beers.

"How are you, mate?"

"Good, good, what have you been up to?"

"Oh, you know how it is, out at sea…"

2Dads nodded with agreement and laughed.

"Yeah, a different woman in every port…"

Dutchy rolled his eyes, he loved that 2Dads hadn't changed.

"Sure, sure… so, how's the crew?"

2Dads nodded wondering if he meant Kate, he desperately wanted to talk to him about her but wondered how much he should divulge.

"Good…"

Dutchy titled his head slightly, he could tell something was up.

"Good?"

2Dads shrugged and took a sharp breath in.

"Well, it's not the same, don't get me wrong, the new guys are cool but, it's not the same…"

"Yeah, I know…"

Dutchy took the beers from the waiter and handed one to 2Dads and took a sip of his.

"Umm, so, I went and saw Kate…"

2Dads sighed it relief, he wasn't going to have to bring it up. He hoped that Dutchy noticed her strange behaviour, he took a large gulp of his beer and raised an eyebrow and swallowed his mouthful and played dumb.

"How was she?"

Dutchy wasn't sure if that was 2Dads admitting that he hadn't seen her lately or if he was questioning him on his opinion as he had also noticed that she was different. He picked up the coaster in front of him and started to rip it into pieces trying to think of a way to put it delicately.

"Umm, not herself."

2Dads glanced up at Dutchy, the mood of the conversation suddenly turned, 2Dads couldn't stop himself and let it all out.

"All I know is that she's been seeing a shrink and she's been cleared. She won't really talk to me but I'm worried, Dutchy. There's been a few warning signs, she came out one night and meet the crew and one of the newbie's, Indy, mentioned Jim not knowing they were together and she just ran out the pub."

Dutchy shook his head, he knew that this would be an issue for her, he saw the warning signs when she refused to answer his calls and messages in the past.

"What else?"

"Umm, we were out the other day and she seemed fine but today, I don't know what happened, she completely lost it. We were watching a vessel and then she screamed and ran off, I don't know if she's having flash backs or what but it was bad…"

Dutchy winced at 2Dads words, he didn't realise that it was that bad. She was such a smart woman, why couldn't she see that asking for help was not a sign of weakness. Dutchy watched as 2Dads shifted in his seat, he knew there was more and he suspected he knew what it was.

"There's something else isn't there?"

2Dads nodded not making eye contact.

"She's umm, now, I don't wanna accuse her of anything or…"

"Spit it out, 2Dads…"

"She's drinking… more than normal…"

Dutchy cringed, he had hoped that it wasn't going to be the issue.

"Yeah, I noticed it today, I think she was trying to pass it off as water…"

2Dads felt terrible, he felt like he was dobbing, she was so vulnerable right now but he was at a loss for what to do.

"I'm not saying she's an alcoholic or anything, but I think she's using it as a bandaid. She's getting help and she told me she was going to see Maxine today to ask to go back on shore. She was supposed to meet me here after but maybe it didn't go so well?"

"Ah, yeah probably not, they would have had to tell her we've all gotta be on call for the trial…"

2Dads eyes widened.

"What? For Madel…"

Dutchy nodded, he didn't want to hear her name.

"Yeah, umm, it starts in a week, I think they informed me first cos I was the furthest away…"

2Dads phone beeped, he glanced down and saw NAVCOM's number .

"Meeting at NACOM, 0900, attendance compulsory for Hammersley Crew."

"Speak of the devil, meeting tomorrow. Maybe we should go check on her?"

"Nah, I think I've pissed her off enough tonight, we'll see her tomorrow anyway…"

The next morning Dutchy headed to Kate's house to offer her a ride to NAVCOM, it was a cover, he wanted to talk to her about her mental state. He knocked on the door and called out her name.

"Kate, it's Dutchy…"

He waited for a minute then knocked again.

"C'mon, you're gonna be late for your meeting, I know how much you hate to be late…"

He walked over to the window and peered in, there were no lights on. He walked around to her side gate and peered over the fence and called out again.

"Kate!?"

He knew she was stubborn, he hurdled over the fence and walked around to the back door and knocked. He waited for a few more minutes before trying the door knob, it was locked. He thought about breaking down the door but then she really wouldn't talk to him. He heard a twig snap behind him, he spun round and was faced with 2 police officers aiming their guns at him.

"Police, don't move…"

Dutchy immediately raised his hands.

"Woah, hang on guys, it's not what it looks like…"

One of the officers lowered his weapon and approached Dutchy, he patted him down and restrained him.

"Sir, would you like to explain why you are at the back of a house trying to break in?"

"This is my friends house, she was supposed to attend a meeting with me today…"

"So what? That gives you licence to break into her house?"

"No, look, just call her, my phone is in my right pocket, her name is Kate McGregor."

The officer restraining him pulled his phone out of his pocket and searched for Kate's name. He held the phone up to his ear waiting for her to answer.

Kate sat in her car with the music blaring, her phone flashing caught her eye and she glanced over to the passenger's seat where it was sitting, she groaned as she saw Dutchy's name, she ignored the call.

"It's gone to voice mail, Sir. Until we can confirm your story we will have to remand you at the station."

"Oh, c'mon, is this really necessary? I've got an important meeting to attend, I'm in the Navy we're basically the same, look, I've got my tags on."

"Sorry Sir, that means nothing."

Dutchy rolled his eyes and exhaled loudly.

"Fine, can you call my Boss then? She'll confirm it, call NAVCOM and ask for Commander White."

The officer scrolled through the contacts and selected NAVCOM.

"Yes, hello this is Senior Constable Hammond, I need to speak to Commander White, yes, I understand, it's important. Can you please get her to call the Cairns police station? Thanks."

He hung up the phone.

"Sorry, mate, looks like you're coming with us."

He pulled on Dutchy's arm but he stood his ground.

"Wait, one more? Please, Mike Flynn…"

The officer was becoming impatient, Dutchy smiled.

"Hey, just trying to reduce your paperwork…"

The officer rolled his eyes and searched for Mike Flynn and pressed call.

Mike and Maxine stood in front of the Hammersley crew ready to address them, Mike frowned as his mobile rang.

"Sorry…"

He pulled it out his pocket to ignore the call but hesitated when he saw Dutchy's number, he answered it.

"Dutchy?"

"Hello, this is Senior Constable Hammond, is this Mike Flynn?"

"Ah, yes, speaking is everything okay? Is Dutchy okay?"

"Ah, we're currently out the back of a residence that he's claiming is a friend's, can you confirm that he knows a Kate McGregor?"

"Yes, they work together."

"Is there any reason that he should be snooping around her house?"

Dutchy struggled slightly.

"I told you I can explain…"

Senior Constable Hammond tightened his grip.

"Is he a threat to Ms McGregor?"

Mike almost burst out laughing at the thought.

"No! Never, well unless you call being a pain in the ass a threat…"

"Excuse me?"

"Ah no, he's not a threat, they're friends…"

"Okay, thank you…"

He hung up the phone and let Dutchy go.

"Thanks for your patience, Sir, but you may want to think twice next time before you jump a fence into someone's house."

"Yeah, I will…"

The officers left Kate's house and Dutchy headed to NAVCOM wondering where Kate had got to. Dutchy ran into NAVCOM and found the crew in one of the conference rooms. He knocked and entered, the crew smiled seeing him and chorus of "Dutchy!" rang out in the room.

"Sorry I'm late, I was looking for Kate…"

Dutchy sat down next to Charge who pat him on the back. Maxine cleared her throat to refocus the group.

"Ah, the new crew, you are now excused.

The new Hammersley crew exited the room, Dutchy, Charge, 2Dads, Bird and Mike were the only one's left. Maxine sat down trying to feel less official.

"Now, that brings me to Kate. As you all know, she's been on some leave and recently she returned to sea with the new Hammersley crew."

2Dads arms shot up in the air.

"And me!"

Maxine rolled her eyes and smirked.

"Yes, and 2Dads, no one could forget you 2Dads…"

Charge laughed and nudged him with his elbow.

"Yeah, I've tried!"

"Anyway, I think it would be good for you all to catch up, I assumed you would but we think she really needs some friends."

They crew looked at each other uneasily, Bird raised her hand.

'Yes, Bird…"

"Ma'am, we are her friends, we tried, she never replied to any of our messages. We didn't want her to feel like we were hounding her…"

Maxine looked at Mike with a "did you know about this?" look. Mike shrugged slightly and looked over to his former crew.

"Well, she won't be able to ignore us now we're all here…"

Mike took out his phone and stepped out of the room to call Kate.

Kate sat on the beach looking out over the water listening to the sound of the waves crash on the shore. She had a terrible nights sleep, one of her worst, it gave her heart palpitations just thinking about being around everyone again. Having to see their pity filled faces made her feel so weak, it wasn't their fault but she hated the way it made her feel . She felt her phone vibrate in her pocket and pulled it out, she exhaled as she saw Mike's name. She thought about not answering it, but if she didn't he'd probably freak out more. She answered it sounding as normal as possible.

"Kate McGregor…"

"Kate, it's Mike, ah, we had a meeting this morning…"

"Yeah, sorry, I umm, I had an appointment with Dr Cowan…"

She winced, she really didn't want to lie, but it just came out.

"Oh, well, that's okay then… umm, so I'm here with the crew, we're going to go to the pub later, you in?"

She hesitated, she didn't want to go, but she knew that she'd have to make an appearance eventually to keep them off her back. At least everyone would be drinking and they couldn't judge her for over indulging.

"Yeah, I'll come for a bit…"

"Great, see you at 7…"

She hung up the phone and gripped it in her hand, she wanted so badly to chuck it into the water but she knew that wasn't a good idea.

She lay back on the sand dune and closed her eyes wishing she was anywhere else, she had a lightbulb moment and bolted upright with a grin on her face and unlocked her phone.

Later that night Kate was getting ready for the night's festivities, she rummaged through her wardrobe for something to wear, she smirked as she glanced at her "Brooke" attire. She shook her head knowing it wasn't appropriate for the night, she picked out a floral maxi dress and headed to the bathroom to do her make up. She turned on the radio to drown her thoughts, she stood at the basin and stared at reflection, she looked tired, drained. She needed to perk herself up, be ready for the barrage of happy faces. She made her way downstairs and poured herself a vodka and downed the glass in one mouthful. She poured herself another and stopped herself from swallowing the lot, she put it back down and headed to the fridge. She cut up some lime and opened a bottle of soda water, she needed to take it easy tonight, no straight spirits. She was nervous about how she would be received, 2Dads and Dutchy were right, she had completely cut everyone out of her life.

Kate sat in the back of the taxi day dreaming, the driver broke her concentration clearing his throat.

"Ah, Ma'am, we're here…"

Kate fumbled with her purse and took out a $20 note.

"Ah, thanks…"

She got out the cab and stood at the doors, it felt like it was her first night in Cairns and she was going to meet the crew for the first time.

She doors opened and she took a deep breath in and strutted in, the few drinks she had earlier certainly helped her nerves. She blocked out the multiple voices in her head, "You're fine Kate, you can do this, these people are your friends…"

She spotted some of the crew sitting in the corner of the pub on the couches, she didn't know why she felt dread anytime anyone mentioned them, maybe Dr. Cowan was right, she related them to the incident. Her heart suddenly felt like it was trying to escape her chest, she headed to the bar and immediately ordered a shot. Dutchy spotted her and made his way to the bar.

"There you are… you nearly got me arrested today."

Kate was mid shot as he positioned himself next to her, she quickly swallowed her mouthful trying not to react.

"Excuse me?"

"I went round to your house and you weren't there so I went round the back…"

"You broke in?"

"No, the cops stopped me!"

Kate rolled her eyes and ordered a round of shots.

"So, where were you?"

She frowned, what was he? Her keeper?

"I was out…"

Dutchy knew she was getting irritated, but he continued to push.

"You weren't at the meeting?"

"Ah, no, I was at an appointment."

"An appointment?"

Kate wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of admitting that she was seeing a shrink, even if it was a lie. There was an awkward silence, the bartender placed the tray of shots in front of her.

"Hope they're not all for you…"

Kate pretended to laugh off the comment not sure if it was supposed to be something underhanded seeming he was the one to cut her off multiple times in the past. She smiled sweetly and lifted the tray off the bar.

"Nah, sharing with my crew tonight…"

Kate carried the tray over to the crew, their eyes lit up as they saw her approach.

"Did anyone say shots?"

The crew were a little surprised at Kate's bright demeanour. 2Dads nudged Dutchy as he sat down.

"Maybe she's glad we're all back?"

He took a sip of his drink and glance over to her as she happily handed out the shots.

"Hope so…"

Bird got up and approached Kate not sure how to act around her.

"Ma'am…"

Kate laughed at Bird's formalities.

"Kate, is fine now Bird…"

Bird smiled and threw her arms around Kate surprising her.

"I've missed you! There's only one other girl on my ship and she's so mean!"

Kate laughed and handed her a shot.

"Oh Bird, compared to you everyone is mean!"

Kate scanned the faces in front of her, they weren't all there.

"Where is everyone?"

Dutchy sat down next to her and squeezed her arm for comfort.

"Ah, RO and Bomber are still out a sea, they'll be here in a few days."

He wanted to try to start again, ignore the other day's conversation.

"So, how has it been here?"

Kate nodded and tried to concentrate on her breathing, she really needed that shot. She ignored Dutchy's question and lifted her shot glass in the air with a giant grin on her face.

"So, I propose a toast, to old friends…"

A chorus of "to old friends" rang out amongst the crew, they all took their shots and slammed the glasses on the table. Charge stood up and cleared his throat.

"I think this reunion calls for…."

He nudged Kate with his elbow and raised his eyebrows, 2Dads got up and wrapped his arm around Charge's shoulders.

"Guava Mojos!"

Mike approached the group and smiled seeing his old friends.

"Look what the ocean dragged in!"

The crew all cheered to greet Mike, Kate smiled and approached him.

"You're just in time for Guava Mojos!"

Mike was glad to see that Kate had made an effort to come out, she walked over to the bar to give Charge a hand. Dutchy took the opportunity to talk to Mike about Kate.

"Boss…"

Mike shook his hand and laughed.

"Not your boss anymore, Dutchy…"

"Old habits… so umm, how you been?"

"Yeah, good."

Mike watched as Dutchy's eyes periodically glanced over to Kate, Mike turned to observe her behaviour. Dutchy could see by the way Mike looked at her that he was concerned too.

"So, she been okay?"

Mike focused back on Dutchy unsure about talking about her.

"Ah, she had her good days and bad days…"

Dutchy was relieved, it sounded like she had been talking to Mike.

"So, she talks to you?"

Mike dropped his focus and shook his head.

"Ah, no…"

Dutchy's hope faded.

"Oh…"

2Dads walked over and put his arms on their shoulders.

"What are we gossiping about over here?"

Mike and Dutchy looked over to Kate to check she wasn't in earshot, 2Dads knew instantly who they were talking about.

"Oh, I wasn't serious but…"

They all watched as Kate joked around with Charge, they sat down at a table, 2Dads leaned in.

"She seems okay tonight, she seems, happy…"

They stopped talking and took a sip of their beers as they saw her approach, 2Dads quickly changed the subject.

"Oh, Dutchy, now that we have some time off, some of the guys are going on a bit of a boy's night, you wanna come?"

"Ah, nah, I think I'll stay here and catch up with everyone."

Kate and Charge handed out the drinks to the group, Charge raised his glass in the air and admired his handy work.

"Alright kids, hold on to you knickers cos it's Guava Mojo time!"

A couple of hours later the crew were several drinks in and were having a good time reminiscing, Kate leaned over to Dutchy.

"Did you really get arrested?"

"Well, nearly…"

Dutchy knew that Kate had had a few, and he didn't want to take advantage of that but maybe she would answer some questions truthfully.

"So, you've been okay…"

She may have had a few drinks, but she knew what he was doing, she couldn't believe that he was questioning her in public, in front of the crew. She stood from the table annoyed, she stumbled a little and headed to the bar.

Mike sat next to Dutchy and pat him on the back.

"She'll come round…"

Dutchy looked up at Mike frustrated.

"You know this is half half the problem right? Everyone thinking that she's going to snap out of it!"

Mike nodded knowing that Dutchy was right, he had no idea what to to, how to help. He sighed and glanced over to her standing at the bar.

"She lied to me today too…"

"Huh?"

"She told me she didn't attend the meeting because she had a counselling session…"

"Yeah, 2Dads sad she was seeing someone."

"Well, I checked, she didn't have an appointment and normally I wouldn't care about a little white lie but…"

"Yeah, I know…"

They both looked over to the bar where Kate was swallowing yet another shot with Charge wondering how to get her to open up.

End of Chapter 10.


	11. Chapter 11

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 11

Kate had nearly hit her limit for the night, and the drinking had momentarily made her forget about her erlier confrontation with Dutchy, she strutted over to Mike and Dutchy with a handful of shots.

"C'mon guys, you're killing the buzz over here …"

She plonked the shots on the table and held one up to Dutchy's face and grinned.

"No Kate, you're the one…"

Mike quickly took the shot from Kate's hand and shoved it into Dutchy's hand, stopping him from finishing his sentence. He grinned and kicked Dutchy under the table

"Thanks, Kate…"

Mike gave Dutchy and insistent look and they swallowed the shots, Kate smiled satisfied and downed hers. She heard her name being called and returned to the bar, Mike and Dutchy' eyes followed her like worried parents. Dutchy shoved Mike a little.

"What was that about?"

"Dutchy, there's no point talking to her here like this…"

They turned their attention back to Kate, she was laughing with Charge, 2Dads and Bird at the bar.

"Yeah, but they can't just act like nothing is wrong…"

"Dutchy, they don't know, well 2Dads does, but do you really expect him to know how to handle this?"

Dutchy knew it was a big ask for 2Dads to deal with it, he was still just a kid himself, but it was Mike who he was more disappointed in. He had loved her at one point and it was like he had given up, when he left he was sure they were going to try again.

"Well, why didn't you do more? You were here!"

Mike already felt guilty, he didn't need more pressure.

"We were giving her space, we didn't want to push her…"

Dutchy frowned.

"WE?"

Mike didn't mean to use 'we', he knew that if he was to tell him who "we" was that it may cause more problems.

"Ah, yeah Maxine and I…"

Dutchy sat there for a moment contemplating his statement, he knew from the shameful look on Mike's face that 'we' meant that they were together.

"So, you guys are a thing?"

Mike nodded and looked back to Kate not wanting to see the expression on Dutchy's face.

"Okay, but still, Mike, c'mon, you were…"

Mike couldn't help but defend himself, Kate was a big girl and their past had been turbulent, she had been the one to push everyone away.

"What did you expect me to do? Beat it out of her? You know how she is Dutchy!"

"Yeah, I do, Mike, and so do you, that's why you should have been the one to push harder! Or where you too busy with Maxine?"

Dutchy regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth, he kicked himself as he watched a shocked expression cover Mike's face, he dropped his head in remorse.

"Sorry, I just, I thought she would listen to me, I thought I could get through to her."

"Yeah, I know…"

For the rest of the night Kate avoided Dutchy and Mike's company, she wanted to have a good time with her old crew, even though they reminded her of what had happened it also reminded her of a better time in her life. Mike and Dutchy had slowed their drinking out of concern for her. It was getting late, and the bartender had called last drinks, Kate waved a $100 bill in his face.

"Okay, seeming this guy is a party pooper, a round of shots to finish the night…"

He shook his head and pushed her hand away.

"Sorry, I think you've had enough…"

Kate stood up from her bar stool and leaned over the bar.

"I know when I've had enough!"

Dutchy and Mike's attention turned to her as they heard her raised voice, they made their way to the bar to assist. Dutchy steadied her as she swayed all over the place, he grabbed her arm insistently.

"I think it's your bedtime!"

2Dads stood from the bar stool and clumsily swatted his arm away.

"Nah, she's the Captain, she can't abandon ship before the crew!"

Bird leaned over and grabbed Kate's arm pulling her towards her.

"Yeah!"

Dutchy laughed and pried both their hands from Kate's arm.

"I think it's past all of your bed times! C'mon, lets get you home, I'll take you too Kate."

Mike could see Dutchy had his arms full and finished his beer.

"Yeah, I'll give you a hand…"

2Dads stood up and sculled the rest of his beer and stood on top of the bar stool.

"Macca's run!"

Mike drove through the drive through, 2Dads stuck his head out the window.

"I wanna order!"

Bird pulled his head back in the car and stuck hers out.

"No, I wanna do it…"

Mike turned to Dutchy who was in the passenger seat.

"Is this what it's like to have kids?"

Dutchy laughed and looked back at 2Dads and Bird struggling with each other.

"Yeah, if they were drunk?"

They pulled up to the speaker box, 2Dads won the battle and yelled out the window.

"20 cheeseburgers thanks…"

Dutchy turned back to 2Dads.

"You better be payin'…"

They dropped 2Dads and Bird home with their 20 cheeseburgers and made their way to Kate's house, she was nearly passed out by the time they arrived. Mike and Dutchy wrapped her arms around their shoulders and assisted her in to her house. Dutchy went to help her up the stairs, but she had come to and slapped his hands away.

"I'm fine!"

They watched as she fumbled her way up the stairs, Dutchy went into the kitchen and poured a glass of water and headed up to her room.

Kate was lying in her bed fully clothed, Dutchy stood at the doorway watching her for a moment, he wondered how she had got herself into this self-destructive place. He placed the glass of water on her bedside table and pulled the blanket over her.

"There's a glass of water on your bedside table…"

Kate rolled over and waived her hand in the air dismissing him.

"I'm fine!"

Dutchy knew that arguing with a drunk Kate was pointless.

"Okay, well, goodnight…"

Dutchy made his way back downstairs, he was dead tired from travelling all day. Mike had already made himself comfortable on the couch and was half asleep, he sighed and tried to make himself comfortable on the armchair.

The next morning a high-pitched scream awoke them, they both bolted upright, eyes wide open, they exchanged a worried glance and ran up the stairs. They flung open her bedroom door without warning, it startled Kate and she screamed again, she looked terrible, pale and sweaty.

"What the hell?"

Mike approached the bed cautiously, he was almost afraid of how she would react.

"We heard you scream…"

"What are you doing here?"

Mike looked back to Dutchy for help, he stepped forward.

"Ah, we crashed here after dropping you home…"

"What? You felt I needed supervision?"

They knew that she would get defensive, they had to ignore her jabs if they were going to get through to her.

"Kate, we are here for you…"

Kate was about to retaliate when she felt her stomach turn, she flung back the covers and headed for the bathroom. She slammed the door shut, they knew what was happening and stood their ground, they heard her call out.

"You're dismissed!"

Dutchy and Mike looked at each other and shook their heads, they made their way downstairs, Dutchy sat on the couch with is arms crossed over his chest, Mike sat next to him.

"We're not going anywhere are we?"

Dutchy shook his head and sighed.

"Nope."

There was an awkward pause, Dutchy glanced up at Mike, he had questions, uncomfortable questions, but he needed to know all the answers so he could try to understand the way Kate was feeling.

"Mike, what happened? I thought that you guys…"

Mike exhaled frustrated, he didn't enjoy talking bout feelings at the best of times but he thought it may relieve some of his guilt.

"We just couldn't get it together, maybe there was too much behind us. But as soon as word got round they were splitting us up its like she just gave up. She hasn't been the same, and I'm not saying that she should be but, I dunno."

"And the counsellor, 2Dads said that she's been seeing a counsellor…"

"Yeah, I mean Maxine gets updates but only in a professional capacity, there's only so much she can ask without breaking confidentiality. They cleared her last week but maybe Dr Cowan was wrong. Do you really think she's capable of faking her way through this? "

"I wouldn't have thought so, but, I mean grief does funny things to people. But if she has, this is becomes a lot more complicated."

They both sat there in silence trying to comprehend the seriousness of the situation. Dutchy leaned back on the couch and ran his hand through his hair.

"And the drinking?"

Mike sighed and shook his head slightly.

"I wasn't really aware that it was an issue till a week or so ago…"

"So, how did you find out?"

"Well, I went round to her house, and she had just broken a glass, I was trying to help her clean it up and I could smell it. It was the middle of the day, I think it was vodka. After that there were a couple of strange things, she umm, she actually kissed me, it was out of the blue but she was wasted, she was just dancing around her living room in the middle of the day. Then we kinda tested her, we invited her around for dinner…"

"Do you really think that was the best idea?"

"Oh, I dunno Dutchy, we were trying to get her to talk, anything. I just don't know how it got this bad. I'm not great with handling something like this, crisis at sea no problem but this… I mean that night we had her around she kept it together, hardly finished her glass."

They heard a stair creak, both their head spun round to see a furious Kate standing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Get out…"

They both stood from the couch exchanging nervous glances, Dutchy motioned to Mike that he would handle it.

"Kate, we're trying to help you…"

"And I told you that I'm fine!"

Dutchy approached the stairs trying to reason with her, he knew that others had tried but he thought their relationship was different, she normally listened to him.

"Fine? Kate, you're drinking to excess, you're having flashbacks and nightmares, that's not normal…"

She threw her hands in the air frustrated that they wouldn't leave her alone.

"What's normal? Don't talk to me about normal! None of us are normal! Dr Cowan taught me that!"

She stormed back up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door. Mike sighed and headed for the door.

"I think I should go…"

"Mike!"

"I'm gonna go talk to Maxine, maybe she can get Dr Cowan to do a home visit or something?"

Dutchy sat back on the couch unimpressed that Mike seeming to be chickening out.

"Fine, but I'm staying here…"

A short time later Kate came stomping back down the stairs with a suitcase, she ignored their presence and headed for her car. Dutchy jumped off the couch and followed her, as she loaded her case in the car Dutchy got in the passenger seat, she got in and was startled by his presence.

"Get out…"

Dutchy sat there in silence looking straight a head ignoring her request.

"Dutchy, if you don't get out my car this minute I will call the police and tell them they should have locked you up…"

He scoffed at her threat, he brought his gaze up to meet hers. He looked deep into her eyes as if it was the window to her soul, he hoped that he could find that sparkle, a glimpse of the old Kate McGregor but her eyes were cold and unforgiving. The person he used to be so close with was no longer there, but it didn't mean he was going to give up on her.

"Kate, don't be ridiculous…"

She clenched her hands over the steering wheel and her eyes closed and yelled.

"Get out!"

Dutchy was taken aback by her anger, hadn't ever seen this side of her, he sighed an opened the door to leave but turned back to face her.

"Just tell me where you're going…"

She leaned over and shoved him out the car.

"None of your business…"

Kate approached the counter and smiled as she spotted James, he looked up saw her approach and gave her a friendly wave.

"Ms. McGregor! Welcome back..."

"Thanks, James..."

"So, no rest for the wicked?"

Kate put her suitcase down and grabbed out her credit card

"Yeah, I guess..."

"Well, I hope that you'll be able to have a little more fun this time? I barely saw you last weekend..."

She gave him a wink as he handed her the room key.

"We'll see!"

Kate opened the door to her room and jumped onto the bed and exhaled loudly, a feeling of relief filled her body. No one knew her here, it was like a sanctuary, a safe place where she could exist without guilt.

She lounged around the pool for most of the afternoon sipping on cocktails and catching up on some reading. As the sun went down, she started to get a little excited, she packed herself up and returned to her room to get changed.

She walked through the lobby in her "Brooke" attire and James looked up from the computer and had to do a double take.

"Ms. McGregor, is that you?"

Kate froze, she knew she was busted, she spun around and put on a smile trying to think of a way to explain her look.

"You got me, just umm, keep it on the DL, okay?"

He smiled but was unsure of the situation.

"Is this part of your job?"

"Ah, can't really say..."

She walked off hoping he would think she was undercover and not ask any more questions.

Kate strolled down the strip and wandered into a club, she positioned herself at the bar scoping out the talent, it didn't take long for a guy to approach her. Her eyes scanned him up and down, he was doing the same.

"Can I buy you and your beautiful body a drink?"

She cringed, it was a terrible line, something one of her younger sailors would say. She rolled her eyes at herself and faked a smile and moved her body closer to him.

"Sure, only if I get to see your beautiful body later..."

She watched as he tried to hide his surprise at her comment.

"Damn, I like you! I'm Sam..."

"Brooke..."

They were bumping and grinding on the dance floor, Kate was swinging head around to the beat of the music when she caught a glimpse of a familiar face, her body stiffened. She immediately stopped dancing and stepped behind Sam using his as a shield, he noticed his strange behaviour and stopped dancing.

"Everything okay?"

Kate glanced out from behind him and quickly ducked back as 2Dads spun around in her direction.

"Ah, yeah, just umm..."

She didn't know how to explain, she had to think quick.

"Oh yeah, just an ex.."

Sam immediately turned to see if he could spot him.

"Which one?"

His head bobbed up and down trying to find him, she grabbed his arm spinning him back to face her.

"Don't worry…"

He shrugged off her grip and spun back around still looking for him.

"No, you look completely freaked! Which one?"

Kate peered out from behind him and winced, she hoped Sam wasn't going do anything stupid.

"Ah, the blonde in the blue shirt."

He spotted him and frowned looking 2Dads up and down, sizing him up.

"Really? Wouldn't have picked him as your type..."

2Dads noticed the couple staring at him, he squinted trying to make out their faces.

"Kate?"

He moved through the crowd trying to get closer, Kate's eyes widened, she couldn't let him see her like this so she ran. Sam turned back around to talk to her but she was gone, he spotted her heading for the door and ran after her.

"Brooke, wait!"

He sprinted a few steps, but she was too fast, he stopped and waited for 2Dads to catch up, he ran past him and grabbed him by his collar.

"Hey mate, she's not interested..."

2Dads struggled against him, confused why a stranger was manhandling him.

"Huh? No, umm I thought she was a friend.."

Sam shoved him a little more trying to intimidate him.

"A friend huh? She told me you were her ex..."

2Dads laughed at the thought.

"Ah, Kate, I don't think so..."

Sam let him go, she was mistaken.

"Kate? Her name is Brooke."

"Oh, must have got it wrong then..."

Sam shoved him aside and ran out of the club and found Kate pacing up and down the sidewalk waiting for a cab.

"Brooke? I think you were seeing things, he said he was looking for someone called Kate..."

She laughed nervously and continued to walk away from the club.

"Oh, maybe I was..."

A cab stopped in front of her, Sam got in next to her. She wasn't really in the mood, seeing 2Dads had spooked her. She was suddenly very aware of what was happening and it wasn't as fun when she was sobering up.

The cab pulled up at the hotel and they got out, he followed her into the lobby, James was at the desk, he glanced up at her and smiled.

Kate stopped as they got to the elevator.

"Ah well, thanks for getting me home safe..."

He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck.

"Oh c'mon Brooke, what happened to that promise?"

She moved out of his embrace and pressed the up button.

"Ah, maybe tomorrow? I'm pretty beat..."

The doors opened, she went to step into the elevator, Sam was a little annoyed and gripped her arm pulling her back.

"Seriously?"

She peeled his hand off her arm and smiled.

"Yeah, I'll be out tomorrow, I'll give you a call!"

Kate stood on her tippy toes and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I promise…"

Kate got into the elevator and smiled and waved as the doors closed. The doors clunked shut, she reached out to press her level, her hand shook violently, she clenched her fist trying to stop it, it didn't work, she quickly pressed number 6 and folded her arms around herself.

James had watched their interaction from a far, he was concerned about her strange behaviour and was about to go check on her, he opened the counter door and stopped as he saw Sam heading for the exit, he smiled with relief and waved.

"Goodnight, Sir…"

End of Chapter 11

Please review! xx


	12. Chapter 12

Happy Easter everyone!

Hope everyone had a lovely weekend! Sometimes I wish I had a 9 -5, my work was only closed Friday! So, really it's just a normal week for me.

Anyway, thanks to everyone who has left feedback! I know this chapter is shorter than others but still struggling with this one! It's doing my head in, lol.

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 12.

The next night Kate sat on her bed ready to go out, she contemplated staying in, her mind was all over the place and her thoughts were taking over. She glanced up and caught her reflection in the dresser, she stood up and waked towards the mirror. A grin came across her face as she ran her hand over her wig and straightened her mini dress. She liked the way she looked as Brooke, guys would fall over themselves to talk to her, buy her drinks but best of all it made her forget about her real life. She picked up her glass from the dresser and swallowed the rest, she got out her phone to message Sam.

She picked a different club from the night before at hoping that she wouldn't run into 2Dads. She stood at the bar waiting for Sam, he spotted her and ran towards her and kissed her immediately.

"Hello, gorgeous..."

She took a shot off the bar and threw it back, the motion made her head spin and she lost her balance momentarily, Sam placed his hands around her to steady her.

"Had a few pre-drinks have we?"

Kate shrugged and smiled sweetly and ran her hand down his arm.

"Just a couple… but we better get you caught up, hey?"

She leaned in and kissed his neck. He waved over the bartender and ordered a round of shots.

A few hours later Kate was in fine form, she swallowed the 2 shots that were in front of her and then ordered a vodka, lime and soda and headed to the dance floor. She jumped around letting out a zealous scream. She stumbled in her heels and felt into the person next to her, she saw his face before he saw hers, it was 2Dads. She shielded her face and headed back to the bar and ordered more shots. Sam came back from the bathroom and noticed she was acting strangely again.

"Brooke?"

Her eyes darted around the club trying to find him again.

"What's going on?"

She turned to face the bar hoping he hadn't seen her again.

"He's here!"

Sam looked out over to the dance floor and spotted him and frowned.

"Is he stalking you or something?"

"Don't worry about it..."

She grabbed his face and pulled it towards her kissing him passionately, his eyes widened, surprised by her enthusiasm. She stopped and took one of her shots, he took her hand and lead her to a empty booth. They sat close, he ran his hand through her hair and started to kiss her, he ran his hands down her chest and over her thigh.

One of 2 Dads mates noticed their very open PDA and tapped him on the shoulder and pointed.

"Gotta find me one like that..."

2Dads frowned a little, it was a bit crude, even for 2Dads standards, he glanced over and did a double take.

"Kate?"

He knew this time he wasn't mistaken, he made his way to the bar trying to get a better look, he didn't want to be to obvious and look like a perv. He watched as Sam tried to get a bit more intimate, Kate attempted to push him off of her.

"Sam, we're in public..."

He pulled her closer ignoring her objection.

"So?"

She pushed her hands against separating then with a bit more force.

"Let's just wait..."

He leaned in and kissed her again, 2Dads couldn't watch it anymore, he stormed over to them.

"Hey, get off of her..."

He pulled on the back of Sam's jacket, Sam spun round and saw it was him and gave him a shove.

"You? Seriously? No, you listen, you leave her alone!"

2Dads looked at Kate trying to get confirmation that she was okay, he stepped in between Sam and Kate and grabbed her arm.

"Kate? I knew it was you! What is going on?"

Sam pulled him out from the booth and took a swing at him connecting with his cheek, he hit the floor and Kate let out a scream. The bouncers came running over and ushered all 3 of them out of the club.

Kate ran off down the street to avoid more confrontation and questions, Sam ran after her. 2Dads was left standing holding his face wondering what the hell was happening, he quickly hailed a cab and jumped in.

"Follow that cab!"

Kate and Sam's cab arrived at the Sheraton, Kate ran to the elevator and Sam followed her, they went up to her room and sat on the couch.

"Brooke, what the hell is going on?"

There was no way she was going to explain, not to someone that she'd only known for 24 hours.

"Don't worry, I'm sure he's learned his lesson..."

She needed to calm herself, she got up and grabbed a couple of bottles from the mini bar and poured them a drink.

She sipped on the glass and instantly felt more relaxed, Sam started to rub his hands over her knee and up her thigh, she gave him a weary smile and placed her hand on his.

Outside, 2Dads jumped out of the cab and rushed into the hotel, James was at the front desk.

"Yes, Sir, how can I help you?"

2Dads was panicked, his eyes darting around looking for Kate, James was instantly put off by his highly strung behaviour.

"Ah, I'm looking for my friend, her cab dropped her off here..."

"Right, but I'm sorry Sir, all our guest records are confidential, so unless you have her room number I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

"Please, you don't understand, she came back here with a guy and I think he's a creep..."

James tried to make eye contact with the security guard that was pacing the halls.

"Sir, I can't..."

2Dads leaned further over the counter, the security guard noticed and started to approach the desk.

"Please, she's not thinking straight, her name is Kate, Kate McGregor, she's a friend, she's going through some things and..."

The security guard tapped him on the shoulder.

"Sir, is there a problem?"

2Dads could see by the look on James's face her knew who he was talking about, he ignored the security guard and turned back to James.

"Please, she was wearing brown wig, that's not normal, and she's wasted, I'm worried that she's going to do something she'll regret, please..."

James exhaled loudly, he waved the security guard away. He wasn't sure about Kate's 'undercover' appearance earlier but now he was genuinely concerned, he leaned over the counter and whispered.

"Room 207, you didn't hear it from me."

2Dads raced to the elevator and impatiently pushed the up button.

Back in the room Kate was sitting on the couch downing yet another drink trying to numb herself. Sam started to rub her shoulders and leaned in and kissed her neck, she pulled away slightly trying to send him a message while trying not to hurt his feelings. He wasn't getting the hint, she placed her glass back on the table trying to get herself to stand up.

"Sam, I'm sorry I'm just not in the mood."

He moved closer and pulled her back down on the couch, he picked up the glass and put it back in to her hand and moved it towards her mouth, she sighed and took it from him and swallowed the rest of the glass. He ran his hand over her knee and up her thigh, she placed a hand on his stopping him.

"Sam..."

His gripped her wrist, a little tighter than she would have liked and leaned towards her, their faces centimeters apart.

"Seriously? You've flirted with me, kissed me and lead me on for the past 24 hours, and now you're telling me to back off?"

Kate was now a little frightened, her heart was pounding, she snatched her hand back from his grip as he ran his other hand further up her leg.

"C'mon Brooke, you love it..."

There was a banging on her door that made them both jump.

"Kate? Kate, are you in there?"

Sam leaned in further and started to push her back on the couch, she tried to manoeuvre her body off the couch but he grabbed her shoulders and threw her back on to the couch, she hit the back of her head and winced. She lay there for a minute and closed her eyes trying to summon the strength to get fight, but it was no use, her mind was fuzzy, she couldn't focus and he was too strong.

Meanwhile, 2Dads stood on the other side of the door banging and calling her name, he wasn't leaving until he saw that she was okay.

Sam reached under Kate's skirt and started to pull on her underwear, she let out an instinctive scream. 2Dads became panicked and took a run up and attempted to barge his way tough the door, he succeeded, and found a very frightened Kate in the corner crying. He looked around for Sam, there was no sign of him, he rushed to Kate's aid, Sam came out from behind the door and made a run for it.

2Dads saw the back of him and rushed to the phone to call the front desk.

"Hi, there's a guy coming down the elevator now, he's wearing jeans and a white and blue shirt, he needs to be restrained, he has assaulted my friend..."

He hung up the phone and rushed back to Kate's side.

"Kate, are you okay?"

She nodded and drew her knees to her chest, she tried to wipe the mascara stained tears from her face but in the process made it worse.

"It's just a misunderstanding 2Dads..."

2Dads wanted to be supportive and tried to contain his rage, how did she not understand the gravity of the situation. He clenched his jaw, what more needed to happen for her to wake up? He couldn't take it, he stood and paced round her.

"Misunderstanding? Are you kidding me?"

Kate looked up at him startled by his anger.

"Please, 2Dads..."

He wasn't letting it go, no this time.

"No, what were you doing last night?"

Kate tried to compose herself, she knew what had happened was serious but it wasn't registering. She stood and went into her bathroom to wash her face and wandered around the room trying to avoid his gaze.

"What do you mean, I was just having some fun, you of all people should know what fun looks like."

He shook his head slightly, she had an explanation and an excuse for everything.

"Well, it didn't look like you were having fun..."

"2Dads, I'm fine, just drop it..."

2Dads walked up to her so she couldn't escape his glare.

"Really? Kate, you were wearing a wig..."

"Yeah, well, haven't you ever given someone a fake name or phone number, how is this different?"

She had a point but he knew that she was trying to dismiss it like it didn't affect her, but after everything he had witnessed over the past couple of weeks he now knew better. He had to push further, it was too serious not to.

"So other night, were you just faking? Just trying to get me off your back, by crying..."

"Don't be ridiculous, 2Dads, you think I'm capable of that?"

He felt terrible accusing her of being that manipulative but it was what it looked like.

"Kate, that guy could have..."

He couldn't bring himself to say the word, she stopped him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, and I would have handled it. I can defend myself 2Dads..."

She knew being on the defense wasn't going to convince him that she was okay, she tried a different approach.

"2Dads, it's sweet that you're concerned, but I'm fine. I'm just having some fun, don't you think I deserve some fun?"

Kate sat on the couch and took a swig of her drink and put on a smile.

"It's all good, I'm not gonna let one creep put me off having a good time!"

He sat next to her and she handed him a drink.

"Okay?"

He took the drink from her and she clinked her glass with his.

"C'mon, where's the fun 2Dads when I need him?"

He took a sip and glanced at her over his glass, he was sick of the games but he may have to play along until he could get some back up, he knew there was no convincing her on his own. Kate rolled her eyes seeing is cautious look, she let out a huff and placed her glass on the table.

"I haven't had a holiday in forever and I'm just blowing off some steam..."

2Dads hesitated for a moment trying not to retaliate, play the game 2Dads, a smirk grew on his face.

"And that's not the only thing you're blo..."

Kate knew what was about to come out of his mouth, she put her hand over his mouth.

"If you value your life, you will not finish that sentence..."

He pretended to lock his lips together.

"Look 2Dads, it's why they call it a private life, it's private and I'd really appreciated it if this didn't become some story for you to tell when you've had a few drinks..."

"Kate, I would never do that…"

"Well, that includes Mike and Dutchy…"

There was no way 2Dads was agreeing to that, he needed to change the subject.

"So, where did you get that awful wig?"

End of Chapter 12

Don't forget to review! Xx


	13. Chapter 13

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 13

The next morning Kate made her way home from Port Douglas, 2Dads had insisted he travel with her but she checked out early so she could avoid an awkward car ride home. She flung open her front door and found Dutchy standing in her kitchen cooking breakfast. She clenched her jaw irritated, of course he was there, he looked up at her and smiled. She sighed with relief, 2Dads hadn't told him what had happened, she knew if he had that he wouldn't be this calm. She walked past him not saying a word and headed for her bedroom, Dutchy followed her and knocked on her door.

"You're gonna have to speak to me sooner or later…"

There was no response, he knocked again.

"I'm coming in whether you like it or not…"

He swung open the door and found her tucked into bed with the covers over her head, he whipped the covers off of her.

"Hey!"

She tried to yank them out of his grasp, but he was too strong, he pulled them completely off the bed. She curled herself up in a ball and avoided his glare.

"This is break and enter you realise?"

"I didn't break anything, Mike lent me your spare key…"

She let out a grunt and rolled over turning her back to him, he walked around to face her, she closed her eyes immediately and turned over again.

"Kate, you need to stop this!"

Dutchy's phone beeped, distracting her momentarily, he took it out of his pocket and glanced at the message, it was from 2Dads.

"I need to talk to you about Kate."

Dutchy hesitated before replying, he didn't really want to leave, he wouldn't put it past her to change the locks while he's gone. His phone beeped again.

"It's important…"

Dutchy looked up at caught Kate looking at him, she immediately turned back over as his eyes caught hers. He sighed and replied to the message as he headed for the front door.

"Where are you?"

"Meet me at NAVCOM…"

Kate rolled out of bed and locked her bedroom door, on her way back to bed she grabbed her covers off the floor and flung them back over her head, she could only assume that was 2Dads it was only a matter of time before he knew.

Dutchy walked into NAVCOM looking for 2Dads, he found him in Maxine's office with Mike, he knocked on the door and poked his head in.

"Ah, hi…"

Maxine stood and waved him in.

"Sit down, Dutchy…"

Dutchy sat next to 2Dads, he was confused as to why 2Dads had gathered Mike and Maxine, he nudged 2Dads and lent towards him.

"What's going on?"

2Dads looked up at Maxine, she nodded indicating for him to start. He was hoping that they were going to take the lead, he didn't want to be the one to explain.

"I, I saw Kate yesterday, when I was in Port Douglas…"

"Okay…"

2Dads concentrated on the floor, but he could still feel the 3 sets of eyes on him.

"Umm…"

2Dads glanced up at Maxine for help, he didn't know how to continue, how were you supposed to tell someone that their friend was nearly sexually assaulted?

"It's okay, 2Dads…"

Maxine moved her chair around the desk and sat next to Dutchy, he was now more worried.

"We think we need to talk to Kate as a group, she's obviously not coping. She's been able to fool us for this long, but it's clear that counselling hasn't worked and she's just told us what we wanted to hear."

Dutchy nodded in agreement, but he didn't know if talking to her as a group is what she needed.

"Yeah, but I don't know if an intervention will work, she's just going to see it as us ganging up on her. It could cause her to completely shut us out…"

Mike sighed, that's what he would have said, but he didn't feel like he should be the one to advise what was best for her now.

"Well, we're just a bit stuck, Dutchy, what would you recommend? You probably know her best."

Dutchy scoffed to himself, he didn't know her at all, not this Kate anyway.

"I don't know, she's just so shut off, like, she's just numb to everything…"

Maxine shifted in her seat, she hadn't been in this position before and she didn't like not having an answer.

"We're just concerned with the trial coming up it could push her over the edge. Do we know why she's not listening to anyone?"

Dutchy shook his head.

"I don't know how to get through to her…"

"Well, some of Jim's family are coming in for the trial, do you think she'd talk to them?"

Dutchy shrugged, he knew that everyone else was at a loss and they were right in the fact that he was the closest to her, but he had no answers and it made him feel useless.

"I really don't know, Ma'am…"

"Well, we've got to do something, have a bit of a think and let me know. Meanwhile, why don't you go make a nuisance of yourself and go see her."

"I was there when 2Dads messaged me, I'm gonna go back there now, if she hasn't changed the locks."

2Dads and Dutchy left Maxine's office, Dutchy pulled 2Dads towards him.

"What happened in Port Douglas?"

2Dads immediately broke eye contact, he didn't know how he was going to tell Dutchy what he had witnessed.

"Not here…"

They walked out of the building and sat in 2Dads car, Dutchy stared at him waiting for him to start, he whacked him on the arm as he became impatient.

"Okay, spill."

2Dads sat there trying to think of a way to explain, just thinking about what had happened made his stomach churn.

"Well, you know how we went on this boys trip?"

Dutchy nodded impatiently.

"Well, she was there…"

Dutchy frowned at 2Dads vague explanation.

"What? On your boys trip?"

He shook his head and fiddled with his keys.

"No, we were out at a club, and she was there…"

Dutchy scrunched up his face at the thought of Kate in a nightclub.

"Are you sure it was her?"

2Dads glanced up at him for a second and nodded.

"Yeah, she was dressed differently, and she was wearing a wig."

"2Dads, look I know she's acting a bit strangely but…"

2Dads was a little irritated that Dutchy didn't trust what he was telling him, he turned to face him and interrupted.

"It was her!"

Dutchy was taken aback by the abrupt tone in 2Dads voice, 2 Dads took a deep breath in a muttered.

"Trust me, it would have been better if it was anyone else…"

He shook his head slightly trying to erase the image of Kate huddled in the corner of the room with that petrified look on her face.

"She was there with this guy and, he was a creep, Dutchy, like, he was all over her…"

Dutchy heart raced, he gripped 2Dads arm, distressed about what was coming next.

"2Dads, what happened?"

"It's okay, I followed her back to her room, I got there in time…"

Dutchy closed his eyes and exhaled with relief and he ran his hands over his face, he couldn't believe that Kate would be so irresponsible, so reckless.

"What happened after that?"

"She tried to brush it off as fun, and she said she would have handled it, but, I don't know if she could have, she was smashed, Dutchy."

Dutchy felt so many things, he sympathised with her but now he was livid, he couldn't believe that she would put herself in that situation.

"Take me to her house, she's got to see sense…"

Dutchy leapt out of 2Dads car and persistently knocked on Kate's door, she lay in bed ignoring it, she placed a pillow over her face to try to drown out the noise. He got out the spare key and entered the house, he ran upstairs and tried her door; it was locked. He bashed on the door with his fist for a moment then stopped, realising that she could be scared, and he could have come across intimidating.

"Kate, please, I need to know that you're okay …"

He waited for a minute hoping that she would come to her senses, he let out a frustrated huff and went back downstairs and plonked himself on the couch and called out.

"Kate, I'm going to stay here all day and night until you talk to me…."

Half an hour later she hadn't surfaced, he called out again.

"I'm still here…"

She let out a growl and headed down the stairs, stopping before she got to the bottom.

"Can't you take a hint?"

He crossed his arms over his chest and gave her a smile.

"Nope…"

She stormed down the last few stairs and stood in front of him, her hands on her hips.

"I don't know what you want from me?!"

Dutchy stood up to confront her.

"I want you to tell me how you really feel…"

Kate hesitated, for a moment she thought about telling him the truth, but she couldn't, she didn't think she deserved to feel any less guilty.

"Why do you assume that I'm in pain, or that I feel anything, why can't this just be me?"

"Seriously? So you're telling me that you enjoy getting so drunk that people think they can take advantage of you…"

Kate's jaw nearly hit the floor, Dutchy could see that he had stunned her.

"Yeah, that's right, 2Dads told me. Do you have any idea how many people are worried about you?"

"That's not my problem! I never asked for help!"

Dutchy clenched his fists, there's no way he condoned violence but he was at the point where he wanted to slap some sense into her.

"Kate!"

He growled her name, she jumped at the volume of his voice. He stepped closer trying to get her to see the seriousness of the situation.

"Are you even registering what is going on here? Do you realise what could have happened to you yesterday?"

Kate stood there speechless, she did realise, but she had immediately blocked it out, because, if she thought about it, it might have broken her.

Dutchy took another step toward her sensing she was about to cave, he reached out to touch her arm.

"Kate, you need to talk to someone…"

She stepped back and snatched her arm away like his empathetic touch was diseased, and if she let him touch her that somehow she would be weaker. She needed him to back off, her aggression had returned, spawned from the memories of that night.

"Just because you felt guilty about someone dying on your watch doesn't make us the same.…"

Kate instantly felt sick as she watched as a bewildered expression come over Dutchy's face. She couldn't believe what she had just said, she had just used his deepest pain against him and she felt awful. She desperately tried to catch his eye hoping he could see how sorry she was, but he refused to even look at her.

"Dutchy, I'm…"

He shook his head in disgust and started to walk away.

"No, you're right Kate, we're not the same, not anymore…."

Deep down Dutchy knew she was just lashing out, but it didn't make it hurt any less. She knew that it was the darkest time in his life and she had used it to hurt him, he worried that there was no coming back from that. He left, he couldn't be around her in case he said something stupid in retaliation.

That night Dutchy tossed and turned in his bed not being able to get distraught face her out of his head. Kate did the same, she felt terrible for saying what she did, she knew he didn't deserve it, she was now hurting others and not only herself. She wanted to try to make it up to him, and maybe letting him in, just a little, was the way.

The next morning Dutchy awoke more determined than ever to get through to Kate, he knew for her to say something so awful like she did she had to be in so much pain. He was going to push, ignore whatever she threw at him, it was the only way.

He ran over to her house and swung open the door, she was standing at the kitchen bench eating a bowl of cereal, he stormed up to her and grabbed her wrist with some force.

"Come with me…"

She chucked her spoon in how bowl and tried to wriggle her wrist out of his grip, but it only made him hold her tighter.

"Dutchy, you're hurting me…"

Dutchy raised an eyebrow knowing she was trying to manipulate him.

"You're hurting yourself, Kate, come with me and I promise I'll make you feel better, even if it's just a little."

Kate stopped struggling for a moment, she was intrigued. It wasn't that she didn't want to feel better it's that she didn't know how to, she felt responsible for leaving Jim out there and how was she supposed to be forgiven when the only person who could do that was gone. Dutchy's eyes pleaded with her, she sighed, it was probably the least she could do after what she had said. Dutchy loosened his grip a little as he could see she was giving in.

"Please…"

She let out a huff and grabbed her bag.

They pulled up at a local recreation center, Dutchy looked over to Kate who had a puzzled look on her face.

"Don't question it…"

She sighed and opened the car door, Dutchy gave her an encouraging pat on the back.

He swung open the door and gave the guy standing the counter a friendly nod.

"Hey, Dave!"

"Dutchy, what are you doing here?"

He walked out from behind the counter and shook his hand.

"Ah, just back for a bit…"

Dave glanced at Kate, she gave him a slight smile.

"You in the Navy too?"

She nodded while Dutchy placed his arm around her shoulder.

"We're just gonna test out the mats if that's okay?"

"Yeah, no one's in there at the moment, go your hardest, don't hurt yourself!"

He winked at Dutchy and walked off.

Dutchy and Kate stood on the mat face to face, Kate wasn't enthusiastic about any of it.

"C'mon Kate..."

She flung her arms in the air not knowing what the point was.

"What do you want me to do?"

He chucked a pair of gloves at her.

"Put these on and hit me!"

She didn't bother catching them and they fell to the floor. She scrunched up her face and shook her head objecting,

"Dutchy, there's no way I can take you on..."

He stepped closer and picked up the gloves and placed them onto her hands.

"Kate, think of me as your grief, your anger, your hurt. It often feels bigger than you, like it's going to crush you. But you can defeat it, all you have to do is try."

Dutchy held up the pads and Kate closed her eyes trying to push all the bad thoughts out of her mind, but she couldn't. She felt like she was going to suffocate, she was so angry at herself for letting him stay on that boat. She clenched her eyes shut as tears streamed down her face, she held her breath and could hear Dutchy's voice but tried to drown it out.

"Kate! Push through it!"

She exhaled and opened her eyes, she let out a scream and let a 1,2 combo fly. The force stunned Dutchy and he stumbled backwards, she swept her leg under his feet and he dropped to the floor with a thud. She turned him over onto his stomach and held his arm behind his back. She froze trying to catch her breath and realised what she had done, she released her grip and Dutchy flipped on to his back and smiled.

"Well done..."

They turned as they heard clapping in the background, Dave approached them laughing.

"That was amazing! What's your name? I've gotta tell everyone that..."

Kate made her way to her feet and whispered, almost embarrassed about her actions.

"It's Kate..."

He smiled and nodded with approval.

"That Kate, kicked Dutchy's ass!"

Dutchy jumped to his feet and gave her a friendly nudge.

"Hey, when you tell people it was Kate McGregor, they'll understand..."

Dave tilted his head recognising the name.

"Lieutenant Commander, Kate McGregor?"

She nodded puzzled, how would he know who she is?

"Yeah, I've actually heard of you, you were on Hammersley when Captain Roth..."

Dutchy gave him a look to say "stop!" He noticed and looked at Dutchy strangely. Kate walked off and pretended to look around, Dutchy hit him on the arm.

"Dave!"

"What?"

"Kate was Jim's fiancée..."

Dave cringed feeling like an idiot.

"Shit!"

He ran after Kate and sheepishly tapped her on the shoulder.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't realise..."

She spun round and shook her head slightly dismissing his apology.

"Don't worry about it."

She immediately turned and walked off so he wouldn't see her tears, Dutchy ran up to him and they both watched as Kate walked out the building.

"I hope i didn't upset her…"

Dutchy gave him a concerned glance and went after Kate, he caught up to her and grabbed her by the shoulder.

"Kate... "

She spun round, tears pouring from her eyes.

"What are we doing? it this supposed to be some kind of 5 step program bullshit?"

"No, Kate, but even if it was, I think it was working."

"Just take me home Dutchy."

The car ride home was silent, he pulled up in her driveway and she swung open the door before the car had come to a complete stop. She ran upstairs and threw herself onto the bed and balled herself up in the covers and started to cry.

Dutchy sat next her her on the bed and sighed, maybe he had pushed too much.

"Kate, you can't keep hiding…"

She didn't respond.

"Kate, we're worried, the trial is coming up and I'm sure you want to be able to help put her away. Maybe this is what you need, some closure?"

Kate scoffed and turned her body slightly.

"How can I get closure with him, he's dead…"

She rolled back over and continued to sob, he rubbed her back trying to soothe her.

"I'm gonna be here as long as it takes…"

Dutchy sat there for what felt like hours rubbing her back, the sobs eventually stopped, he leaned over to see her face, she was asleep. He rose from the bed carefully so he wouldn't disturb her and went downstairs, he picked up her phone and scrolled through the contacts looking for her counselor's name, he stopped as he saw one labeled Dr Cowan and dialed the number.

"Hi, um, my name is Dylan and I'm a friend of Kate McGregor's, I need to talk to you about her, I'm worried…"

End of Chapter 13.

Please let me know what you thought! Xx


	14. Chapter 14

Hey Peeps!

So, I've found my mojo, maybe cos it's finally my turn for a long weekend!

Huge shout out to everyone who has reviewed! I was really struggling there for a bit and all your kind words kept me going! so thanks so much!

Okay, here we go...

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 14

Later that day Kate had calmed herself down and made her way downstairs, she walked around her house looking for any signs of Dutchy but he wasn't there. She folded her arms across her body suddenly feeling alone, she had become accustomed to him being around. Even though she told he she didn't want him there, and she didn't know how he could help, it comforted her knowing he was there. She sat on the couch and picked up her phone and messaged him.

"Where are you?"

Dutchy felt his phone vibrate, it was sitting face down on the table, he resisted the urge to check it, he needed to focus.

"I just don't know what to do…"

Dr Cowan sighed and lifted her cup of coffee to her lips and took a sip.

"Well, she needs to come back and see me. If 'm being honest, I was worried that this was what was happening."

Dutchy didn't understand, if she thought this was going to happen then why did she clear her? Dr Cowan could see he was confused about her conclusion.

"Dylan, sometime people need to hit rock bottom, look, I know that it was a risk clearing her but she was safe, everyone around her knew what had happened and Maxine assured me that if there were any signs that she'd be off the ship. But I can't make her better, she's got to want this for herself. Is she talking to you?"

"Umm, only if you count yelling at me that she doesn't need help and that this person she had become is the real her, but I know it isn't. I know she's in pain but I just don't know what else to do…"

"Do you think she'd come back and see me?"

He shrugged, it was going to take some effort.

"I can talk to her about it but I dunno, do you really think you can get through to her?"

"All we can do is try, Dylan. I actually thought she might have opened up to you."

He focused his eyes downward, Dr Cowan's comment made him feel like a bigger failure, she could tell from his body language that she had hit a nerve.

"Dutchy, look, and I'm breaking all sorts of rules here but I'm also at a loss what to do. Kate was such a logical person that I thought she'd respond to facts and the black and white truth. I mean Jim was doing his job, simple as that, she wasn't to know the out come, from what I had read he had done this plenty of times. But for some reason she doesn't understand that and she blames herself."

She hadn't said it to him in so many words but Dutchy knew there was more to it than just grief.

"But how can I change her mind of that?"

Dr Cowan smiled at his determination, she patted his hand.

"You can't, she needs to believe it herself, all you can do is be there for her, support her."

Kate wandered around her house in a daze, her phone beeped and she instantly grabbed it hoping it was Dutchy, it wasn't, it was Maxine.

"Hi Kate,

Jim's sister is at Navcom, she would really like to talk to you, do you mind if I give her your number and address?"

Kate didn't really want to see her, she was afraid how she would react meeting her, but she couldn't' think of a reason that she could say aloud, so she replied.

"Okay."

45 minutes and 4 wardrobe changes later Kate walked down the stairs in one of Jim's favourite dresses of hers. She sat on the couch waiting for the doorbell to ring, her eyes darted to the clocked every few seconds. Her leg started to twitch, she couldn't sit still from the nerves, she let out a huff and stood up and began to pace the room trying to think of what to say to this woman. The door bell rang causing her to jump, she exhaled slowly and headed to the door. She was a few steps from the door and felt the blood rush from her head, she stopped and took a few deep breaths in to try and calm herself. Her hand shook as she reached out to open the door, she held her breath as the door swung open. Standing on her door step was a woman who looked just as petrified as her, Kate exhaled as the woman smiled, she had the same kind smile as Jim and the same sparkling eyes.

"Hi…"

Kate couldn't form the rest of her sentence so she smiled. The woman stepped forward not knowing whether to hug her or shake her hand, she went for the latter.

"Hi, I'm Penelope, Penny, James' sister…"

They both stood there for a moment trying to compose themselves as tears welled in their eyes. Penny fished a packet of tissues out of her bag wiped the tears from her cheeks, she handed the packet to Kate.

"I brought like 10 of these today, and I've already used like 5…"

Kate let out a halfhearted laugh and took the packet from her.

"Thanks…"

"Ah, this maybe a little odd but can I give you a hug?"

Kate could only nod, Penny wrapped her arms around her and couldn't stem the flow of tears, they stood there and cried in each other's arms. Penny stepped back and chuckled.

"Right, now we've got that over and done with…"

Kate opened the door and gestured for her to enter.

"Please, come in…"

Penny walked in and glanced around her house, Kate shut the door and walked behind her trying to think of anything to say.

"Your house is beautiful…"

Kate smiled politely.

"Thanks… ah, do you want a cuppa? Water? Vodka?"

Penny let out a giggle and shook her head.

"No, I'm fine… look, I know this must be strange, and I'm sad that we're not meeting under better circumstances, but I just had to meet the person who made my brother so happy."

Kate knew she was trying to be nice, but it wasn't having that effect. She walked into the kitchen to grab herself a glass of water, but in reality she was trying not to freak out, maybe this wasn't such a good idea. She stood at the kitchen sink and turned on the tap, she held the glass under the water trying to gather her thoughts, she was deep in thought she didn't notice the water spill over the sides of the glass. She felt a presence behind her and turned spilling the water everywhere. Penny could see that she was struggling and turned off the tap and gave Kate a sympathetic smile.

"If me being here is too much, I completely understand…"

Kate took a sip of the water wishing it was something alcoholic.

"No, it's fine, really."

They returned to the lounge room and sat on the couch, Penny broke the silence.

"So, how annoyingly charming was my brother?"

Kate smiled ever so slightly and nodded thinking of their first date, he knew that she was in the Navy but he played along with her HR game.

"It was almost sickening, he was a perfect gentleman…"

"You know how much he loved you right?"

Kate couldn't bear to think about it, she did know, and she didn't know if she'd ever find a love like that again.

"Oh, I have something for you…"

Penny frowned a little not understanding, she didn't know that she was coming to her house today, how could she have something for her?

Kate got up and headed to the set of drawers where she had put all her memories of Jim. She rummaged around for a moment and pulled out a ring box, she opened it in the drawer out of sight to take one last look at it, she closed her eyes and snapped it shut.

"Umm, here…"

Kate handed her the box, Penny opened it and realised it was her grandmother's ring.

"Oh no, Kate, this is yours…"

She handed it back to her, Kate shook her head and pushed it back towards her.

"No, I can't keep it, it's a family heirloom."

"Kate, she would have wanted you to keep it, please."

Kate reluctantly took the box back and placed it on the table. Penny gazed around the house looking any photos of Kate and Jim together, Kate noticed her wandering eyes.

"Is something the matter?"

"You don't have any photos of you two?"

Kate dropped her head, how was she to explain? Explain to a stranger that seeing his face every day made her life harder and harder to live. She had to give her something, so she didn't look like a heartless bitch, she stood and headed back to the drawer, she fished out a photo and passed it to Penny.

"This is our first date, he said…"

Kate stopped herself as the tears threatened to spill again, this was the most she'd talked about their relationship in a long time and she wasn't prepared for the way it would make her feel. Penny felt terrible for pushing, she placed her hand on Kate's for support.

Kate moved closer to her and glanced down at the picture, she smiled and wiped the tears from her eyes.

"He said that he wanted a photo of our first date so he could show our kids what a perfect first date looked like…"

Kate barley got the sentence out, Penny ran her finger over the outline of Jim's face.

"You know he told me he knew you were the one after that date…"

Kate couldn't hold it in any longer, she burst into tears from the guilt she was trying to hold in.

"I, I'm sorry…"

Penny titled her head questioning her apology.

"What for?"

Kate's head dropped and her gaze focused on the floor.

"I, I left him out there…"

Penny could see she was distraught but didn't understand why.

"I don't understand…"

Kate moved herself away from Penny, like what she was about to say was going to make her angry.

"I, I left him, I left him out there, out on that boat, I'm sorry, I…"

Penny frowned and moved herself closer to her, she reached over and squeezed her hand and shook her head as she watched the tears fall down Kate's cheeks.

"You think his death is your fault?"

Kate nodded ever so slightly, she couldn't bear to look her in the eye. Penny sighed, her behaviour had made sense now.

"Kate, this was in no way, your fault, if you want to blame anyone it's Madeleine Cruz."

"But…"

Penny was almost mad at her that the thought even crossed her mind, she gripped both of Kate's shoulders wanting to make her listen.

"Kate, look at me…"

Kate's eyes darted upwards then straight back down.

"Kate! This is not your fault! I don't know how you got that thought into your head but you need to forget it, immediately. Kate? Do you hear me?"

Kate still refused to look her in the eye, Penny frowned, she new that Kate wasn't listening. She removed her grip from her shoulders and grasped both of her hands thinking it was a little less intimidating.

"No one, and I mean no one, thinks this it your fault…"

A silence came over the conversation, Penny's phone beeped interrupting them, she pulled it out of her pocket and glanced at the message.

"So umm, sorry to cut this short but I've gotta meet with my lawyer, but I'd really like to spend some time with you while I'm here, if that's okay?"

Kate nodded, she didn't have the guts to tell her no to her face, they stood and gave each other another hug.

"Is there anyone I can call, I don't really feel comfortable leaving you here upset?"

Kate shook her head and again wiped the tears from her face.

"I'm fine, really… it was good to meet you."

Kate showed Penny to the door, she turned before leaving.

"I really appreciate you agreeing to meet me, I know it can't have been easy."

Kate put on a smile and closed the door, she leaned on the door as more tears spilled from her eyes.

A little while later Dutchy approached Kate's front door and stopped as he heard music playing, he moved close to the door trying to hear. "Rescue" by Lauren Daigle was playing, he stood there for a moment listening to the words.

"You are not hidden, there's never been a moment you were not forgotten.

You are not hopeless, though you have been broken, your innocence stolen.

I hear you whisper underneath your breath, I hear your SOS, your SOS.

I will send out an army to find you In the middle of the darkest night, it's true, I will rescue you."

He sighed, he wondered if this was her way of hoping someone would hear that she need help, it broke his heart, he didn't understand why she couldn't let him in. He opened to door to find Kate sitting on the couch crying , in front of her was the drawer filled with photos of Jim and trinkets from their relationship. He grabbed the stereo remote and turned the music down, he sighed as he saw the newly opened vodka bottle on the table.

"Kate? What happened?"

She sat there sobbing not able to answer his question, she passed him her phone and showed him the message from Maxine about Penny.

"She came here?"

Kate only managed a nod.

"Kate, you can't do this to yourself."

She tried to speak, but it was muffled by her sobs, Dutchy moved closer and placed his arm around hers shoulder.

"Kate…"

Kate went to pick up the bottle again, Dutchy placed his hand on hers stopping her, she looked at him with a desperate look.

"Just tonight, please…"

Dutchy didn't want to condone or encourage her, but he knew the pain she was in, he sighed and removed his hand.

"Pour me one too.."

Kate poured them both a glass and handed one too him, he raised it in the air.

"To Jim…"

Kate tried to blink away some of her tears.

"To Jim…"

Dutchy swallowed his glass, he knew he sounded like a recording on repeat but he hoped if she heard it enough she would respond with something apart from silence or anger.

"Kate, you know you're not dealing with this, right?"

She sipped on her glass not responding.

"You really think this is your fault?"

She turned her body away from him like she was trying to deflect his question.

"And you really think this is the solution?"

She ignored his question once again and raised the glass to her lips, he snatched the glass away from her.

"I get an answer, you get your drink back…"

She let out a frustrated huff, she had already spoken the truth tonight and a small part of her was relieved, but she honestly didn't know how this was going to get better. She knew that lying wasn't helping, it had just got her in deeper so she spoke a little truth.

"It makes me feel better…"

He raised an eyebrow wanting more.

"Because?"

Kate tried to stare him down, Dutchy scoffed and took a sip of her drink.

"That stare ain't gonna work on me, McGregor…"

She sat there for a moment contemplating her answer, she had admitted it to Penny so easily, maybe she felt she might understand, that her forgiveness was the most important thing, a validation that she wasn't in the wrong. But even though she had said exactly what she wanted to hear it didn't make a difference, her brain still didn't release her from the prison of guilt.

She snatched the glass back while Dutchy concentrated on her face, she swallowed it immediately and lay down on the couch.

A few hours later Kate had fallen asleep on the couch. Dutchy moved off the couch as he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and crept out of the room to answer it.

"Hello?'

"Dylan, it's Maxine. The AFP have just called, Madeline has changed her plea, she's now pleading guilty. Her sentencing hearing is in 3 days, and I don't know if it's a good idea for Kate to attend but I thought that maybe it may help? Do you think she's up for it?"

Dutchy glanced back at Kate sleeping on the couch.

"Ah, I'll try and talk to her, she didn't cope very will with Penny's visit today."

"Well, let me know, I've contacted the rest of the crew and the all want to attend, it's at 10am on Wednesday."

"Thanks…"

Dylan hung up the phone and rubbed his hands over his face, he wasn't sure if she could handle all of this right now but then it could give her some kind of closure. He jumped as he heard a scream and rushed back into the lounge room, Kate sat upright on the couch breathing heavily looking terrified. He rushed to her side and held her hand.

"Kate…"

She instinctively reached for the bottle, he snatched it off the table before she could grab it.

"No, Kate. This is not the way to deal with this, it's going to stop, now…"

He walked over to the kitchen and poured the rest of the bottle down the sink and rummaged through the rest of her cupboard looking for her sash. He couldn't find any more bottles so he returned to the lounge and sat next to her.

"Do you want to talk about it?'

She shook her head and lay back down on the couch and placed a pillow over her head.

"Ah, so, Maxine called, umm Madeline has changed her plea to guilty."

He glanced over to Kate to see if she had heard him, she removed the pillow and slowly sat up.

"What does that mean?"

"Well, we won't need to go over everything again, but there is a sentence hearing on Wednesday, most of the crew are going and I wasn't sure if you wanted to go, we thought it may help?"

Kate sat there staring out into space thinking about it, Dutchy gave her a moment before trying again.

"Kate?"

She gave a slight nod and lay back down.

"Okay, then…"

"So umm, I've arranged Dr Cowan to come and do a home visit today…"

She bolted upright in and shot him an angry look.

"What?"

Dutchy cringed, maybe it was a bit much or today but he wasn't a professional and he didn't want to make things worse. Kate stood from the couch and chucked the pillow at him.

'Well, tell her to cancel, I don't need her…"

He stood and grabbed her hand so she couldn't walk away.

"I think you do Kate, you're not listening to any of the people that want to help you."

Kate let out an annoyed scream and stormed up the stairs. Dutchy sat back down and messaged Dr Cowan.

"Maybe today's not a good idea, sorry, I'll talk to you soon."

Just as he pressed send there was a knock on the door, he jumped up and ran to the door worried that it was Dr Cowan already. He swung open the door, it wasn't her, but a woman who seemed strangely familiar, he titled his head a little trying to figure out where he knew her from.

"Ah, hi…"

She smiled politely as she discreetly checked him out.

"Hey, umm, I'm looking for Kate?"

"Yeah, she's umm, she's lying down. Who are you?"

"Oh, sorry, how rude, I'm Penny, Penny Roth…"

Dutchy took a moment to process the name.

"Oh, good to meet you, I'm Dylan, I used to work with Kate, do you want to come in?"

She nodded and stepped inside the house.

"I just felt so terrible leaving her so upset before. Did umm, you guys get the call too?"

"About the hearing?'

"Yeah, it's technically the best news I've heard in ages."

They sat down on the couch, Dutchy felt a little odd about having her in the house without Kate being present but it was an opportunity to find out what they talked about.

"So umm, I don't mean to pry but she was pretty upset after you left, can I ask what you guys talked about?"

Penny glanced over to the ring box on the table and picked it up and played with it.

"Ah, not a lot, I didn't really know what to say, but it was strange actually, all she wanted to do was apologise…"

"What did you say?"

Penny looked up at him hoping that he didn't think that she wanted Kate to apologise.

"I told her it wasn't her fault of course, why does she think it's her fault?"

"Honestly, I have no idea, I mean, Kate takes her job seriously, she leads all the boarding's parties, I guess she assumed that because Jim was on her boarding that she was responsible for him."

She placed the box back on the table and picked up the photo that Kate had handed her earlier.

"And I understand that but he wouldn't want this for her, she has to know that he wouldn't blame her for this."

He shrugged, everyone knew this, everyone but her. Dutchy took from photo from her and smiled looking at how blissful they looked.

Kate heard voices in her lunge room, she headed down stairs shocked to see Dutchy sitting with Penny.

"Oh, Penny, hi…"

They both stood from the couch looking like they had been caught doing something illegal.

"Kate, I just wanted to see if you were okay, also to let you know about Madeline but your boss has already notified you?'

She nodded.

"Ah, also my mum wanted to meet you, would that be too much?"

Kate swallowed hard, it was too much, way too much. They watched as the colour drained from her face, Penny glanced in Dutchy's direction, he shook his head ever so slightly.

"It's fine Kate, maybe after all of this is over yeah?"

She stepped closer and gave her a hug.

"I'll umm, leave you be…"

Penny waved at Dutchy and smiled.

"Thanks, Dutchy, good to meet you…"

The door shut and Kate and Dutchy stood there in silence, Dutchy was worried that Kate wouldn't have liked them talking about her, but he also wondered if Jim's family could help.

"Penny seems nice…"

Kate sat on the couch and nodded, he stood there waiting for her to yell, but instead she stared into space looking like she was in another world. He cautiously sat next to her and dared to continue.

"It seems like his family really want to meet you, I know it's a lot Kate, but it might help."

He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see her reaction to his comment, but there wasn't one, she just shrugged.

"Maybe…"

Dutchy smiled, he took it as a win.

"Well, it's late…"

Dutchy got up to leave, Kate pulled on his arm stopping him.

"Will you stay?"

Dutchy smiled, he hoped it was a sign that she was thawing.

"Of course…"

Kate got herself ready for bed, Dutchy knocked on her door and poked his head in.

"Night…"

Kate sat up in bed and pulled the sheet over her and fiddled with the edging.

"Can you sit with me?"

Dutchy could have leapt into the bed he was so excited, excited that she had asked, it for help but it was something.

"Sure…"

Dutchy climbed into bed and sat beside her, she pulled his arm over her shoulder and rested her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. He kissed her on the head and leaned over and turned off the light.

"Dutchy?"

"Yeah?"

"No funny business…"

He let out a laugh.

"I wouldn't dream of it, not after the way you took me down on those mats…"

Dutchy sat there in the dark with a grin on his face, there was the Kate he knew, it was a glimmer of hope that she was still in there, and he wasn't going to leave until she had returned completely.

End of Chapter 14.

Let me know what you think! xx


	15. Chapter 15

Okay, I spoke too soon, I have re-written this chapter 3 times! Ahhh!

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed! I hope you all enjoyed my first attempt at one shot, love that we're slowly converting some more Kate and Dutchy fans *insert evil laugh*

Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 15.

The next morning Dutchy awoke lying diagonal across Kate's bed, he forgot where he was for a minute and he rubbed his eyes trying to focus. He hopped out of bed and made his way downstairs, he found Kate sitting on the couch staring at the drawer full of memories. He sat next to her and pulled out a photo.

"It's a nice photo…"

She didn't respond, Dutchy placed a hand on her knee trying to gauge whether she was listening.

"Kate?"

She took the photo from him and placed it back in the drawer.

"I can't do it…"

"Can't do what?"

She shook her head and got up, sliding the drawer back in its place. She spun round on the verge of tears.

"I want to remember him, I do, I want to have photos of him around the house but I just can't…"

He stood and gave her a hug, he wished he could just squeeze the guilt out of her.

"Kate, don't be so hard on yourself… it'll take time…"

She exhaled and leaned her head on his shoulder.

"I think I want to see her…"

"Who?"

Kate removed herself from his embrace and sat back on the couch, Dutchy was confused about who she was talking about.

"Who, Kate?"

She inhaled sharply afraid of his reaction.

"Madeline…"

Dutchy was lost for words, he wasn't expecting her to say her name.

"Really?"

"I think it might help?"

Dutchy didn't understand how it would help, if it didn't help seeing Jim's family how could it possible help seeing the person who was responsible for his death?

"How?"

She shrugged sensing that he wasn't agreeable.

"I dunno, maybe to know why she did it? I was wondering whether you could help?"

Dutchy had mixed feelings about it, he was happy that she was thinking about how to over come her guilt but he was worried that it could blow up in her face.

"You know that you can't just rock up and see her right? You need to be on the visitor list, that she needs to approve, and I doubt she'll do it…"

Kate was a little disappointed that Dutchy was more supportive, but then she remembered Dutchy had his own issues with Madeline. She glanced over to him feeling a little bad that she asked him.

"Sorry Dutchy, I forgot that you guys…"

He shook his head, dismissing his comment, he didn't want to be reminded.

"It doesn't matter Kate, I just don't think it's worth the stress…"

She was getting agitated, he had been hassling her to help herself yet he wouldn't help when she asked for it.

"Well you don't have to help me, I'll figure it out myself."

Kate got of the couch and grabbed her tablet and sat on at the kitchen bench. Dutchy sighed and walked up behind her.

"It's not that I don't want to help, Kate…"

She sat there ignoring him and typed in the website for the Department of Correctional Services. He let out a frustrated huff and snatched the tablet away and took out his phone.

"I've got a mate that works there, let me call him…"

She spun round and leapt up and gave him a hug.

"Thanks, Dutchy!"

He peeled her arms off his neck, and let out a grunt, why did he always give in to her.

"Yeah, whatever…"

He unlocked his phone and scrolled though his contacts and lifted the phone to his ear. He paced around the lounge room talking to his contact and Kate sat nervously on the couch.

20 minutes later he hung up, Kate sat on the edge of the couch looking hopeful.

"Well?"

Dutchy shook his head and placed his phone back into his pocket.

"It's not looking good Kate, she's it maximum security, there's no way around the protocols and that could take weeks. "

She crossed her arms over her chest and wondered if he was lying because he didn't think it was a good idea. Dutchy sat down next to seeing she wasn't impressed.

"If I could make it happen, I would, he suggested that we fill in the paperwork and see what happens…"

Kate sighed, she got up and grabbed her tablet and walked upstairs and into her room. Dutchy heard the door slam, he rubbed his hands over his face.

Dutchy spent the day pottering around Kate's house, he didn't approve of her attitude earlier but he hoped that it was a part of her next step of grief. He wasn't going to be deterred, he promised himself that he would be there for her no matter what.

He sat on the couch watching TV, suddenly her heard a scream and a thud, he bolted up the stairs and into Kate's room.

"Kate, are you okay?"

She was sitting on her bed, elbows on her knees and hands covering her face. He looked around for the cause of the strange noise, her iPad was in the corner of the room with a cracked screen. He sighed and picked it up and sat on her bed.

"Kate?"

"It was denied…"

"Kate, this doesn't mean you can't get closure…"

"I know, but, I don't know what more I can do…"

Dutchy sat there not knowing what to say, he didn't have an answer either. She rolled on to her side and pulled the blanket over her head.

"I just need to be alone, Dutchy…"

He nodded, he knew arguing wasn't going to be productive.

Later that evening Dutchy had made them some dinner, Kate hadn't left her room since she asked to be left alone. He took a plate up to her room and knocked, he poked his head in, it was dark.

"Kate?"

There was no response, he flicked on the light, she was awake but closed her eyes and pretended to be asleep, she still didn't want to talk. Dutchy turned off the light and headed back downstairs, he wanted her to get plenty of rest. Tomorrow was the hearing, and he was concerned how she would react to seeing Madeline after being rejected.

It was the early hours of the morning, Kate had tossed and turned all night, she flung back the covers with a huff and rolled out of bed. She tapped on the door of the spare room where Dutchy was sleeping.

"Dylan?"

He was already awake, he turned over and turned on the lamp.

"Yeah?"

She crawled into his bed and snuggled into his side.

"Did I wake you?"

"Nah, I was already awake…"

She turned off the lamp, and they lay there in darkness, Kate broke the silence as she sighed heavily.

"I'm sorry for being difficult today, I just don't know what's wrong with me…"

"Kate, you don't need to apologise, and there's nothing wrong with you."

He let out a laugh.

"Plus, I've become accustomed to you being a pain in the ass.."

She scoffed and pinched him on his upper arm, he barley flinched and laughed.

"No fat there, just muscle…"

"But seriously, thanks…"

He pulled her closer and gave her a squeeze.

"C'mon, lets get some sleep…"

Dutchy awoke the next morning and rolled over, Kate was snoring beside him, he smiled, he was glad she was able to get some sleep.

He tried to lean over to check his phone without disturbing her, but she was lying on his arm, she started to stir as he reached over her.

"Dutchy?"

"Sorry, just checking the time…"

She sat up and he grabbed his phone, it was 8am.

"You still sure you want to go today?"

"Yeah, I think I need to…"

"Okay, well, it's at 10, so we should get ready soon, okay?"

She nodded again and headed to her en-suite and closed the door. Dutchy got ready downstairs and sat on the couch waiting for her, he looked at his phone, it was 9:15am, he was about to get up and go back upstairs to check on her but he heard footsteps coming down the stairs. He smiled as he saw Kate walking down the stairs, her makeup was done, hair washed and she was wearing a floral dress.

"You look nice…"

She forced a smile and ran her hand over her dress.

"This was Jim's favourite, I wore it when I met Penny the other day…"

"Well, he had good taste…"

"Yeah…"

She gathered her bag and headed for the door, he watched her as she walked to the door, she was starting to look like her old self. She waved her hand in his face breaking his concentration.

"We going?"

He nodded and grabbed his wallet and phone, he smiled as he opened the front door for her feeling lot more positive about the day.

They arrived at the courthouse and sat in the car for a moment, they watched as the crew started to gather out the front. Kate sat there watching them having a chat, a laugh. She envied the smiles on their faces, Dutchy looked over to her sensing she was uncomfortable.

"You okay?"

Kate took a deep breath in and nodded, she opened the car door and attempted a smile as they approached the rowdy crew. They all stopped talking as they saw her approach, she cringed a little as she saw their faces, the smiles had gone, replaced by sympathetic looks. Dutchy cleared his throat.

"Ah, we going in?"

They all nodded trying not to concentrate their gaze on Kate, Dutchy placed a hand on Kate's shoulder letting her know he was right beside her.

They entered the foyer of the courthouse, Kate glanced around the sea of faces wondering if Penny and Jim's mum would be here. She turned and caught a glimpse of Penny and looked away immediately, she didn't mean to be rude but she didn't know how much she could handle.

She heard a commotion and turned back in her direction, she watched as Penny tried to restrain a woman who she assumed was their mum.

"Mum, she asked to be left alone…"

The woman smiled in Kate's direction and caught her eye, Penny pulled a bit harder.

"Mum!"

Kate took a deep breath in and gave Penny a nod, she slowly released her grip on the woman's arm, she approached Kate with a giant smile on her face.

"Kate?"

Kate put on a smile and tried to give herself a pep talk, you're fine, Kate, just try and relax.

"Kate McGregor?"

She nodded and glanced back Dutchy making sure he was close in case she couldn't cope. He caught her eye and gave her an encouraging smile. The woman reached out and held Kate's hand.

"Kate, I'm Deb, Jim's mum…"

Kate stood there speechless, worried that she would say something inappropriate.

"Penny, said you weren't ready the other day, and I totally understand. We weren't sure if you were going to come today and I don't want to overwhelm you but we're family and if it's any day that we need to be together it's today…"

Kate nodded, Deb smiled and pulled her in for a hug, Kate felt her eyes well with tears, she felt a type of comfort that she hadn't felt since she was last with Jim. They parted and Deb held her hands in hers.

"Thank you, thank you for making my boy so happy…"

Deb wiped the tears from her cheeks and gave her hands a squeeze.

"And you are just as lovely as he described."

"Thank you…"

Is all Kate could manage, all she wanted to do was apologise, apologise for leaving him out there, apologise for not making him leave the boat. Dutchy could see that she was struggling, he reached out a placed a hand on her shoulder.

Deb focused her attention on Dutchy who was hovering behind Kate trying not to intrude on their moment.

"You must be Dylan…"

It surprised Dutchy that she knew who he was.

"Ah, yeah, pleasure to meet you…"

He reached out and shook her hand.

"How did you know who I am?"

Deb smiled an all-knowing smile.

"Jim said that Kate had a best friend, he said that he'd always look out for her and have her back."

Dutchy was touched that Jim had spoken so kindly of him, Deb chuckled and shook her head.

"But, he also said that he was just as good looking as him. He joked that he was worried that one day Kate would realise, and they'd start some Navy love affair."

Dutchy glanced at Kate and let out a laugh, Kate hadn't heard the joke, she was somewhere else. Dutchy squeezed her shoulder.

"Ah, I think we should head in…"

Kate nodded but as she went to walk away Deb re-griped Kate's hand.

"Would you sit with us?"

Kate glanced at Dutchy, he had become like a security blanket, Deb saw their exchange and smiled.

"Dylan, is more than welcome too…"

Kate gave a slight nod, and they headed towards the courtroom, the Hammersley crew had already positioned themselves in the middle of the benches. Deb and Penny headed for the front section, Kate walked down the aisle and hesitated halfway down, not sure she could deal with the situation. Dutchy bumped into her as she stopped, he whispered in her ear.

"You can do this…"

She continued to walk to the front and sat next to Deb, Deb reached over and held Penny's hand, she looked over to Kate and outstretched her hand, Kate placed her hand in Debs and exhaled.

The Judge entered the room and sat while they guard brought in Madeline Cruise, Kate felt Deb squeeze her hand as she walked passed them. Madeline caught Kate's eye and held her glare until she reached the holding area. Kate felt all the hairs stand on their ends, she suddenly felt enraged, she imagined herself jumping the railing and strangling her. The Judge cleared his throat bringing her back.

"Ms Cruise, you have pleaded guilty to the following charges, conspiring to provide and providing information to a terrorist group, supplying materials to help carry out a terrorist attack, supporting a foreign terrorist organization, provide support for a weapon of mass destruction and lastly 2 counts of murder."

The court room was silent, all Kate could hear was the beat of her own heart, she felt sick to her stomach.

"I have gone over all the evidence and statements, and I know that you have cooperated with authorities. However, you have shown little remorse for your actions and the lives you have taken, the only remorse you have shown was to plead guilty…"

Dutchy leaned over and whispered in her ear.

"You okay?"

Kate couldn't hear him, she just wanted the judge to get on with it.

"For the acts of terrorism, I sentence you to 15 years in prison…"

Kate held her breath and blindly reached over and grabbed Dutchy's hand and gripped it tight. This couldn't be happening, it wasn't enough, she deserved more. Dutchy squeezed her hand back hoping she could keep it together.

"And for the 2 counts of murder, I sentence you to 2 life sentences, with a non-parole period of 40 years."

Kate exhaled with relief, she closed her eyes as tears spilled down her cheeks, a weight had been lifted but it brought a flood of thoughts into her mind, Dutchy glanced over to her, he could see the anger in her eyes as she stood from the bench and slowly made her way over to the holding bay. Madeline didn't take any notice as Kate stood in front of her trying not to lose it.

"Why did you do it?"

Madeline glanced down at her for a second and scoffed and ignored her, Kate didn't move she glared at her not believing her insolence.

"You murdered 2 amazing people, do you feel nothing? Why did you do it?"

Madeline rolled her eyes and leaned down and whispered in Kate's ear.

"I bet it kills you not to know, you wanna know why?

Kate's eyes widened, she couldn't believe it, she was going to get an answer. Madeline positioned her face in front of Kate's, staring her directly in her eyes.

"Because I could…"

Madeline laughed and evil laugh and was escorted from the room.

Kate stood there frozen, Dutchy walked up behind her, she turned and ran out of the courthouse. She leaned against the car, her hand on her chest, gasping for air. Dutchy ran up behind her and stopped a few steps away not wanting to crowd her.

"Kate, are you okay?"

"I just don't understand, she pleaded guilty, why would you did that if you weren't sorry…"

Dutchy opened the car door, Kate sat with her legs outside the car and her head in her hands. Dutchy knelt down beside her desperate to know what she had said.

"What did she say?"

Kate shook her head.

"She's evil…"

Dutchy didn't want to make a big deal of it, the day had been stressful enough.

"C'mon, I'll take you home."

They arrived back at her house, she flung open the door and walked into the kitchen to get herself some water.

Dutchy walked into the lounge room not knowing what to do, Kate was silent the whole ride home, he wasn't sure what Madeline had said to her but he was sure it didn't give her the closure she wanted. He walked in to the lounge room trying to think of another plan, he glanced over to the drawer of memories and opened it slowly. He smiled at the photo of Kate and Jim on their first date and placed it on the mantle. Kate was heading upstairs when her eye caught the glint of the photo frame.

"What are you doing?"

He hesitated, he didn't mean for it to be a big deal, he just thought it was a small step that could help.

"Kate, now she's going away I thought..."

Kate's blood began to boil, she was infuriated by Madeline's comment earlier and she needed an outlet, she didn't mean for it to be Dutchy, but she couldn't help it.

"Oh, so you're an expert now?"

Dutchy couldn't believe the attitude he was copping.

"Why are you suddenly mad at me? This morning you were doing better, you talked to Jim's mum, you…"

She opened the drawer and swept the photo inside and slammed it shut.

"I'm gonna go have a shower…"

Kate stood under the flow of water wishing it would wash all her problems away, she didn't mean for things to get this out of hand but everything had just snowballed.

Madeline's sentence was a relief, she got what she deserved, but it didn't give her the closure she thought it would, and now she didn't know what would help.

Her breathing became fast and shallow, she stepped out of the shower feeling strange, she wrapped a towel around herself and sat on her bed. She couldn't control her breathing and she felt like she was going to hyperventilate. She was frightened and called out for Dutchy, she felt like her heart was going to explode.

Dutchy burst into the room just as Kate felt her body give way, he caught her before she hit the floor.

"Kate!"

He lay her on the floor, she wasn't conscious but she was still breathing but it was too fast, he took out his phone and dialed 000.

End Chapter 15.

Please let me know what you thought! Xx


	16. Chapter 16

Happy Friday everyone!

I think I'm so desperate to give this story the ending it deserves that I'm over thinking it. I literally stared at my computer screen for nearly 45 minutes last night willing the words/ideas to come to me! I think I have finally come to a conclusion (there' still a couple more chapters after this) so I hope you enjoy, and if you don't, I do have an alternate ending in mind but I have no idea how to write it lol.

Anyway, I know I say it a lot, but I do mean it every time! I'd like to recognise all the people who have left me a review, I'm nearly up to 100 for this story and its crazy, so thank you guys, soooo much! And to all the guests who I can't reply to, please join lol. There are also a couple of people who I can't reply to as your settings don't allow a PM.

Okay, on with it...

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 16.

Dutchy paced the waiting area of the hospital, Mike and Maxine entered and quickened their pace as they saw his troubled expression. Mike grabbed his arm causing him to jump.

"Dutchy! What happened?"

He ran his hand though his hair trying to think, he wasn't really sure himself.

"I'm not sure, she called out to me and I ran into her room and she collapsed in my arms…"

They turned around as they head someone clear their throat, Dr Fitzgerald smiled and opened his folder.

"Ah, are you guys are here for Kate McGregor?"

They all nodded, eager to hear her condition.

"She's fine, well, physically, she had a panic attack. Has she been under any stress lately?"

They exchanged a worried glance, Dr Fitzgerald was confused by the strange looks but continued.

"Well, I'm not sure that she's been coping with whatever has been going on, my suggestion would be that she see someone."

They all nodded, no one wanted to explain, because they couldn't, they didn't know why she was feeling the way she was.

"Ah, you can see her if you want, she's in 11…"

Maxine nodded towards Dutchy.

"You go, I'm just gonna have a word with Dr Fitzgerald."

Dutchy slowly approached Kate's room, not sure of the reception he was going to receive, he knocked on the door frame and entered.

"Hey…"

Kate turned away from him and covered herself with the blanket, he ignored her signal to leave and sat down next to the bed.

"Kate, I thought we were getting somewhere today…"

She didn't respond, he let out a huff and tried again.

"I, umm spoke to Dr Cowan today, she wants to know if you'll consider seeing her again."

She still didn't respond, he reached out and held her hand and squeezed it a little.

"I don't know how to help you, Kate, please, help me, help you…"

Dr Fitzgerald knocked on the door interrupting them.

"Ah, do you mind if I have a word to Ms McGregor?''

Dutchy gave him a nod and left the room, he approached Mike and Maxine who were standing down the hallway.

"How'd you go?"

"I don't know what to do, she was beginning to talk to me last night and this morning, she saw Jim's family today and she was talking to them but now, it's like she's just taken 3 steps back. She's been so hot and cold, she's either crying in my arms or yelling at me."

Maxine's phone rang, she glanced at the caller ID.

"Sorry, it's NAVCOM…"

She answered the phone and walked off, Dutchy and Mike sat on the chairs outside of Kate's room.

"I just don't get it, Mike, like, I know she's stubborn, but I would have never imagined that she'd fall this far…"

Mike nodded in agreement.

"I know, I don't understand either…"

They stood up and peered though the window into Kate's room, they watched at Dr Fitzgerald stood at the end of her bed. They couldn't make out what he was saying, but they watched as Kate just sat there with a blank look on her face. They moved away as he saw Dr Fitzgerald approach the door.

"Ah, I think it's best to let her rest, perhaps you can come back tomorrow?"

They both nodded, Maxine approached with a stern look on her face.

"Dutchy, did you try to skip the red tape and get Kate in to see Madeline?"

Dutchy hesitated wondering whether to lie, he thought better of it, there was enough drama.

"Ah, yes and no, my mate works for the DCS, she wanted to see her, I told her it wasn't a good idea but, look, Ma'am, I was just trying to help…"

"Right, well that was NAVCOM, someone has accused you of trying to use your position in the Navy to get Kate special treatment…"

Dutchy didn't know what to say, he didn't want Kate to get into more trouble.

"No, I just, hang on, who's accusing me?"

"Madeline's lawyer…"

Dutchy rolled his eyes.

"With all due respect, Ma'am, you know it's bullshit…"

Maxine let out a frustrated huff, she believed him but his record for following the rules wasn't great.

"Just be careful Dutchy, I think I've warned them off for now but don't go rogue on us, all right? It's the last thing anyone needs and by anyone I mean Kate."

Dutchy nodded and looked back into Kate's room.

"I doesn't matter anyway, he couldn't help. She submitted the application herself but they denied it."

Dutchy left the hospital, he wanted to help Kate, but he was stressed enough and he didn't want to say or do anything to make things worse. He stood outside the hospital, he had nowhere to go, he had been staying at Kate's but while she was mad at him he didn't feel it was appropriate to stay there if she wasn't there.

He knocked on 2Dads door, he answered it with a smile.

"Hey mate, what's up?"

Dutchy walked into his unit with a solemn look on his face, 2Dads frowned knowing something was wrong.

"Dutchy?"

He took a deep breath in trying to settle his mind.

"Kate's in the hospital…"

"What, is she okay?"

"She had a panic attack…"

They sat on the couch, Dutchy felt bad that he had come to him but he didn't know where else to go.

"Sorry, 2Dads, I just don't know what to do anymore…"

"It's okay, I'm probably the one that should be apologising to you, I kinda left you with her, I just didn't know what to do, I thought she might have listened to you."

"Yeah, well, that makes two of us…"

They sat there in silence for a moment, 2Dads pat him on the shoulder.

"Maybe we've just go to let her be? I don't like to suggest it because I see what she's done to herself but I don't think there's much else we can do…"

Dutchy sighed, 2Dads got up and headed to the kitchen and returned with 2 beers.

"At least she's safe in the hospital right?"

Dutchy nodded as he took a sip of the beer.

"Yeah, but I don't know how long she'll be in there for."

"Well, do the doctors know about what she's gone through? Maybe if you tell them, they'll keep her in longer, until we can figure out what else we can do."

"Yeah, maybe…"

The next morning 2Dads awoke to Dutchy making coffee in his kitchen. He walked into the kitchen yawning and rubbing his eyes.

"What are you doing up so early?"

"I'm going into the hospital…"

"But…"

"I can't give up on her, she didn't give up on me…"

"Dutchy, you're not giving up on her…"

"I'm not going to let her shut us out…"

Dutchy entered the hospital and walked past the nurse's station and gave the nurse a friendly smile and a nod. She jumped up from her seat and chased after him and called out.

"Excuse me, are you here to see Ms McGregor?"

Dutchy stopped and turned.

"Yeah, I'm Dylan…"

The nurse hesitated and broke eye contact.

"Ah, Ms McGregor is not accepting visitors right now…"

Dutchy frowned.

"What?"

"Ah, yeah, I can get her doctor if you like…"

He nodded and waited for the nurse's back to be turned and ran down the hall to Kate's room.

He tried the door handle, it was unlocked, he swung open the door and entered the room without hesitation, Kate was surprised to see him and turned her back towards him.

"Kate, don't shut us out, not now…"

She ignored him and pulled the covers over her head, Dr Fitzgerald ran into Kate's room.

"Ah, Dylan, I'm sorry you can't be here…"

He pulled on Dutchy's arm, he resisted a little and reached out and grabbed Kate's arm.

"Kate, please!"

Dr Fitzgerald pulled harder.

"Dylan, don't make me call security…"

Dutchy turned in Kate's direction, surely she wouldn't let him be kicked out. She didn't move, the blankets still covered her.

Dutchy sighed and walked out of the room, he stood outside with Dr Fitzgerald, constantly looking back through the window.

"You need to give her some space, Dylan…"

"Look, I know you're the doctor but I think that's the last thing she needs."

Dr Fitzgerald understood his concern and lowered his voice.

"Look, I have spoken to Commander White and Dr Cowan, they have updated me on her situation. She's safe here, she hasn't got access to drugs or alcohol and I think she might just need time to process some things…"

Dutchy was a little annoyed, she had already been left alone, and she had got worse, how was this going to help? Dr Fitzgerald could see Dutchy wasn't convinced of his advice.

"We're keeping her in for a couple of days, we're going to try and see if she'll see Dr Cowan tomorrow, she's in good hands."

Dutchy knew there was no point in arguing, he gave Dr Fitzgerald a nod and walked out of the hospital. He headed to NAVCOM to find Mike and Maxine.

He knocked on Maxine's door and entered, Maxine was sitting at her desk and Mike was on the other side, she looked up from her computer and smiled.

"Dutchy, hey…"

Maxine could tell from the uneasy look on his face that something was bothering him.

"Everything okay?"

Dutchy sat down next to Mike and sighed.

"So we're supposed to just wait?"

Maxine closed the lid of her computer and gave him a reassuring smile.

"She's in good hands, Dutchy. I think it's the safest place for her at the moment…"

Mike gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder.

"You did everything you could Dutchy, and Maxine's right mate, the doctors have been informed about what's been going on, and hey, at least she'd agreed to stay, maybe she realised she needs help."

Dutchy nodded, it still didn't make him feel much better but there was nothing he could do while she was in hospital. He made his way back to 2Dads unit, he walked in the door and plonked himself on the couch.

2Dads turned and saw the frustrated look on his face.

"No luck?"

"She's refusing to see anyone now, I'm going back tomorrow."

2Dads admired his loyalty, but he risked pushing her away altogether.

"What about Jim's family? You said she talked to them?"

"I don't want to burden them, they have enough to deal with…"

"Well, they should at least know that she's in hospital…"

"I guess, I'll see if Maxine still has their number, in the meantime, you wanna head down to the pub?"

2Dads let out a laugh.

"Thought you'd never ask…"

They walked into the pub and found themselves a table, Dutchy glanced around the pub looking for any other crew members when he spotted a familiar face. He excused himself and approached her table with caution.

"Sal?"

Sally looked up and smiled.

"Dylan! How are you? Please, sit, feels like I haven't seen you in ages."

It surprised him that she was so upbeat, he wanted to ask for advice on how she was coping so he could try to help Kate but he knew that asking outright was insensitive.

"I'm good, how are you?"

He cringed, it was a reflex question, but a stupid one.

"Sorry, that was…"

She smiled politely and patted his hand trying to make him feel less awkward, she could see he was out of sorts.

"No, it's okay…"

"I umm, I thought that I would have seen you at the hearing today…"

Sally took a sip of her wine and sheepishly glanced over to him.

"I umm, I didn't go, I couldn't. I sat in my car like a…"

Dutchy reached out and put a hand on hers.

"Sorry, Sal, I shouldn't have brought it up, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to?"

"No, it's fine, talking about it helps…"

He let out an ironic laugh, if only Kate felt the same.

"So, you know heard about the sentence?"

"Yeah, Maxine called me after…"

"I umm, so I heard that you moved back to Perth?"

She glanced over to Chloe who was playing in the kids' area.

"It's easier with her, my family are all there…"

"Fair enough…"

There was a pause in the conversation, Dutchy cleared his throat trying to strike up the courage to ask the question he was dying to ask.

"Umm, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, what is it?"

His eyes darted around the room, not knowing how to ask his question.

"It might sound strange, and if it's too personal…"

She gave him a friendly nudge trying to lighten the mood.

"Dutchy, spit it out…"

"Do you blame Kate for what happened?"

The question stunned Sally, it was such a strange thing to say, she took a moment to process it.

"Ah, I don't understand…"

Dutchy picked up the napkin from the table and started to rip the edges trying to find the right words.

"Look, I don't want to make it all about her, I know you have felt an incredible loss too, but she's not coping. I don't know if you were aware, but Jim and her…"

She nodded.

"Yeah, Chris had told me about them…"

"She's actually in hospital right now, she had a panic attack after the hearing…"

"Is she okay?"

"Ah, physically yes, but otherwise, not really. She blames herself for Jim's death, I haven't mentioned Swain in fear that if I bring him up, it'll send her right back to where she was. But no one can get through to her…"

Dutchy suddenly felt like a jerk, Sally had lost her husband, she shouldn't be worried about someone else right now.

"Oh my god, Sal I'm sorry, I shouldn't…"

"It's fine Dutchy, I think it's perspective. I mean, of course I would give anything for Chris to still be with us, and I wished none of this ever happened. I have lived my life in fear he wold never come home but he loved his job and I wasn't going to take that away from him. But I get through it by believing that he, that they saved a lot of lives, they were heroes. Kate's situation is a lot different, she was there, she was on that boat. We weren't super close, I mean, I barley saw Chris, so it was hard to make connections with the crew and I'm not saying she is anyway to blame for this but, I do see why she may feel that way."

"Okay, so how would you deal with it?"

She shrugged and sighed, she wanted to help him, he looked so desperate for an answer, but she didn't have one for him.

"I'm sorry, Dutchy, I honestly don't know. Do you want me to talk to her?"

"Oh, no Sal, that's not why I was here. I guess you're the only other person who could confirm for me, that it wasn't her fault. I mean, I know it's not her fault but maybe I've been listening to her for too long and I just needed some reassurance. I just don't know what else to tell her."

"It takes time Dutchy, I spent weeks being mad with Chris for staying on the boat, I was mad at my dead husband, how stupid is that?"

"But that's understandable…"

"See, perspective and people are irrational in grief Dutchy, just be there for her. I'm sure you already have been but she'll talk, eventually. Look, I've gotta get Chloe to bed, but I'm around for another day or so, I'm here to talk if you need."

"Thanks for being my sound board, it' probably the last thing you need."

"It's fine Dutchy, I'm happy to help."

The next day Dutchy sat outside of Kate room, he wanted to be there in case she wanted to talk, he had spoken to Penny the previous night, she was concerned but she didn't want to bombard Kate if she didn't wasn't to see any of them but she asked Dutchy to keep her updated.

He sat there with his head in his hands, he jumped as he heard a female voice.

"You're just as stubborn as her!"

He lifted his head as Deb sat down next to him.

"Mrs Roth?"

She waved her hand dismissing his formalities.

"Dylan, don't be silly, it's Deb…"

"Okay, Deb, what are you doing here? She's not allowing visitors at the moment…"

She raised an eyebrow and smirked.

"Well, what are you doing here?"

He felt a little awkward, he didn't want to give her the wrong idea about their relationship.

"Ah, I just want her to know she's not alone in this…"

She patted him on the knee and peered into her room.

"Ah, Penny told me what was happening…"

"Do you have any suggestions?"

"You're a good friend Dylan, but maybe that's the problem…"

"Huh?"

She gave him a wink and got up and barged her way into Kate's room, it startled her and sat up in bed trying to compose herself.

"Deb…"

Deb placed her hands on her hips and raised an eyebrow.

"Kate, what are you doing hun?"

Kate frowned, she wasn't sure what she meant, Deb saw the confused expression on her face and sat down beside her.

"I've been talking to Penny, she's worried, and poor Dylan has been sitting out there all day…"

Kate broke eye contact, she didn't need another concerned person in her life.

"I had a panic attack, they're just keeping me in for observation."

"Right, and why did you have this panic attack?"

Kate's eyes were firmly fixed on the bedsheet in front of her.

"I don't know…"

Deb tapped her on the forearm.

"Yes, you do!"

She rummaged around in her bag and pulled out a pile of paper.

"Look, I'm not going to tell you how to feel, you feel whatever you need to feel, but I know this isn't the person who my son fell in love with. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I'm trying to get you to see the person that you really are…"

Kate sat there not able to look at her, she sighed.

"And who is that?"

Deb placed the pieces of paper in Kate's lap.

"Jim wrote to me while he was out on missions, and all throughout the time you were dating."

Deb laughed as she pulled more pieces of paper out of her bag.

"I'm not good with technology, I made him hand write actual letters…"

She gave her arm a squeeze and rose from her chair.

"Be the person who you my son believed you were, the person I know you are…"

She gave her a kiss on the forehead and left the room. Dutchy look ups as he heard the door open.

"She kick you out?"

She shook her head and sat beside him.

"No, but I just want to be here, just in case…"

End of Chapter 16.

Please let me know what you thought! Xx

A note to Guest UK; I added the Sally scene after your review, so thanks for your feedback. I was going to have Swain mentioned earlier but I found it too hard to have Kate blame herself for 2 peoples deaths, you were right, it was too hard to weave that in as well.


	17. Chapter 17

Okay,

here we go, this chapter was hard. I don't know how it's possible for a TV show to make you feel so many things, LOL. It's not real! That's what I kept screaming in my head while trying not to cry! Why did he have to die!?

Anyway, before I get on to another rant...

Fine is a 4 Letter Word

Chapter 17

Kate closed her eyes and clenched her jaw, she wished people didn't care as much, why couldn't they just leave her be? She took a deep breath in and glanced down at the pile of letters, she gently ran her fingers over the paper and smiled thinking of Jim. They made her feel close to him, he had touched them, they were his thoughts, they had been a part of him. She slowly picked up the first piece of paper and began to read.

_"Mum,_

_I can't believe you're actually making me write you a letter, it'll serve you right if you can't read it because of my terrible handwriting. Although, I might not be able to call for a while, I'm currently on a Navy ship, so this may work out better._

_So, because I can't talk about work, I'll talk about your favourite topic, my love life._

_I took yours and Penny's advice, and I joined a stupid internet dating site, and well, I guess I owe you two an apology because I met someone, and she's amazing, you will love her, her name is Kate. We went out for dinner and I wore that suit you love, and we talked for hours, she was so easy to talk to, she's smart, beautiful and tough. The only thing is she's currently mad at me, but before you start cursing my name, it's not all my fault. _

_So, we both lied on our profile, I said I was a chartered accountant and she said she was in HR, but little did she know I knew she was in the Navy, I had a mate do a background check. But anyway, at dinner I kept getting phone calls about my latest mission and I told her it was about work and she didn't believe me so she stormed out. From that moment I knew she was a keeper, gotta love a woman who can stand up for herself, hey? Anyway, that night received a phone call informing me what ship I was heading out on, and guess who was second in charge? That's right, Kate. The look on her face when I rocked up to sail on her ship was priceless, if a glare could kill someone it would be hers. I couldn't help but feel it was fate, what a story to tell the kids, hey? Anyway, I hope she sees the funny side of it because, I'm smitten. I can't believe I'm telling you this but I think she's the one, I know that sounds silly but, when you know, you know, right?_

_Okay, I need to get some sleep, we're heading to an island, and I doubt the bed will be this comfortable there, and that says a lot seeming I'm sleeping in a rack that's about a foot too small for me._

_If you talk to Penny tell her I'll email her when I can._

_Love you and miss you,_

_Your favourite son,_

_Jim."_

Tears rolled down her cheeks, she flipped over the page, it was like she didn't want the letter to see she was crying. She sat there wiping her face, trying to stop the flow, she didn't know if she could read another one. They made her feel comforted but also heartbroken, she heard his voice as she read it, like he was standing next to her reading to her. She exhaled and swallowed hard as she picked up the next one.

_"Okay, that was a lot of questions, it'd just be a lot easier if you could just work out your email! I'll try to answer them all…_

_Okay, easy ones first, Kate is 33, and she lives in Cairns, I know it's far, but it's not like I've put down roots anywhere. She's been in the Navy most of her adult life, she hasn't got any siblings, well none that she's mentioned and no children, but I hope she wants them. _

_Has she forgiven me? Well, nearly, she's coming around, the night we arrived on the nameless island (sorry security) and we ended up at the same work event, we danced and it seemed like she wanted to forgive me. I walked her back to the ship like a gentleman and we talked like we did on our date, before all of the craziness. _

_They left the next morning on another patrol but they returned a few days later and I took her on a real date, well, it was supposed to be a real date. It ended up some wild goose chase, some local militants had kidnapped a boy and we found him on the island we were exploring. Kate refused to leave the island without him. Mum, she's so brave, we're running through this jungle being shot at by the militants, she was smart enough to grab a radio from their camp so we could call her ship, luckily they came just at the right time. _

_I thought you would be jumping for joy for me to say that I thought she was the one, I know you're my one and only mother and you're protective of me, but Mum, if you met her you'd understand. _

_Okay, let me try and paint a picture. Kate is the XO on the ship, so she leads all the boarding's. You should see her in action, she's wonder woman, I'm telling you. She scares the shit out of me, sorry for the language, she tough and strong, but then has this sweet, gentle side. I don't understand how she's not already taken!_

_I'll try and write once a week, there are a lot of things going on, but I promise I'm safe._

_Love you lots,_

_Jim."_

The tears continued to roll down Kate's cheeks, she wanted to stop reading, it hurt so much, she knew how this story ended and she couldn't change it, no matter how much she wanted it. She cautiously flipped over the next one and brought her knees up to her chest as she read it.

_"Mum, _

_Sorry it's taken longer than usual to get back to you, I've been trying to get home with no luck. Kate was shot the other day, but thankfully she was wearing a vest. It made me sick to my stomach thinking about her being injured, but I bet she's acting all tough like it didn't affect her, all I want to do is see her and give her a hug. _

_It really makes you think about what is important, how life is fleeting, I don't want to scare her off, I'm not sure what it is but I can tell she's been hurt before. I sense that's she cautious, but I do think she feels the same connection I do…_

_I'm sure you don't care, but Penny asked what she looked like, I thought I'd tell you so you can try and form a picture. Kate has blonde hair that sits at her shoulder blades, she's 5'6ish, beautiful green eyes that can evoke the feeling of fear and love at the same time . I'll send Penny a photo and when you see her next she can show you. But all you need to know is that she makes me incredibly happy and I can't stop smiling when I think about her or talk about her. _

_I know it's another short one but work has been crazy._

_Love you all!"_

_"Penny, _

_I hope you get this email on time, I'm heading home, I have been injured, but I'm okay, I need you to tell Mum, but don't panic her, I'm on my way back to Cairns._

_Let me know how you go, I don't have access to a phone right now email me back._

_Love,_

_Jim"_

_"Hey bro,_

_You better be okay, just spoke to mum on the phone and this next bit is from her._

_James! How dare you tell me you're injured over an email. Where are you? Do you want us to come up? I hope Kate's looking after you! _

_Love,_

_Mum"_

_"Penny,_

_I just tried to call you both, but you're probably at work. Please pass this on to mum when you can._

_Mum, _

_I'm sorry! I tried to call you, I don't have a phone right now but you can call the hotel. _

_I'm sitting in my hotel room in Cairns, my CT was all clear, I'm fine._

_Umm, because I probably won't have the guts to tell you this on the phone I thought I should let you know that Kate and I are over, and don't bother calling me and yelling, I can hear you from here. _

_I know you're going to ask what happened and I don't really want to get into it so I'll give you the short version. _

_I'm not sure if I was right about being hurt before however I think she was hung up on someone else, and well, I think she's just realised her feelings for him. It was my decision to let her go, don't be mad at her, I can't be a second choice, I just want her to be happy._

_Love and hugs,_

_Jim."_

Kate sighed as she put down the letter, this letter made her feel worse, it just reminded her that she made him feel like she had lied to him, that she didn't really care.

She looked down, there were still a few more letters, she knew these would be the hardest to read, they were probably from when they met again, when she had actually committed herself to him.

These ones were typed, she couldn't help but giggle as she read the first sentence of the next one.

_"Mum!_

_Welcome to the 21st century, only a century too late but better late of never! _

_You will never guess who pulled me out of the water today, Kate, yes, that Kate. _

_And yes, I can hear you screaming from excitement all the way out at sea but don't count your chickens yet, I think she's still hoping the other guy will come through for her. I just don't understand how he refuses to chose her, its been 18 months and she's still waiting. I know what you're thinking, swoop in and win her over, I tried well, I suggested that we get a drink but was rejected. I thought that I may have had a chance, I still felt that tingle when I saw her, I thought she did too but maybe I was imagining it. I was being truthful when I said I just want her to be happy. _

_My current mission is all over the place so again, the phone might not always been an option, so I'll email when I can._

_Love,_

_Jim."_

_"Mum,_

_I'm not ignoring your calls, we seem to be playing phone tag, so I thought it'd be easier to email. So, you want me to start with the good news or not so good news? Okay, the not so good news, I need you not to freak out, but I had a bit of a run in with a bad guy. Luckily Kate and her crew found me and they brought back on to Hammersley and stitched me up. I've just got a concussion, nothing major, I'm okay. _

_But back to the good news, Kate. So, a few weeks ago I found out that the guy she had feelings for had basically chosen his job over her, and not that I want to see her sad, but she needs to realise her worth, that she's an amazing human being that deserves someone that would do just about anything for her._

_We had a drink a couple of weeks ago and I suggested dinner, and she didn't say no, she actually said that it would be nice._

_Anyway, back to the present, so they rescued me and stitched me up but I still needed to complete my mission. So, we were debriefing on the bridge of the ship and when we had finished Kate pulled me down to the ward room and starts lecturing me about my safety, basically yelling at me, and that's when I realised, she still has feelings for me. _

_I didn't want to get my hopes up but when we arrived back at port, she took me to the hospital and after we had dinner at her house, we talked like we hadn't just spent the last 18 months apart. _

_This is my second chance and I'm not letting her go this time._

_Love, _

_Your extremely happy Son."_

She could remember the moments vividly in her head, the awkward feeling she had sitting on that stool in the bar trying to look him in the eye and confirm that she had wasted her time waiting for Mike. She knew she had some underlying feelings for him, but she wasn't sure if it was out of convenience as Mike had just chosen the Hammersley over her. But that moment where she had been lecturing him about his injury was the moment she knew, she knew that her feels were real. Mike may have had tried to convince her otherwise, it made her so mad that he confronted her on the ship, but it just made her more sure of her feelings, she knew she had been holding on to the past because she was afraid of being hurt again.

She let out a laugh and placed her hand over her heart as she read the subject line of the next email.

_"WE'RE BACK TOGETHER!_

_I don't know what to write, I'm just so happy! And this time I'm going to tell her how I feel, I've just got to find the right moment, there aren't too many on a crowded unromantic navy ship!_

_I can't wait for you to meet her!_

_Hopefully see you soon._

_Love,_

_Jim"_

Kate's mind flashed back to the day she knew that her feelings were genuine. They were at lunch in a local market and Jim had nervously started a conversation by saying " Kate, the past few months…" She had immediately interrupted, saying "me too!". They both laughed, and knew exactly what the other was going to say, there was no second guessing, they both knew how the other felt, and it felt good. Unfortunately minutes later they were rudely interrupted by their target Horta Chang.

She sighed and reopened her eyes and pulled the next piece of paper from the pile, it had been folded up multiple times, it wasn't like the other pieces it looked like it had been torn recklessly from a notebook. She unfolded it, there was a bright pink post it stuck over it.

_"Mum, _

_Can you please post this to the following address in 1 week, I'll explain later._

_Love, Jim"_

She frowned confused about what it was, she peeled the post it off and started to read.

_"Kate,_

_In case I don't have the guts to tell you in person, or god forbid something happens to me on this mission, I just want you to know how I feel. _

_I love you, yes, LOVE, you are the most incredible person I have ever met. I've probably loved you from the first moment I saw you walk into Rosie's in that pink dress. You are my penguin, my lobster, my Rocky to my Bullwinkle and I couldn't be happier._

_You have captured my heart forever, you are smart, sexy, beautiful, strong, ambitious, confident, resilient, fearless, incredible, kind, I could go on and on. You have this fire inside you that inspires me to want to be a better person._

_I didn't want to bring it up but I just want you to know that the last time we were together I left because I thought you may have had feelings for someone else and all I wanted was to see you happy, even if it wasn't with me._

_You make my day better by just thinking of you, and I hope that you feel the same way. _

_Love, with all my heart._

_Jim."_

Kate struggled to catch her breath as she sobbed, this one was the worst and she wasn't prepared for the way it made her feel. She glanced over to the window and could see the top of Deb and Dutchy's head, she let out a sigh and swiveled her body over the edge of the bed and placed her feet on the floor. She opened the door slightly and timidly stepped outside the room, Dutchy and Deb looked up and smiled. She held out the piece of paper towards Deb.

"Why have I never seen this?"

Deb stood up and took the letter from her and smiled.

"Because he told you, he called me saying he didn't need me to send it because he had proposed to you. Kate, can't you see he would never want you to feel this way, especially about him."

Kate nodded and stepped back inside her room and closed the door, Dutchy looked over to Deb questioningly, she handed him the letter, he sat as he read it. He wiped the escaping tears from his cheeks and took a deep breath in, this was either going to be her turning point or her breaking point.

Kate sat back in her bed and gathered up the letters and held them against her chest and curled herself up in the bed.

Deb and Dutchy were still outside her room hours later, Deb sighed a stood up raising her arms above her head stretching her back.

"I really thought the letters were going to make a difference… Well, we're going to stay up here for a while, Penny has her number so we'll be in touch. Tell her to call day or night okay?"

He nodded, she gave him a squeeze on his arm.

"You're a great friend, Dylan. Thank you for looking after her."

Deb turned to leave when Dr Cowan approached them both.

"Dylan…"

Dylan stood up surprised to see her.

"Dr Cowan, what are you doing here?"

"Kate called me, it sounds like you go through to her…"

Deb shook her head and kissed the piece of per she was holding.

"No, I think Jim got through to her…"

Dutchy could tell Dr Cowan was unsure of her explanation.

"Ah, Dr Cowan, this is Deb Roth, Jim's mum, she umm, brought in some letters for Kate and we think they might be the reason Kate called…"

They shook hands.

"Mrs Roth, so nice to meet you, and I'm sorry for your loss, Jim sounded like a great son, a loving partner and a great friend."

"Thank you…"

Dr Cowan tucked the files and the notepad under her arm and straightened her glasses.

"Well, if you excuse me, I think we'd better get started."

End Chapter 17

Let me know how I went! xx

Oh and for anyone who doesn't get the Penguin, Lobster, reference. Some penguins mate for life, some spend up to a year apart and are still monogamous, and the lobster reference is from 'Friends' talking bout Ross and Rachel being each others lobster, I have since found out that they don't mate for life but I still thought it was cute, I just envision Phoebe holding her fingers together like linked claws. Friends viewers will know what I mean!


	18. Chapter 18

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 18.

Dr Cowan knocked and enter the room, Kate shifted uncomfortably seeing her, mostly out of embarrassment.

"Kate, how are you?"

She glanced up at her for a split second and looked away.

"Well, I know if I say 'fine', you won't be impressed…"

Dr Cowan smiled, humour was a good sign. She sat next to her and noticed the pages on the bed, she pretended not to know what they were.

"What are these?"

Dr Cowan went to reach for them, but Kate placed her hand over them and dragged them towards her.

"Ah, they're letters…"

She picked them up and held them in her hands for a moment, she sighed knowing that she needed to open up, after all, she was the one to call Dr Cowan.

"They're letters from Jim to his Mum…"

"Can I ask what they're about…"

Kate looked down at them and hesitated before cautiously handing them to Dr Cowan.

"Ah, me, I guess…"

Kate watched as Dr Cowan skimmed over some of the pages, tears started to form in her eyes just thinking about them. Dr Cowan glanced up at Kate and placed a hand on her arm trying to comfort her.

"These are beautiful, he really loved you."

She nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks.

"So, how do these make you feel?"

Kate resisted the urge to scream "how do you think they make me feel?!" in response. She closed her eyes and searched for the right words.

"Umm, sad…angry…loved…"

Dr Cowan nodded and placed the letters on the bedside table.

"Why?'

Kate sat there playing with the edge of the bedsheet trying to summon the strength to put her feelings into words. She took a deep breath in and for the first time told Dr Cowan what she was really feeling.

"I feel sad because he's not here with me, that I don't have him in my life anymore. I feel angry because he didn't deserve any of this, I'm angry because I could have done something.

Kate felt her heart start to beat faster, she was getting worked up, she paused trying to calm herself down. Dr Cowan nodded along.

"It's okay, Kate, you can do this."

Kate cleared her throat and took a moment.

"I hear his voice in my mind while reading them, and just, his voice makes me feel loved, the way he spoke about me in the letters, I, I don't see that in myself but only someone who loves me could say those words. I just hope he knew how much I loved him…"

Dr Cowan smiled, finally it was something real, something genuine.

"I'm sure he did Kate, so, you know he loved you, you know why he loved you, do you really think that he'd blame you for this?"

Kate shook her head.

"No, but…"

"But what?"

Kate dropped her head, she still felt the guilt.

"I don't know…"

"Kate, I think you're looking for someone to blame, and it's so easy to blame yourself, to be mad at yourself because you can keep punishing yourself. But the real person you should be angry at is Madeline, and she is being punished."

Kate knew she was right, but it wasn't making her feel any better.

"But I was there, I could have stopped him staying."

"No, you couldn't have Kate, you know he was doing his job. Do you think he would blame you if the roles were reversed?"

Kate didn't respond, she knew he wouldn't. She closed her eyes and placed her head in her hands, Dr Cowan could see she was starting to put up her wall again

"You're doing well, Kate. I want you to do something for me…"

Kate lifted her head and glanced over to Dr Cowan.

"What?"

"I want you to write a letter to Jim, it could be about your feelings from all of this, it could be a response to one of his even. You say you hope he knew how much he loved you, tell him. But, I need you to be honest, no one has to read it, not even me but there's no point if you lie to yourself."

She handed Kate her notepad and a pen and rose from the chair.

"I'll be back tomorrow okay?… Kate, just remember keeping the pain inside doesn't make it hurt less, it just hurts the people you shut out, and you have many people out there that love you."

She gestured to her window, Kate peered out and could see 3 tops of heads, she nodded and Dr Cowan left.

Kate sat there, pen poised, she had a lot of things to say but didn't know where to start. She gripped the pen in her hand and sighed, stop thinking Kate, just write.

"Dearest Jim,

There are so many things that I want to say to you and I can't believe that I will never be able to

She stopped as she felt a giant lump form in her throat, she couldn't do this, it was too hard, too painful. She chucked the notepad and pen at the end of the bed and curled herself up on the bed hugging her pillow.

Later that day she was awoken by footsteps entering her room, she ignored them and remained lying with her back to whom ever was in her room. She heard the notepad being lifted off the bed and immediately turned not wanting anyone to read a single word. She was startled to see Mike standing at the foot of her bed.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you…"

Kate slowly propped herself up on her pillows and rubbed her hands over her face hoping she didn't look like a mess.

"It's okay…"

Mike sat down in the chair beside her not really knowing what to say, Kate glanced over to him at the same time wondering what he was doing there.

"Mike?"

"Ah, I just, I wanted…"

Mike stopped he didn't want to admit he was checking up on her, but Kate knew what he was doing, she tried not toe be annoyed. Dr Cowan's words repeated in her head. "It just hurts the people you push away."

"Mike, it's okay, you wanted to check on me, you can say that. I know in the past that I, umm, I have been difficult."

Mike reached out and held her hand and gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Kate, you weren't difficult, you were, you are grieving."

Kate nodded, Mike handed her the note pad.

"What's this?"

"Ah, Dr Cowan wanted me to write a letter to Jim, he umm, wrote a bunch of letters to his mum, about me…"

Mike smiled, not quite sure how to respond. Kate picked up the pile and shuffled through them.

"But, I can't…"

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I just…"

Kate looked down at the letters trying not to cry, Mike gripped her hand a little tighter.

"Don't force it, the words will come, no one can take away the loved that you shared… Anyway, I just wanted to know that I had been thinking of you, I guess I felt a little embarrassed because I, I didn't know what to do, I just left you, left you to crumble…"

It was Kate's turn to squeeze Mike's hand for comfort.

"It's okay, Mike, I didn't help, I pushed everyone away, I knew you were there…"

Mike smiled and stood from the chair, he leaned down and kissed her on the cheek.

"Well, I just wanted to say hi, and I'll see you soon…"

Mike left as Dr Fitzgerald knocked on the door frame and entered the room.

"Kate, how do you feel about going home?"

She nodded eagerly.

"Yes, please!"

"Okay, well Dr Cowan has some conditions…"

Kate nodded again.

"I assumed…"

"Well, I'll get your discharge papers ready…"

Dr Fitzgerald left the room, she glanced up and saw 2Dads pacing back and forth outside her window, she smiled and called out to him.

"2Dads, get in here, now…"

She watched as he immediately turned and headed for the door, he stood in the doorway, his eyes focused on the floor as he scuffed his shoes along the tiles. He didn't know if she'd be glad to see him, he glanced up at her for a split second.

"Hi…"

She patted the space on the bed next to her and smiled, from the look on her face he knew that she was happy to see him, he ran to the bed and threw his arms around her.

"I'm so glad you're feeling better, oh, am I allowed to say that?"

She laughed and ruffed his hair.

"I know what you mean, and I'm doing better party because of you…"

He let her go and looked down towards his feet embarrassed by her statement.

"Don't thank me Kate, I didn't know what I was doing…"

Kate placed a hand on his shoulder making him glance up at her.

"2Dads, if you didn't bash down that door in that hotel room…"

She couldn't bring herself to say the words but she didn't need to, he nodded.

"I know…"

Kate took both of his hands in hers and smiled.

"Leo, I don't think you realise the incredible person you have become. When you first joined The Hammersley, I seriously doubted that you would have what it takes, but even I can be wrong…"

He let out a scoff and gave her a friendly nudge.

"Can I get that in writing?"

She playfully shoved him back and laughed.

"If you repeat it, I will deny it. But seriously, you, you have become one of my most favourite people in the entire world, you're a good person and I will never forget thing things you have done for me. And if I have learned anything in the past few months, it's that if people mean something to you, you need to tell them."

2Dads didn't know what to say, a few rogue tears escaped his eyes.

"Right back at you…"

He pulled her in for another hug and wiped the tears from his cheeks.

"And if you tell anyone I cried, I'll deny it!"

An hour later Dutchy had taken Kate home, he flung open her front door and placed her bag in the laundry. Kate flopped onto the couch and her sat next to her.

"So, you want a cuppa or anything…"

She shot him an unimpressed look.

"Dutchy, don't start fussing, please."

Dutchy put his hands up in surrender and laughed.

"Yes, boss…"

Kate stood from the couch and wandered around the lounge room feeling a little lost.

"Ah, I might just have a lay down…"

Dutchy frowned, he sensed something was bothering her.

'You've been laying down for the past 2 days…"

Kate wrapped her arms around herself and headed for the stairs.

"Yeah, well, it's been an emotional couple of days."

Dutchy stood from the couch and smiled in her direction.

"It's okay, Kate, I get the hint, you want some space.."

She gave him a halfhearted smile.

"Thanks, Dutchy…"

"Just don't ignore my messages later…"

She smiled and gave him a hug and grabbed an envelope out of her bag.

"Promise… Can you do me a favour and put this in the post for me?"

She handed him the envelope, Dutchy flipped it over and read the address and raised an eyebrow.

"What is it?"

"Ah, they're the letters from Jim to his mum, she left them at the hospital…"

"Are you sure?"

She nodded, Dutchy took the envelope from her and left as Kate headed for the stairs. She heard the door click shut and turned back and walked into the lounge room, she stood in front of the cupboard and opened the drawer that contained all the photos of her and Jim. She pulled out the photo from their first date and sat it on the mantle and stared at it. She turned and sat on the couch, her eyes still focused on the photo. Part of her wanted to shove it back into the drawer, she wished that she didn't take her happiness for granted. But the other part wanted to hold it and cry and never let it go.

She got up and grabbed the notebook that Dr Cowan had given her and sat back on the couch and propped herself up with the pillows. She exhaled and continued with her letter.

"Dearest Jim,

There are so many things that I want to say to you and I can't believe that I will never be able to say them to you face.

I love you, I love you so much, and I would give anything just to be able to tell you one last time.

I will regret, for the rest of my life, not saying yes instantly, but you surprised me, I guess I was more worried that you would change your mind, that I couldn't live up to the person you thought I was. I worry that you were the reason that I was that person, and now you're gone I don't know if I'll be able to find her again?

I don't know why it took me so long to realise that you were the one, you always had my best interests at heart. You made me incredibly happy, I smiled every second that I'm was with you, and every second that I thought of you made it my heart flutter. When you smiled at me you made me feel like we're the only 2 people on earth.

I know that you'd hate me saying this but, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for leaving you on that boat. Everyone is telling me that it's not my fault, I know it not technically my fault, it's Madeline's, but I should have told you to leave that boat. I should have told you that your life was more important, I shouldn't have left you out there. I know that's something I will have to live with and maybe one day I will believe what everyone is telling me.

I don't know how I'm going to live my life without you, I'm scared, terrified, that you were the best thing to happen to me and I will never find that kind of love again.

I love you so much, and I will continue to love you for the rest of my life.

She stopped as her tears fell onto the page making the ink run, she placed the notepad on the table and grabbed the throw rug and curled herself up under it.

The tears subsided as she drifted off to sleep and started to dream, it was surreal, she knew she was dreaming but it was so real.

They were sitting on her couch, Kate cuddled up in Jim's embrace.

"I miss you…"

He looked down at her and smiled, she swore that she could feel his arm around her, smell is cologne.

"I miss you too, Smudge…"

She smiled as she heard his voice, he leaned forward and grabbed the notepad off the table. She sat up and watched him read her letter, he smiled as tears ran down his cheeks, a moment later his smile turned into a frown. He placed the pad back on the table and turned to face her, his eyes met hers and he cupped her face in her hand. She couldn't feel his touch but more of a gentle warmth throughout her body.

"Katie, don't you dare say you're sorry, I chose to stay, I had to try to disarm the bomb, so many people were in danger, including you. I hate that I can't be there to hug you, to reassure you, and most of all I hate that you feel this way. Please, let it go, you need to, please, for me. I love you."

Tears rolled down both their cheeks.

"I love you too…"

She reached out to touch him, to kiss him, but opened her eyes when she didn't feel his lips, she was awake and sitting up on the couch.

Before she could register what had happened, there was a knock at her door, she wiped the tears from her cheeks and lifted herself of the couch. She slowly opened the door and smiled as she saw Deb.

"Deb, hi…"

"Hi, Kate. I hope you don't mind me showing up unannounced."

"Of course, would you like to come in?"

She nodded and Kate let her in and and they made their way into the lounge room and sat on the couch, Deb spotted the picture of Kate and Jim and walked over to the mantle and picked it up.

"This is a beautiful photo…"

"You can have it if you like…"

'Oh, no, Kate, I couldn't.."

She placed it back on to the mantle and took out her phone

"How about I take a photo of the photo, that's all I need Kate, I know this was from your first date."

They sat back on the couch and Deb noticed the notepad on the table, Kate picked it up and handed it to her.

"It was Dr Cowan's idea, in response to the letters that he wrote you…"

"Oh, it's okay, I don't have to read it…"

Kate shook her head and smiled.

"Please…"

Deb took the notepad from her and exhaled, trying to prepare herself. Kate watched as Deb's eyes scanned the page, tears rolled down both of their cheeks.

"Kate, this is beautiful."

"I umm, I had a dream after I wrote it. We were sitting on the couch and he read it, he told me that I shouldn't be sorry, that he loved me but I needed to let it go."

Deb nodded and placed her hand on Kate's and smiled.

"It's true, dear, he wouldn't have wanted this for you, he would want you to live your life. You know, to know that he was loved, it helps, that he knew what it felt like to be loved, everyone should experience love once in their life."

"I know, and you were right, I can honour him by being the person he thought I was."

"No, Kate, you can honour him by being the person that you are…"

A giant smiled crossed Deb's face.

"Smart, sexy, beautiful, strong, ambitious, confident, resilient, fearless, incredible and kind."

She let out a chuckle.

"I know, I've read the letters too many times…"

She pulled an envelope from her bag and handed them to Kate.

"So, you need to keep these now, just in case you need a reminder…"

Kate looked at the envelope and frowned.

"Ah, I gave these to Dutchy to post…"

Deb laughed and placed them in her lap.

"Yeah, and he called me, and I'm so glad he did.."

Kate shook her head, and handed them back to her.

"Oh, Deb, no I can't do that…"

Deb refused to take it and grabbed Kate's hand placing the envelope in it.

"Yes, you can!"

She laughed and placed the notepad on top.

"I've got copies in my fire-proof safe, but you need the originals."

Kate smiled and traced her finger over them.

"You know, I can hear his voice when I read them…"

Deb squeezed her hand and got up off the couch.

"Me too, hun."

Kate looked up at her and smiled.

"Thank you, for everything…"

She gripped the envelope a little tighter.

"These mean the world to me, and I don't know where I would be if I hadn't read them."

Deb leaned in and gave her a hug.

"No, thank you for loving my son. Remember, I'm only a phone call away, I hope you won't be a stranger, but if it's too much I understand."

She gave Kate a kiss on the forehead and left.

End of Chapter 18.

Please let me know what you thought! xx


	19. Chapter 19

Hey everyone,

Well this is it! We have come to an end. I hope you're all satisfied with the ending. I wasn't quite sure what to do! Again I have rewritten this a few times!

I'm currently in the Melbourne airport posting this from my phone so apologies for the editing lol I wanted to get this out ASAP and not leave you waiting as I'm not back for a week.

Thank you so much to all who have reviewed! Love you all! You keep me writing all of this craziness!

Fine is a 4 Letter Word.

Chapter 19.

The next morning Kate made her way downstairs, she glanced up at the kitchen clock, it was 1pm. She had slept for nearly 16 hours and couldn't remember the last time she had that much undisturbed sleep.

She stepped into her lounge room not really knowing what to do with herself. Her eyes caught the photo that she had taken out of the drawer the previous night and immediately looked away and turned and headed for the kitchen.

She opened her fridge door and scanned the shelves for anything edible, the only thing she saw that was easy was bread. Her eyes were drawn to the bottle of wine that sat in the door, she glanced over at the clock again, confirming it wasn't still morning and a reasonable time to drink. She removed the bread and the wine from the fridge and placed 2 pieces in the toaster and leaned against the bench waiting. She glanced back at the bottle of wine and scoffed.

"You're a grown up, you can handle it…"

She reached into the cupboard and grabbed a glass pouring it only about half full, she slowly raised the glass to her lips and took the tinniest sip and walked over to the mantle. She picked up the photo and smiled as she swallowed the rest of the glass.

It had been 2 days since Dutchy had seen Kate, he wanted to respect her wishes and give her the space she wanted, but he couldn't help but feel anxious. A small part of him didn't trust her, he felt awful, but she had lied to him before.

He pulled up at the front of Kate's house and sat there for a moment wondering whether he should just leave here be, he shook his head and got out the car, he couldn't leave it alone. He walked up the front path and stopped at the door, a sickening feeling of deja vu came over him as he heard music playing , his heart started to beat faster as he listened to the lyrics.

"I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I'm not enough,

Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up.

Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low?

Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.

You said I am loved, when I can't feel a thing.

You say I am strong when I think I am weak,

And you say I am held when I am falling short.

And when I don't belong, you say I am yours,

And I believe, Oh, I believe, What you say to me, I believe."

Every bone in his body told him to knock down the door and confront her, but he needed to keep calm, be rational, he needed to trust that she wasn't lying to his face again. He knocked and waited, the music continued to play.

"The only thing that matters now is everything you think of me.

In you, I find my worth, in you I find my identity…"

There was no answer, he became panicked, was she ignoring him?

He tired the door handle, it turned. He flung open the door and it hit the wall with a thud causing Kate to jump and turn towards him.

"Dutchy?"

He took a step inside her house and looked around for any warning signs, his heart sank as he spotted the empty wine bottle on the bench. He turned back to the lounge and noticed the drawer on the coffee table, he let out a sigh.

"Kate, what are you…"

He stopped as he made eye contact with her, he looked her up and down, she looked different, she was smiling and she looked radiant. He took another look around and his eyes caught a picture of Jim and Kate on the entertainment unit, and another on the other side of the TV. A smile crossed his face, the photos that had been hidden away were now proudly on display. He glanced back to Kate, he could see that she was confused by his silence, she grabbed the remote and turned off the music.

"Everything okay, Dutchy?"

He walked into the living room and picked up a picture fame and smiled, she had famed the letter from Jim declaring his love for her. Kate moved closer trying to decipher his weird demeanour.

"What are you doing here?"

His eyes darted around the room trying to think of an excuse.

"Ah…"

She placed her hands on her hips.

"You were checking up on me?"

He glanced back at her knowing that she could see right through him, she smiled and sat on the couch.

"It's okay, Dutchy, and before you say anything, I did have a glass but I tipped the rest down the sink. I wanted to prove to myself I could have one glass and be okay."

He nodded, hoping she wasn't lying. She could see he was still uneasy, she pulled on his arm and they sat on the lounge. He sat next her still not really sure that he was convinced that she was okay.

"Dylan, I know that I've got a lot of trust to earn back, from everyone, but especially from you. I've said some awful things and I…"

Dutchy placed a hand on Kate's knee, he knew how sorry she was, he didn't want her to feel guilty over more things.

"Kate, you were in pain, I get it, probably more that anyone else, but you have to swear that you're taking this seriously now…"

She nodded and let out a sigh.

"I promise, and I don't know how much my word means to you anymore but, I am. I know that people are just trying to help. I've been writing, Dr Cowan suggested I keep journals. It's helped, it's helped me highlight the wonderful things in my life too, like my friends who refuse to give up on me…"

She squeezed his hand, he looked up at her and looked into her eyes hoping he could tell if she was being authentic.

"Thanks for giving me some space."

He smiled looking into her eyes, gone was the harsh, coldness.

"Well, I hope that you don't want too much space…"

She frowned not understanding her comment.

"If that's you saying that I better return your messages when you go home, I promise, cross my heart."

He laughed as a giant grin came across his face

"That won't be necessary, I am home…"

She whacked him on the arm with excitement.

"What?"

"Maxine approved my transfer yesterday… and that's not all, so when you are ready, we go back out on Hammersley…"

Kate's smile faded and she got up and fiddled with one of the frames next to her.

"Dutchy, I don't think I'm ready just yet…"

He followed her and placed a hand on her shoulder trying to reassure her.

"Oh, I didn't mean straight away, and I'm so glad that you're able to tell me that. Maxine is okay with waiting, Mike is going back out until you're ready, and in the mean time we're at NAVCOM, no pressure, no time restraint…"

She sighed and picked at her cuticles not wanting to see his reaction to her next comment.

"What if I'm never ready?"

"Well, then you stay on shore, but I know you want to go back out, Kate, and I know you will…"

Tears fell from Kate's eyes, Dutchy was confused at her tears.

"Kate?"

She laughed and wiped her eyes.

"These are happy tears!"

He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and pulled her in for a hug.

"Thanks for everything, Dutchy."

He smiled, he was so relieved and happy to have his friend back.

"Anytime, but do me a favour, can we not make a habit of this?"

4 months later

Kate stood on the deck of the Hammersley as it came along side home port. Dutchy walked out and stood behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Boss?"

She glanced back at him an smiled and turned her attention back on the glistening water.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

She nodded and leaned on the railing still gazing out on the water.

"Yeah, fine…"

He frowned at her choice of words and gave her a nudge and raised his eyebrow.

"Fine?"

She scoffed and rolled her eyes and turned to face him.

"Dutchy, it's not a four letter word…"

He looked confused and counted the letters in his head..

"Ah, yes, it is…"

Kate smiled and let out a laugh and turned back to face the water.

"No, I mean it's not…Never mind!"

He burst out laughing, it was like good old times, him stirring.

"I'm just messing with you, I know it's not a bad word, but history tells me different…"

She leaned her head on his shoulder and let out a laugh.

"Touche…"

"We gonna have a drink at the pub tonight? To celebrate your triumphant return?"

She nodded and looked back into the bridge, 2Dads caught her eye and gave her a wink.

"Yeah, 1 won't hurt…"

Kate stood in front of her wardrobe and shuffled the coat hangers, she stopped as she spotted the pink dress that she wore on their first date. She pulled the hanger out of the wardrobe and held it against her, she closed her eyes, she swore that she could feel him standing next to her. A single tear trickled down her cheek as she heard his voice in her head. "Just be happy Kate." She opened her eyes and took a deep breath in and changed into the dress.

She walked into the pub and spotted the crew at the bar and approached them smiling, she was feeling good, confident. 2Dads leaned and whispered in Dutchy's ear, they both turned to face her with smiles on their faces.

"Hey fellas…"

2Dads handed her a glass of wine and looked her up and down.

"Boss, you look…"

She smiled and took a sip of her wine.

"Thanks..."

They walked to a table and sat down, 2Dads and Dutchy sat on one side and Kate on the other. As they chatted general she noticed both 2Dads and Dutchy's eyes darting back and forth between something or someone behind her and each other. Kate stopped taking and waved her hands in their faces.

"Hello?"

2Dads and Dutchy snapped back to reality and looked at each other after seeing Kate's annoyed expression.

"What are you two staring at?"

Dutchy peered over Kate's shoulder again.

"Ah, nothing, ah there's just, ah, hang on sec…"

Dutchy got up and walked over to someone standing at the bar behind her, Kate turned to try and see what was happening. She was about to turn back around but a familiar face caught her eye, she immediately rose from her chair and chased after Dutchy.

He was at the bar giving a guy a bit of a serve when Kate pulled him away.

"It's okay Dutchy, I got this…"

The guy smiled and approached them.

"Brooke, it is you!"

She hesitated before answering, Dutchy's face dropped hearing him call her Brooke, he refused to leave them. He gripped her arm.

"Brooke? This isn't..."

Kate shook her head immediately dismissing the thought.

"It's okay, Dutchy…"

She gave his a slight push back to the table, he walked off but to the bar where he could keep a closer eyes on her, 2Dads joined him. Kate gave them a scowl and turned back to the man in front of her.

"Ah, sorry about that, Jake, how are you?"

He smiled at the confirmation that she remembered him.

"I thought it was you, but you're hair's different…"

She glanced back at 2Dads and Dutchy giving them a slight nod to let them know it was okay.

"Of all the pubs in all the places…"

"Ah, yeah…"

She took a few more steps away from the table hoping 2Dads and Dutchy couldn't hear their conversation.

"You look beautiful…"

"Ah, thanks, but what are you doing here?"

He was hesitant about her tone, she sounded annoyed.

"Ah, just down here for work actually…"

Kate nodded, a silence fell over their conversation, Jake reached out and touched her arm, she flinched a little and he pretended not to notice.

"So umm, you know when I wrote in my note, if you're ever in town, I meant surrounding areas too?"

Kate's eyes darted around the room, she felt terrible for lying to him, he didn't do anything wrong.

"Ah, yeah, umm, I actually live here…"

He let out a nervous laugh and rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed.

"Oh, okay, well, don't I look like the desperate one…"

She smiled and tried to make him feel better.

"Well, I actually didn't know if you were serious…"

"Brooke, I don't just leave my number for anyone…"

Kate stood there and wondered if she should come clean, he was still a stranger, but this wasn't the person she was.

"Ah, while we're on that, ah, my name is actually Kate…"

He tilted his head at her confession.

"Oh, so you played me, huh?"

She rolled her eyes at the thought and laughed.

"Yeah, I'm such a player, don't hate the player, hate the game, baby…"

She cringed at her own statement, it wasn't her, Jake could see she was uncomfortable.

"Hey, you know what, I kinda get it, protecting yourself. I mean guys can be real creeps right? But, we're not all like that…"

"Yeah well, while we're on that subject, I just want you to know that I'm not that person…"

"What do you mean? You're not sexy, confident, awesome, fun…"

She blushed and focused on the floor, he glanced behind her, 2Dads and Dutchy's eyes were firmly planted on him.

"Ah, are they your brothers or something, cos they're looking at me like they wanna kill me…"

She turned and gave them a glare and waved her hand at them signaling them to mind their own business. They sat there smiling sweetly and ignored her and kept staring.

"Nah, they're my crew…"

He let out a laugh as his eyes widened.

"You're in a gang?"

She laughed and shook her head.

"No, worse, the Navy…"

He smiled and looked back at 2Dads and Dutchy.

"Ah, you wanna tell them that I'm friendly then?"

A cheeky smiled crossed her face.

"But it's more fun this way!"

He grinned and touched her arm, Dutchy frowned seeing the contact.

"So, anyway, why didn't you think I was serious?"

"Well, I dunno, I just, look, like I said before, when we met in Port Douglas, I was, well that's not who I am."

"Who were you then?"

She had to think about it, some of it had to be her because she did those things.

"Well, Brooke? But umm, yeah I…"

He could see she was struggling, he didn't want to seem like a jerk.

"Kate, you don't need to explain. The night we met you did say something a little strange, and it kind makes sense now."

Kate ran her hands over face hoping she hadn't made a complete fool of herself, Jake laughed and peeled her hands off her face and she glanced up at him.

"What did I say?"

"It was kind of poetic actually… we were just laying in bed talking about about life and all the crap that comes with it, all the complications and out of no where you said, okay, here's the truth about the truth, it hurts, so we lie…"

Kate stood there taking in the words she was obviously talking about her grief and not being able to deal with it.

"It's okay, you don't need to say anything, but, if anything, it made me like you more."

Kate winced, she could tell where this was going and she didn't want to lead him on.

"Jake…"

He laughed stopping her from having to explain.

"I know that tone, Kate, it's fine, I'm not expecting anything from you. Look, we had a good time and I'm not gonna lie, I like you but I can see you're either not ready or not interest and that's fine, but does it mean we can't be friends?"

She shook her head and smiled.

"Why don't you come and have a drink with us, just ah, can you leave out Port Douglas from the conversation?"

He gave her a friendly nudge.

"What? You're embarrassed by me?"

She let out a laugh and paused.

"Ah, the truth?"

He nodded and laughed nervously.

"Umm, actually, I think this in situation it's okay to lie..."

The End.

Please let me know what you thought! Xx

P.S. incase you're wondering the song from this chapter is another Lauren Daigle song, "You Say." its a beautiful song.


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